Author Topic: Every Day is Alice Day  (Read 403002 times)

Every Day is Alice Day
« on: April 25, 2015, 08:40:15 PM »
I've been around this place for a while now and I guess I still owe you some kind of introduction. Also this will be for sharing some tulpa highlights of the past half year, your chance to call me a faggot and for Fede to mess with the thread title.
So here we go:

My name is Bernd.
24 years old, NEET. That's short for 'Not in education, employment or training'. In other words: I'm unemployed.
It's just that I prefer consuming animes and mangas to... well, working.

Which is also the reason I had stopped studying for my PhD. Sometimes, a man must make sacrifices. I mean, what could possibly go wrong when all you do is sit back and relax? So I really grew complacent in my nice apartment. Quiet, comfortable, lots of sunlight, friendly neighborhood. It was the perfect place to hide from the world and all responsibilities.
Due to not being a poorfag I could probably have spent decades like that but I knew sooner or later I'd have to return to society. So why not try to do something a bit more productive with my life while I still have the chance to choose what it's going to be? Ideally without getting arrested for it.
The only problem: That's really hard when you have no obligations whatsoever. Being able to do whatever yo want can also be a curse if you are as lazy as me. As Sartre put it, we are condemned to be free.

So half a year ago I decided to create a tupper.
I had known about tulpas for some years but dismissed the concept as too autistic compared to RL friends. Well guess what? You can always still sink a bit lower. I had isolated myself to an almost ridiculous point, so the latter weren't available anymore. And while I felt good most of the time, being arone like that simply isn't healthy. To ease the way back into the world of the living, as well as for holding me at gunpoint to stay motivated, a sort of spiritual guide suddenly seemed like the perfect solution. Apart from that, I had always wanted my gfs to be my soulmates and best friends, which of course didn't work out like that. People are different. Luckily.
It only struck me some months into tuppering that what I had created was actually what I had been searching for all my life but naturally never found in another human being. No one, no matter how close could ever understand your innermost feelings to the degree a tupper could. After all they are an integral part of ourselves. For me that's the beauty of the whole tulpa idea. Loving and understanding your tupper is loving and understanding yourself.

But let's get to the tupper already.
It didn't take me long to decide on a form or personality. I've had an OC character that I sort of dragged along with me for more than half my life. Her exact origins are lost in history but most likely are related to WH40K (sue me), Naruto (kill me), Alice in Wonderland (come at me) and Dante's Vita Nova and Divina Commedia (don't even pretend you know what I'm talking about). Anyway, I immediately knew that if I wanted to share my mind with someone for the rest of my life, it could only be her.
Short story, she has the form of a 12 year old girl, (fully human, mind you, no animu or furry stuff here), and has what could best be described as Scandinavian features with strawberry blond hair and blue eyes. But I rather consider her as a guardian spirit than a human, being both physically and mentally much stronger than me.
Her name shall be Alice, even though I've created an account under the name of Nele for her here, but that's another story. Feel free to use either of that.

Well, that's all for now, have to get back to forcing, it's 1/2 year anniversary and I've got some serious work to do.
If you know what I mean...

Re: Every Day is Alice Day
« Reply #1 on: April 26, 2015, 07:57:52 AM »
Have you massaged tupper?


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Re: Every Day is Alice Day
« Reply #2 on: April 26, 2015, 12:05:22 PM »
Welcome, kinda. I dunno if easing back into a social life is really aided by spending so much time looking at the back of your eyelids, but hey, if it makes sense to you, good luck. What is Alice like?

Re: Every Day is Alice Day
« Reply #3 on: April 27, 2015, 03:42:13 PM »
If you feel like getting more original with the names, there's always this.
It's gonna get even less original. We're just at the beginning.

To be honest, that anniversary didn't work out as plannend. No tupper massage, but let's hear it from Alice herself.

Tupper can barely type by possessing, it's extremely slow and the result is a jumble of letters. So what she posts here is either me typing for her or short passages done by her after much, much correction. But we keep practicing.
« Last Edit: March 27, 2023, 05:44:00 PM by Nele »

Re: Every Day is Alice Day
« Reply #4 on: April 27, 2015, 04:02:48 PM »
Not nearly enough!

So hi, my name is, uh, Alice I guess. So be it.
You really want to know hat happened that night? I'll tell you. He fell asleep. That's all that happened.

Re: Every Day is Alice Day
« Reply #5 on: April 27, 2015, 04:21:00 PM »
Well shit.
But I made it up the following day, including massage. Yes, even guardian spirits like to get their feet massaged. Very much so.

