Author Topic: Meromero Days  (Read 50508 times)

Re: Meme Days
« Reply #45 on: July 06, 2015, 04:50:40 AM »
You mentioned in an earlier post that you wanted to try a "simplified approximation" of belief implanting... but... what the hell would you remove? Belief implanting is very simplified and direct as it is.
You give a step-by-step guide to it, starting from where you'd try to bring out the positive emotions. I've been skipping that step, since it sounds hard to just make myself feel feel happy emotions. Instead I just jump into it whenever I happen to feel a burst of positive emotion, which has been often thanks to that slideshow and music association experiment.

At the time I wrote that post I was also thinking of just dropping the positive emotion thing completely, since I've heard about the affirmation thing before without it, but it turns out that doesn't feel potent enough to even bother trying. Without emotion behind it, they're just words no matter how many times you repeat them.

Now, having said that, you're a narrator. Narration and its typically implied mindset are very incompatible with my method. I don't know you, of course, but I'm willing to bet that most of the stuff I say in my guide isn't very useful in your case, aside from the little techniques here and there.
I might have read too much into it, then. I just like to look everywhere for techniques, guidelines, suggestions, viewpoints, and all that good stuff, instead of sticking to one guide or method. I've never considered myself an exclusive narrator who would never try parroting, it's just that when I've tried it previously, I quickly realized that it's really, really hard to make up lines for a qt animu grill when I can't form a sentence without sounding like a fucking nerd.

But regardless of method, surely it can't hurt to think about context, and just have a little story you tell yourself about how your tulpa werks?

Oh yeah, I knew there something I forgot to mention in the previous post, the music stuff. I thought it didn't work too well at first, but turns out I just needed to give myself some time to create the association. I've been listening almost exclusively to the same artist for the past days to weeks now, and at this point I'd say I can feel her personality from the music, if that makes any kind of sense.

I also said something about hoping to get a voice to associate with her, but that has been largely unsuccessful. There's a barrier here: This artist, along with any other voice I could try to draw inspiration from, is Japanese. I just can't imagine how it would sound like in English. Maybe it will come to me with more practice. I have another thing to test out later this week anyway.
« Last Edit: July 06, 2015, 06:12:07 AM by Kirarin »

Re: Mame Days
« Reply #46 on: July 09, 2015, 05:56:01 AM »
You expect whatever she'd say outside your "control" to be much better than what you could consciously devise for her character? Your expectations are too big, and you aim too high.
That's actually a really good point. My perfectiautism seems to have set a standard that I can't even properly define before I see it fulfilled. That doesn't sound good even from a narration perspective. I'm gonna have to rethink a few things.

It's a long story and my hand hurts. I don't really interact with my imagination anymore.
Fede had a tough imaginary life.

Re: Meromero Days
« Reply #47 on: July 09, 2015, 08:15:04 AM »
Yes, rip.

Re: Kyunkyun Days
« Reply #48 on: July 20, 2015, 05:16:23 AM »
I feel I should mention something about what happened to me a few days ago, which I think I could say is the strangest thing that has happened to me during this whole thing so far. I was just sitting down, happily listening to some cute music, kinda lazily visualizing her in the corner of my eye, sitting in the chair behind me. And I felt the urge to hug her. Nothing unusual so far. So I went to hug her, and along with the rush of happiness I usually feel from that, I felt this tightening in my chest. This was new and interesting, so I started focusing on it, and it grew stronger, quickly getting to the point where it was actually a little painful, but I still embraced it because I was pretty excited by something so weird happening. Eventually I had to let go, but it didn't seem to stop as long as thought of her. I wasn't even focusing that much on her at this point, I was trying to gain control of my breathing, repeatedly planting my face in my hands as if this position would help somehow, and got up to pace back and forth wondering if something is going right or if I'm just finally losing it. Only when I completely stopped thinking about her did it stop.

I've since felt the same slight sensation maybe once or twice while hugging her, but nothing as intense. Not that I've been trying, I don't think I could handle that stuff regularly.

