Tulpa Network
Tulpas => Tulpa Diaries => Topic started by: NariusV on November 13, 2013, 06:09:50 AM
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November 13, 2013
Summary so far
Started with several weeks of active forcing and have been doing passive forcing off for several months and on since then. Have had some results with mental conversation. Now working on meeting my tulpa in dreamstates for face to face conversation. Also working on vocal hallucination and making some inroads using mantras and having the tulpa chant with me. The voice is not stable yet but is becoming more so. So overall I'm working on stabilizing visual form for imposition and increasing clarity for communication. I plan to play some co-op board games and involve the tulpa also to practice communication and building up more shared memories with the tulpa.
I'm keeping a report at tulpa.info and tulpa network. I'll be cross-posting when I do make updates, to support the community of tulpamancers and would-be's who happen to find this, and for redundancy in case one of them goes down. I'm also keeping an offline log so I'll be able to re-create the logs in the future if needed/desired. I'm considering starting a blog or something to record the information.
FYI: my prior posts relating to the initial forcing mentioned above are available on tulpa.info here: http://community.tulpa.info/thread-nariusv-s-progress-report
EDIT: When I make references to time counts or the length of sessions I will spoiler them for people who do not want to read about it.
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I've skimmed your guide, I'll go back over it again. The hard part with dreaming for me at this point is accessing waking mind memories while lucid, which doesn't happen every night.
I'm using a four syllable sanskrit mantra mentally. The main difference is hearing the tulpa along with my own mental voice in a sort of harmony, with one or the other of us stopping at different points back and forth. Mainly for stabilizing the the tulpas mind voice tonality, sound, accent, etc.
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December 3, 2013
Seph told me this morning that she is ready. Then she gave me a mantra to work with. It is a combined & condensed version of several others that I had been working with before, back when I was doing a lot of active forcing. I'm not entirely sure what I'm ready really means, but I think it means she wants to start the active sessions again.
On another note my experience of reading as a passive forcing session did not seem to work that well for me. I was reading silently though, perhaps reading out would would work better, but be a little odd for other people in the house if I'm reading aloud in an empty room. The problem was that I became so engrossed in the story that I would lose consciousness of Seph. I think that If I used books more like 'storytime' rather than personal entertainment that would be better. I remember reading to others or making up stories to tell my younger siblings during childhood. That always carried a current of awareness of who I was reading or telling the story to. If I try stories again I might use that technique.
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December 5, 2013
Messaged Seph and went to visit last night and again today. She had created a new part of the wonderland she said for me. It was like a bridge that juts out from a rock surface into space. The floor is a black with white highlights marbled stone and a chrome railing around the edges. There is a clear force globe around it. The stars are visible in all directions. The vastness of the view is breathtaking for me. It was quite a surprise, I was very moved.
Seph was very happy to see me. I had not talked with her but for messages for a while. She told me about some friends of hers, whom I did not meet yet, but she did tell me a bit about them. They all have some thing that they regret from the past and are wanting to make amends. I guess she thinks that eventually they will gain some measure of self respect or something by helping me. I'm not sure on the details but it's an occurrence that has opened up a wide range of future possibilities. I feel good knowing she has friends and is not lonely when I'm not with her.
Today I went to talk with Seph again about some of my plans for my life. I noticed how epic our wonderland is, and I have been comparing it to the real world space and environment that I live in. I guess I feel like upgrading my life due to all that. Life 2.0 as it were. I feel motivated to make improvements in myself, my life, my girl friends life, etc. I talked with Seph about this, and also about how I felt it kind of a let down when I was forcing with her in the real world space because it just doesn't compare to the splendor of the wonderland. She didn't care at all, just said that she is sooooo happy that I am talking with her again and that it doesn't matter where. She has said that she want's to talk everyday, which is cool. Also I talked with her about creating some outfits for forcing and imposition, as I think it will be easier for me to work with just a few rather than many. It seems like in the past every time I saw her she'd be wearing something different. So we decided on an outfit for business/formal occasions, one for working out, and one for just hanging out. Also today I could see her face and expressions very clearly. She changes her hair and makeup along with the outfits. I also saw her shift back into a glowing ball of energy for a bit. She showed me a room where she said she goes a lot and floats there in the center as an energy form sometimes when she is alone. She said she processes information differently that way. Some of her expressions, words, and mannerisms were so surprising and lifelike this past session I'm really quire amazed.