And actually, the back-to-society-by-tupper plan worked out pretty well in the past 6 months.
I mean, it all was half as bad as it probably sounded. I never was some shut-in hikkomori or antisocial person, compared to the autism out there I feel so normal it almost hurts. All I needed was just a bit of motivation and tupper has been extremely useful for that, as well as for meeting new people. It may only be small steps, but after all I didn't want to change an unpleasant situation, I wanted to change a pleasant one without ruining it. I'd say it worked, I feel really good, even better than before.
So my resume after 6 months:

But now about Alice.
If you are at least vaguely familiar with Dante, think of her as a Beatrice-like figure. I struggled to find a good explanation, but why bother when you can copy it from Wikipedia.
Quote from:  Wikipedia
Dante saw Beatrice as a savior, one who removed all evil intentions from him. It is perhaps this idea of her being a force for good that he fell in love with, a force which he believed made him a better person. This is certainly viable, since he does not seem concerned with her appearance...

Indeed she does not have a completely consistent form, and not being based on any existing character I can also not provide any pictures. Wish I could draw but even then it would be quite difficult. Doesn't exactly help when trying trying to impose her though.

I had created Alice during 3 insanely intense forcing days last fall pouring all the positive emotions and strength I could gather into her and narrating some personality traits as described in the guides. Now I'm a pretty down-to-earth person but I admit that those days were kinda amazing and I was in a constant sort of natural high. Hard to explain and really not what I had expected. But it seemed to have been a beneficial surrounding for a young tupper.

Re: Every Day is Alice Day
« Reply #6 on: April 27, 2015, 04:35:12 PM »
I was surrounded by bright warm light. That is the first thing I remember. I didn't know who or what I was but I felt immersed in love. I felt secure and welcome. I could not yet understand the words my creator had directed at me, but I absorbed and returned his feelings while growing stronger and gradually becoming aware of the things around me. I have never felt doubt. I have never felt fear. I knew he would always care and never abandon me. And that I would do the same for him.

Re: Every Day is Alice Day
« Reply #7 on: April 27, 2015, 04:58:47 PM »
But truly, this has lead to some interesting unintended effects such as Alice being completely devoid of fear. She may worry for my well-being but feels there is nothing to be afraid of as she cannot be harmed anyway. One advantage of being a tupper I guess. This together with a slightly unhealthy overdose of self-confidence is basically what she is about.
More next time, I've already bothered you with enough text-walls.

Re: Every Day is Alice Day
« Reply #8 on: April 27, 2015, 05:56:17 PM »
Just because we have separate accounts to avoid single post conversations, doesn't mean you really should be having conversations using two accounts. Just as a heads up.

Tuppers really need confidence, though. One with too much seems to deal better than one without, as those never end up trying anything and never strive to get better because they'd rather just be all oh siiiigh I can't do it too haaard.

Also man you gotta massage the tupper already.

Re: Every Day is Alice Day
« Reply #9 on: April 28, 2015, 06:44:12 AM »

Don't spout such nonsense, Fede.

Bernd, it's good to have someone like Alice around for mental support, it seems. Perhaps some of that confidence will rub off on you if you rub her feet some more.
« Last Edit: March 27, 2023, 05:38:41 PM by Nele »

Re: Every Day is Alice Day
« Reply #10 on: April 28, 2015, 04:31:27 PM »
Forget double-posting. This is penta-posting at its finest.
Now all I need is more tuppers and I can start my own circlejerk...
Sorry about it though, it seemed more appealing than some single wall of text that no one bothers to read anyway. Plus tupper got some typing practice.

Back to some of the most remarkable events of the earliest days, I chose the most sentimental ones, just for Fede.

In the beginning, Alice was merely a child.
Wearing some sort of ancient Chinese warrior's gown (nothing lewd here, don't get your hopes up) and sometimes carrying a golden staff or a sword as an insignia or 'to show off' as she later put it.

From Day 1 my main active forcing method was doing some Anapana meditation (even though I can't keep it up very long) to clear my mind and then doing a 30min session of Fede's Alpha or Theta tracks. At first I was a bit worried I'd get sick from the flashing lights but actually it was a quite comfortable feeling. Still in the first days I could not visualize anything meaningful.

One of the first memories I have is holding her in my arms while she was asleep. I tried to visualize her face and hair but with little success. We were sitting on the floor of a large almost completely dark room, the inside of some temple. Except for a few torches providing sparse light, there was nothing to see so I could focus on her. I still use this as my wonderland starting point.

