Id? Do we Freud now?

I have a feeling that it's better to not assume that a part of yourself is not under your own control. You make those choices, not something else, as even your unconscious thoughts are a part of yourself. Just remember to stop and think rationally before continuing so you're not purely following whatever emotional conclusion you have come to.

Excuse me young man, are you old enough for fucking?

There's one source of doubt that I find hard to get rid of: The feeling of doing it wrong. Lack of results can usually be explained by either not working hard enough, or using the wrong method. If you know it's the former, that's simple to amend, there's only one thing to do: Force more. But if you even suspect that it's the latter, that's a total motivation destroyer. Throw forcing more out the window, because even forcing at all is hard enough if you have the feeling that you might never get any results because you're doing everything wrong. This shit is why you should never put a pathological overthinker on a path that has a lot of time of overthinking things in between milestones.

I have removed one source of this doubt by upgrading my bullshit filter a little. There's this idea that goes around a lot, "if your tulpa isn't saying anything, it's just because you don't know how to listen to her". The part the implies you need practice to communicate with your tulpa seems perfectly reasonable. But it also implies that the only reason you can't hear your tulpa is because you're doing something wrong, not because you simply need to work more and give her more time to develop sentience. This kind of thinking has turned too many forcing sessions into "fuck, I didn't pull it off this time either", and it's about time I got rid of it.

Any advice for overcoming the rest of this doubt? And if one of you cheeky cunts say "force more" I'll smack you on the gabber i swear on me mum

Despite my need to air some of my doubts, things aren't going too shabby. I'm just balancing on the border between eagerness and impatience right now. In a couple of months, I'll be traveling abroad for a while, and I don't get to bring friends. The flight plan I'm filing only lists one of me, but I don't plan to be the only one who gets to stay on the aircraft. All those difficulties of going to a new scary place where you don't know anyone will become a lot less painful if you have someone who's always there for you. So the next step in my "masterplan" is to do everything I can to have a healthy and talkative tulpa before then. Conveniently, I don't have a lot of obligations in the meantime, so it's a perfect opportunity to step my game up. I just hope I can do it.

Oh yeah, back to actual progress report things. I've resumed meditation. I'm slowly getting into wonderland based forcing again, it seems I stopped doing this at some point because it required too much concentration, but I realized that's exactly why I should be doing it, things that require a lot of concentration are usually effective. I've made a subtle change to how I approach concentration challenges: If I can't focus entirely, I keep moving forward. Like, sometimes my visualizations don't feel as vivid as the previous day, because the mind is a moody bitch, and I'd get demotivated and stop after not getting to the same level, telling myself my concentration isn't good enough right now. That's stupid, so now I just go with what I have. Sometimes the concentration comes to me later, and even if it doesn't it's a hell of a lot better than waiting for perfect conditions to force.

I have some more faith in my ability to visualize using all senses after a particular experience where exploring an unexpected part of her body lead to an unexpected physical reaction from me. Wait, that sounds way worse than if I just put it straight. I fingered her bellybutton and got a boner, that's all.

Like I occasionally do, I've been going around rereading various guides in case there's still things I've missed previously. This time I found something interesting in Fede's guide, namely what he says about how a realistic personality needs some context outside of its interaction with you. At first this didn't quite click with me, because I never conceived of Melo as someone who would feel the need to withdraw from me, that would be downright contrary to her personality. But the part about treating your tulpa as a doll that you occasionally bring out to play with kinda struck me, because it really does feel like that sometimes. I thought about it for quite a while, whether I should give her some new hobbies or something that I can imagine her engaging in when I'm not there, but I couldn't find anything that fit. I'd have to completely rethink her personality if I wanted to imagine her willingly going off to do something alone. So what can I imagine her doing when I'm not paying attention to her? Hanging around me, hoping I'll pay attention to her. I'm completely satisfied with this conclusion, it gives her personality context and alleviates the feeling that I'm just bringing her out like a doll. It comes with the consequence of feeling bad about not paying enough attention to her, but that's my burden and I will carry it.

jesus christ how did this post get so long
there's probably even more but let's just stop

a tulpa can't do anything on their own and that you need to do everything for them

That's not quite what I meant. I just can't imagine her completely fucking off to read a book in wonderland or something.

Wait a minute, maybe if it's....... Fuck. So what I meant about her personality is that she prefers company, so I think she'd rather hang around me than go off on adventures on her own. But a big part of it is that most wonderland activities seem like empty activities. Say your tulpa did fuck off to read a book from some cool giant library you set up in your wonderland, and you ask them after "what did you read?". How would that work? What DID they read?

I decided on a personality when I started out, and though I can't really confirm at this point that all of those traits are currently manifested in her, I don't see what else I can do except assume so as long as I don't notice any deviation.

I actually never told her what she is. Felt too weird to me. Instead, I talked to her about how I wanted her to be. I figured anyway that a tulpa will generally want to meet it's host's expectation, because that's how they get attention (even a host who is completely open to deviation is more likely to notice responses that are in line with their expectations).

So I guess I could tell her some crap about how she doesn't have to meet my expectations, but do I really have to? Is it that important that I allow her to be the kind of tulpa who needs a private life? Will you call the Tulpa Protection Services on me if I don't give her to be the freedom to be whoever she wants to be without even expressing to me that she wants it?

It's not a problem for me now, though. It just means I have to give her plenty of attention to keep her satisfied, which I intend to do anyway.

Unless you mean to say that she'll start to hate me for not giving her anything to do when I'm just too busy to pay attention to her.