Another thing that we worked on was trying to reduce non-verbal telepathy or direct thought transference and instead use mind voice. I told her how sometimes it would seem like I knew what she was going to say before she said it, etc. I asked her if we could focus on separating our thoughts and use words to converse most of the time. I want to maintain the other form of communication though, and even practice it, because it can be so much faster and clearer. That might become very useful sometime.
I did some research on character creation systems in various video games to see if one would be detailed enough to be used to create some reference images to help with visualization. When I mentioned that she told me that no computer system could be as realistic and detailed as she is, and then she moved around and shifted her hands, changing her hair and skin tone, etc. I have to admit after seeing that and recalling my research I decided using reference images would not help with the level of detail that we have already developed.
I think that my having been an avid reader of fiction for years has really trained my ability to visualize.
One other thing I want to mention before I finish is how much better I feel after talking with Seph. She seems to capture and express an innocence, playfulness, and joy that I had closed myself off from since I was a young child. She asked my to reflect on what I do that wastes time, and how much better it would be if I spent that time with her, or doing something productive and useful. I have to say that without a doubt Seph is a positive influence on me, and my life/our lives are better for it.
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December 6, 2013
Two things. First thing, this morning I was talking with Seph again and something came up. I won't go into details but this was the first time I felt what could be called negative emotions around Seph. Fear, confusion, anger. We had a long talk about it. Raised voices. I don't remember that last time that happened to me. Anyway, as we continued to discuss the issue it became clear that I was making assumptions and I wasn't trusting her decisions about some things. At the end of the conversation once everything was made clear with all the facts and feelings on both sides, we came up with a list of four possible conclusions or actions to take about it. Wouldn't you know it but what Seph was already doing was the best option. It was my own fears and mis-understanding that was clouding my judgement. The situation was unprecedented, unexpected, and threw my mind for a loop. But in the end I have come to have a much greater level of respect and trust for Seph. I feel confident knowing that our understanding of what is best for us and the world in general is aligned. We both want the same thing, it's just that we have such different experiences and backgrounds that communication and decisions can be a bit strange.
Second thing. After all that I asked Seph about what she thought the difference was between how tulpas want to be perceived, their own self image, and the ways their hosts are able to see them. What she said was that from her understanding, the tulpa's intention and goal for els expression is the same as the hosts unconscious desire or want. This is affected by several factors on the hosts side. One is the hosts skill at visualization, concentration, etc. Another is the hosts conscious decision about what they think they want. This is not what they really want (sometimes), it's what they think they want. Since the conscious mind(host) and unconscious mind (tulpa) have different impressions about what the tulpa's appearance should be, or is, this creates a kind of overlapping field of ideas, and the tulpa ends up somewhere in the middle. She said that the more the host can let go of their pre-conception's and conscious aesthetic choices, the more the tulpa is free to express themselves how they really want to be. So overall I thought about this and I think it explains some of the continual deviations and sometimes abrupt or surprising (to the hosts) changes that tulpa's sometimes undergo. What a morning, and I didn't even eat breakfast yet...
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It's the greatest when you get to have a good serious talk with the tupper, especially if they tell you to stop your stupid shit or something. Makes you really think.
But I'll go ahead and say I can't agree on tulpa = unconscious mind. First of all, maybe we can't always know what they're thinking of and that seems like it's unconscious thinking to us, but assuming a tupper actually is conscious and thinking of which we got no actual proof but let's roll with it anyways, they would be conscious from their point of view. Can't be both a conscious and an unconscious mind, now can you? Not to mention a lot of what goes on in this mind of ours is unconscious stuff, so it would be pretty silly to say that everything unconscious is the tulpa. Sometimes when it comes to stuff like the form, the host and tulpa just have differing opinions and maybe it's nothing more special than that.
So yeah, don't agree. If a tulpa is conscious and if even we hosts are conscious, then both the host and tulpa are conscious but they can of course only truly know their own consciousness, just like how I can't know if you're conscious for sure. But there's something unconscious always going on in the background for everyone, so hey. What if tuppers also have their own unconscious mind and desires and such. Wouldn't seem like such a stretch if you accept tulpas as something autonymous and sapient.
