Had another extremely weird Touhou dream this morning. Not really tupper related but still entertaining. Sort of.

Alice just shook her head and rolled her eyes saying this was typical for me. And that she wasn't part of the dream. Too bad, it would have been way more fun for sure.

Not much else, was lazy today.

Not much to expect since I always spread out my efforts on lots of different aspects.

Alice dragged me to church on Thursday for the Feast of Corpus Christi.
Well, actually she wanted to see the procession.
I was lazy and didn't wanna do anything but she was really excited and wanted to go downtown so of course we did. I admit it was kinda nice to blend in with the surprisingly large flock and walk through the city. Plus slow walking people are good templates for imposition practice. Hijacking religious festivities for Alice's sake indeed does have its charms.



Possession still sucks but I've noticed it helps to execute all movements with exaggerated strength to clarify who's doing what. It's scary what the body can do without any conscious intervention. Tried cooking while immersing myself in wonderland with Alice. We both tried to dissociate as much as possible. Body still ran on autopilot in servitor / zombie - mode without much sensory in- or output. I'm afraid that's what happens most of the time while I'm busy thinking of other stuff. Sounds convenient but it lessens all sensations and I fear I might end up as tulpa #2 at some point. Plus it creates fuck-ups like milk ending up in the stove and being completely zoned out just like Alice when I'm busy with a demanding task. So is this switching? Not with Alice, that's for sure. Just with a servitor managing basic routines. Probably. But what do I know? Time for some mindfulness exercises I guess.

Feel even more absent-minded than usual, meditation didn't work at all in the past days. No idea why, been busy with some monotonous work but that alone can't be it.

Anyway it gave rise to some interesting intrusive thought thing while I was half-heartedly trying to practice visualization in wonderland.
It was some ghost or reaper-like figure that looked kinda like Ghostface. He just stood in a stairway in my peripheral vision but when I noticed him charged at me at full speed. Kinda scary and unexpected.
Tupper moved between me and the ghost causing him to crash into her which had the same effect as running into a concrete wall. Then grabbed him by the coat and nonchalantly threw him out of a window.
Vid very related.
The whole scene was so absurd I burst into laughter which was the end of that forcing session. Ah well, sometimes even intrusive thoughts can be fun.

That aside tupper thinks I waste too much money on useless stuff and should work on earning more.

Weird stuff happened.
I was talking on the phone, walking up and down through living room and hall and when I was done and wanted to go outside ran into the front door that was locked. As I never ever lock the door from inside and for once the cat isn't the main suspect either it means I must have unconsciously taken the key, lock the door and put the key back while I was busy on the phone. I have zero memories of any of that but it's the only feasible explanation. So I guess this is what switching must feel like when the host is completely out and has no memories of what happened. Except that tupper dindu nuffin. Kinda scary.
So much for mindfulness and acting more consciously. The second weird observation was that 3 years of training my visualization and imagination skills have lead to a point where imagined and real memories have become more or less equal. Not like swapping the memories of my mom with a cartoon horse like Fede, but tracing back whether I had actually locked the door or not, each version feels equally real the more I think about it. We had been training that with 'fake holidays' imagining a trip we could have taken some years ago and comparing that to memories from actual trips. Not much difference. Not that the imagination was so vivid, rather the actual memories fade quickly. Even our south sea expedition, it feels somewhat surreal that we've indeed really been there. Not sure what to make of this. Welp.



On a more positive note I've succeeded in making Alice do household chores. Or rather she did it on her own when I was too lazy to hang out laundry to dry. I went to wonderland and explored the inside of the cathedral Santa Maria del Fiore, imagining to walk along the narrow rims high up in the cupola without falling down. That was captivating enough to keep me from interfering with tupper's real life movements. So that worked out well. Doing something exciting in wonderland does seem to work better than just trying to remain passive. At least for non-critical applications. Maybe not the best idea for dynamic shooting practice.

>when tupper goes over your finances and demonstrates that within the past 10 years you've lost over 200K due to mismanagement and procrastination and wasted another 50K on useless shit.



So far rearranging my life has brought quite some success but it's painfully slow. Just like everything. Other stuff hasn't worked out at all. Like Alice complaining I should try to make new friends but then turns down every acquaintance as an unacceptable retard that should be swiftly executed. Or pressing me to find a better paid job but can't even remotely name one she'd deem worthy.

We're not picky at all. Not in the least!

No real progress to report.
Alice still goes inactive in most demanding situations that require my full attention, which annoys both of us afterwards. One interesting observation is that even though it's said that tuppers gradually deviate from their hosts, I feel more like I strongly deviated towards tupper. Which has both positive and negative implications on my life.

Good:
I've become physically and mentally stronger, far less afraid and generally don't give a fuck while at the same time am much more focused on displaying a flawlessly correct behavior. Not for others but for myself.

Bad:
I definitely have become more tupper-like including a feeling of disconnectedness from the body's senses. Everything feels less real and more like a dream. Kind of how I imagine a tulpa experiences the world. Not sure how to deal with this yet, I certainly don't like it. Especially as Alice has not managed to fill my place in the same way.



Though we've become more similar, tupper still has a strong mind of her own and a lot of different opinions and it's kind of fun to argue with her. Every now and then some slight doubts about her autonomy creep in, but not for long when tupper is just nope.jpg

So generally we're good though there still is a lot of stuff that needs to be fixed. More than I want to realize.

Yeah great!
That's the kind of stuff they don't tell you in the guides.

Wed, Jul25th
Fell asleep soon, not much wonderland stuff.

Went swimming today, water in the Eisbach lived up to its name, cold but refreshing. Managed to keep Alice around, was fun. Still sucks I have to practice immersion / mindfulness for myself instead of tupper. Practiced imposition of Alice walking up and down stairs, imagining which foot steps on which stair is more difficult than I thought.

30min of dancing in the evening with focus on Alice's hands, still nothing more than the faintest touch imposition in the best moments. Couldn't get myself to any closed-eye stuff in the marvelous weather, I'll try now before going to sleep but expect similar results as yesterday.