Re: Meromero Days
« Reply #49 on: July 20, 2015, 07:55:06 AM »
Clearly she's using her succubus hands to suppress your heart so it can't work, watch out!

Re: Meromero Days
« Reply #50 on: August 18, 2015, 05:59:52 AM »
Another uneventful month, to finish up an uneventful year. Yeah, 4 days ago it was a year since I started. Instead of being celebratory, like a birthday (no, I didn't make cake, sorry), I've actually been dreading that date for a while, since it's hard to look at a whole year without vocality without kinda feeling like a failure. But life goes on, and I'll keep on doing this even though my expectations are honestly rock-bottom at this point.

I still wanna be a little hopeful that this year will be more successful, and I'm putting some more hope on meditation this time. I realized that when I fall off from daily forcing, it's not so much that I lose motivation, it's that I feel completely incapable of forcing. I seem to lose my ability to focus on things when I'm stressed out about things in my life, which it turns out I'm extremely prone to. In the hopes that it will be the miracle cure for my troubled mind, meditation is now my top priority in life. I even prioritize it over forcing itself, hoping that forcing less with a more focused mind will be more effective than forcing more with an unfocused mind. Let's just hope I don't achieve enlightenment first.
« Last Edit: August 18, 2015, 06:03:42 AM by Kirarin »

Re: Meromero Days
« Reply #51 on: August 18, 2015, 06:15:55 AM »
Human minds are dumb. But if you ask me, you haven't really had very uneventful months when it comes to tulpa stuff, reading this thread.

Re: Meromero Days
« Reply #52 on: August 18, 2015, 07:37:08 AM »
It really feels like it to me. While other hosts talk about doing all kinds of fun stuff with their tulpas really early on, most of my posts are just reflecting on my methods and bringing up whatever minor stuff that might maybe be taken as a sign of sentience. And telling myself that I shouldn't compare myself to others doesn't change how I feel about this.

Re: Meromero Days
« Reply #53 on: December 07, 2015, 10:34:56 AM »
It's been a while, huh? No progress to report, and I'm running out of new life changing discoveries to give me new hope about this, so I haven't had much to post about.

But if there's one thing that has changed, it's that I've gradually gotten really fucking sick of my own negativity. How I unconsciously let worries and bad conscience seep into everything. My dedication the past few months has been atrocious, there's no way to deny that, but dwelling on that is more likely to make it worse than better. Thinking to myself "oh man, I suck, I need to force more and harder" always leads to the worst forcing sessions, because I surround myself with the mindset of failure before even beginning. Same with the "fuck, this doesn't feel quite right, am I really doing this effectively?" bullshit, which is really just doubt trying to disguise itself as refinement of my methods. As you've all more or less have been trying to tell me since the beginning, the only thing I can trust is fun. Fun is definitely a better motivator than bad conscience, and I have a good feeling it's a better indicator of "doing it right" than my shitty attempts at self-examination.

I'll try to drop by the IRC more, as long as my connection remains stable enough that I don't just piss everyone off with disconnect spam. Being at least somewhat involved in a tulpa community has always helped me in the past.

Re: Meromero Days
« Reply #54 on: December 07, 2015, 08:28:01 PM »
Bet you haven't even eaten cake with tulpa.

Re: Meromero Days
« Reply #55 on: December 07, 2015, 11:30:36 PM »
How often must I do this to keep you satisfied?

Re: Meromero Days
« Reply #56 on: December 08, 2015, 07:33:02 AM »
Until tulpa is satisfied.

Re: Meromero Days
« Reply #57 on: December 08, 2015, 08:36:41 PM »
When tulpa says "yes, I'm satisfied".

Re: Meromero Days
« Reply #58 on: August 23, 2016, 11:05:42 AM »
This journal might not be too interesting to read at this point, with how many setbacks I'm reporting compared to progress, but I feel I should keep writing, if only for my own sake.

This past year has been totally shit, the kind of year you can look back at and think "I might as well have been in a coma this whole time". Only slowly starting to pull myself out of this mess now.