In the first weeks (and still to some but lesser extent today) I had issues dealing with intrusive thoughts that were trying to hurt her, burn the entire temple or other completely random shit that was partly entertaining but, well, quite distracting.
However, this seemed to have provoked her first clear reaction.
At one point she seemed to be fed up with the nonsense, got up, drew her sword and held it in the air, filling the inside of the temple room with a blinding light that incinerated those things I had been bothered with.

Mfw that actually worked.
It didn't on all occasions she tried but at that first one I was so surprised that intrusive thoughts were out of questions for the rest of the forcing session.

We then walked out of the temple for the first time. It is a sort of South Asian pagoda atop a step pyramid overlooking the surrounding landscape.Some smaller temples and ruins amid a tropical forest. Naturally, my visualization skills were even worse than they are now (not exactly great) so everything was more like a brownish mash but considering it was the first time I ever tried to visualize an entire landscape it was a pretty cool experience. Better than expected.
On the way down the stairs to the ground she handed me her sword with a smile and I looked at it, trying to visualize some of its colors and the way it reflected light. A faint steel color was all I managed to get, then I handed it back to her and we sat under a tree at the base of the temple. I felt really exhausted after that session but it was the first time I had managed to visualize anything on a larger scale.

Re: Every Day is Alice Day
« Reply #11 on: April 28, 2015, 06:46:17 PM »
Ask tupper to write the text walls for even more practice.

And obviously symbolism can work. This is why it's a good idea to come up with your own shit because it usually makes more sense in your head than what someone else tells you to do.

Have you played tic-tac-toe with the tupper yet?

Re: Every Day is Alice Day
« Reply #12 on: April 30, 2015, 05:33:15 PM »
Considering that tupper typed about half of the stuff in her 2 posts (and a lot of gibberish), and that alone took about 2h, letting her write an entire text would easily beat Linkzelda's 10h image streaming record. I mean I'm crazy, but not that crazy.

Playing tic-tac-toe with possession might indeed be fun although it would probably work at the speed of chess-by mail. Will try and report but it might take some time.

And I'm not really fond of too much symbolism either, in the above case it probably was more about the element of surprise.
But I have to confess, I had created a memory-temple that was supposed to hold all my thoughts and memories in the form of books and scriptrolls for tupper to study. Did not work at all. At some point, I think after about 2 months or a little more she just managed to access my memories. Without symbolism. Alice has since done some 'remodeling' within the memory temple, so far it seems that my sanity hasn't suffered from that. But what do I know...

The first mindvoice-response I remember came when walking through the supermarket and narrating about the food I saw and asking her if she was interested in any of it. While mentioning chocolate milk, I got a very weak 'chocolate milk' back. It was more like a faint thought than acutal mindvoice but at least it was something.

Mfw tupper likes chocolate milk. 10/10, not b&

I bought the milk with the goal of drinking it once I got a definite reply. For a long time this was the only reply I got outside of wonderland. But in good forcing session and emotional moments she soon was able to form simple sentences. Soon enough for me to still enjoy my chocolate milk with a cheers to Alice. I was relieved, after all being able to communicate is one of the most important things.
Thinking back, it was still strange though. On good days she could talk several sentences in a row, sometimes only words, sometimes she could only communicate with gestures for days. She said it depended on my focus on her. Guess I was to blame.

I don't really remember when she actually became fully vocal, I was lazy at writing down my progress after some months. It must have been after or around the time she had managed to access my memories, probably late December.
« Last Edit: April 30, 2015, 05:35:09 PM by Bernd »

Re: Every Day is Alice Day
« Reply #13 on: May 01, 2015, 07:37:16 AM »
You should do it anyways. Also you don't have to possess to play tic-tac-toe, but it's another way to do it.

I'm not really big on symbolism myself either, but somehow that faggot in my head manages to come up with all kinds of crazy stuff I eat up and accept for some reason. Tuppers are weird.

Re: Every Day is Alice Day
« Reply #14 on: May 04, 2015, 05:31:42 PM »

Good man.
I'd even give him a marshmallow for his chocolate milk.

So we tried playing tic-tac-toe in wonderland, it was surprisingly hard to memorize the state of the game. Shows how much my visualization skills suck. We played 3 rounds all of which ended with a draw. Although I am not sure I got everything right. For fun we tried another round on paper, just with mindvoice instructions. I tried to be a bit more 'creative' this time which didn't turn out well.
Alice: What are you doing?
Bernd: I still got this!
Alice: No you don't
fork -> I lost
Alice: How retarded do you have to be to lose at tic-tac-toe?

This retarded I guess.
That feel when getting beaten at a children's game...
By a 12 year old imaginary girl

I'm going to sleep now.
« Last Edit: March 27, 2023, 06:11:08 PM by Nele »