I've been struggling a lot with my confidence in tulpaforcing with so many setbacks. Usually I've just told myself "this is what I've been doing wrong all this time, so since I'm not doing that this time, everything will be different", but that's essentially placebo, because upon becoming aware that I'm just using it to convince myself I'll be successful, it doesn't really work anymore. My diminishing confidence needs to be resolved some other way, probably by letting determination decide how much effort I put in, rather than waiting and hoping for something to increase my confidence. And ironically, I've noticed that just putting in effort this way slowly increases my confidence anyway. I imagine more confidence will come naturally as I hit some progress milestones.

I've had to take a hard look at my motivation, since there's clearly a disconnect between how much I claim to care about this and the effort I've been putting in. My answer to that is that I'm just too future-oriented. I don't expect too much from what I do today, but I expect a lot from the future. And since I've been telling myself I don't wanna rush things by setting specific time expectations, that point in the future I'm working towards is really vague. I don't think I can use this as my motivation. It's like walking through the desert and only seeing the horizon, with no goal in sight, walking is indistinguishable from standing still, other than the fact that the former is far more tiresome than the latter. Maybe I can incorporate that AA motto, "one day at a time". Maybe I can focus on how Melo will like it if I spend some time with her right now (even if she won't necessarily communicate it), and realize that this is more important than what I intend to achieve with her in the future. Maybe I can have more fun, except actually doing it this time instead of just thinking it would be great to have more fun. It's probably just about shifting focus.

Kinda related to shifting focus, I started experimenting with meditative forcing. It's kinda awkward, because I just told myself I'd try to focus on Melo's "essence", without really knowing what I mean by that, how I do it, or if it makes any sense at all. So I just sit there, trying to focus on something so vague that there's no way to know whether I'm doing it right or if it would help me at all. And it made me realize, those thoughts that come to me as I try to focus, "am I doing this right?", "is this really going to work?", they're just distractions, the kind of thoughts I'm trying to get better at shifting focus away from by meditating. I've been told so many times to not doubt, thinking it means I have to reaffirm my belief or some shit, but it might be even more powerful to just identify the thoughts of doubt in my mind and realize it's my own choice whether to entertain them.

Got some minor stuff to report too. Few days ago I got an interesting auditory hallucination. Not too sure what to make of it, because I wasn't 100% awake at the time (was lying in bed in the morning, awake enough to be aware of my surroundings, but not awake enough to get out of bed), and upon asking Melo if it was her, I got no response. But it felt so uncannily real, I could clearly make out what kind of person the voice belonged to (was cute and feminine, matching up with Melo) and what it said, and even felt a sort of tickling in my ears from it. The tone of voice was really affectionate, which alone makes me really want to believe it was her, but it's hard due to my skepticism towards things I experience in a not completely awake state. If nothing else, it was a good demonstration of what it will be like when Melo gets her own voice, something I've been struggling to imagine before.

And lastly, not a very big thing, but I've gotten sick of seeing the same boring wonderland not too different from how I started on it 2 years ago (jesus christ it's been 2 years now), so I've resolved to just act on whatever random idea I got for how to change it or just make completely new locations. Yesterday I was sitting with Melo in this hottub on top of a star-shaped platform floating high up in the sky, and I realized, wow this is kinda exciting. I don't think I've felt like that since I first started this journey. I hope that the future still has many more moments like that to offer.

Oh by the way, if anyone didn't know, I've been hanging around in the IRC recently, but someone stole my registered nick, so I'm known as shobon now.
« Last Edit: August 23, 2016, 11:08:14 AM by Kirarin »

Re: Meromero Days
« Reply #59 on: August 24, 2016, 09:28:20 AM »
Remember to celebrate things with cake, though.

Anyway, yeah. You're going to have to put in effort to get anywhere. There's those who are "naturals" (though who knows how quickly they actually get a tulpa and how much of it is them assuming stuff) but even those tend to put a lot of time into forcing and such. Gotta get obsessed yo.