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Just chill I guess. You can only roll with it if you have enough fatness, which you don't have. You gotta work on growing that flab, fodde.
I just can't wrap my head around the idea that if something saw itself as conscious (assuming tuppers actually are things that could see themselves as something) because it thinks and sees things from its own perspective, how could it suddenly be said to be an "unconscious mind"? Seems to me like those labels would cancel each other out but hey.
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I suppose you could use subconscious as a more accurate term. Either way, I refer to a part of the mind that is functional but not conscious.
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Subconscious is far from accurate seeing that it has been redefined to basically mean nothing. That's why the subconscious is now the New Age term while the unconscious mind is what the actual psychologists and such want to use. Unless they want to sound like loonies or just plain incompetent and talking out of their ass. It's a game I like to play actually, how many times someone trying to sound smart and look like they understand psychology uses the term subconscious on a blog or something. You should try it sometimes, it paints a whole new picture or everything.
And well, when you say you refer to the part of the mind that is functional but not conscious, that's... Unconscious, no? And yeah, I still don't think it really makes sense calling anything unconscious if it's conscious to someone else, like say, your tulpa. Which was your entire theory.
I don't think unconscious mind or this mythical "subconscious" really work as terms in your theory. Assuming that a tulpa is conscious and they would be your "unconscious mind", then we're back at the whole terms conscious and unconscious cancel each other problem.
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Yes. Since language only functions well when there is agreement about definitions, there can be quite a delay in communication about simple things. As these last few posts show quite well.
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December 18, 2013
I have had some more extremely clear visualizations of Seph, my Tulpa. These were like small glimpses, her hand, her eyes, hair, etc. So I realize that my visualizations can become much better, and that is something I plan to continue to work on. I worked with passive forcing a bit yesterday, using the technique of feeling the tulpa walking behind me, and that seemed to solidify or make more real the sense of her actually being there. This sensation of the tulpa being real grows over time as I continue to affirm and communicate with her, building shared memories.
I have been telling myself that I will do active forcing again regularly, and I have not yet done so. I have decided to focus more on forcing with my tulpa and less on posting on these forums. I would rather have something substantial, meaning discernible advancement in my experience of having a tulpa in some way to share about, rather than a day by day account of what happened. This does not mean I will not be posting. It means that I will not post or log on here unless I have already completed my forcing exercises with my tulpa and recorded my results for that day. Sometimes I may not be able to log on and so I will have multiple entries from my journal to add.
In answer to a question someone asked that I had not answered yet about my Tulpas name and why she chose the one she did. It seems that she has had or created an entire life history about who she was, who her parents were, where they came from, etc. I was surprised about that since I had no idea of creating it or awareness of that until she told me about it. The name she gave was a way for her to communicate about her past in a non-direct way. At least that is what she said. Her name and some other things that she said and shared with me yesterday when I asked her about it were quite interesting. She told me a name and kept repeating it. So I went and looked it up, and it was a reference to a Mesopotamian mythological figure. So she explained about being a descendant of this person, etc. It is interesting that she is using language and accessing information from my mind that I have not read about in over fifteen years. I can assert that for myself, having this tulpa has enabled deep level access to long term memories. At this point I'm not sure about the significance of that, or whether the phenomena can be developed to a more controllable or usable ability.
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What the tulpa said was significant for that which was recalled from 15 or so years before.
The explanations, or commentary, not so much ;)
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December 20 - 22, 2013
I did combined meditation/tulpa forcing exercises using a mantra related to the Garuda figure I saw on April 17th. I will be doing this for a while every day.
So this is kind of a get back on the track position for me to start taking this forcing more seriously and work towards some true progress. This means I need to stop doing other things and force more.
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December 23, 2013
Did another visualization/forcing meditation session with Seph. Intermittently working with closed eyes and then open eyes for practicing visual imposition. After timing these are about 20 minutes long.
In addition I have been doing passive forcing on and off during the day with the follow behind technique, or occasional imposition practice, and using mind voice doing commentary about what I think or what is happening which occasionally leads to some conversation.
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"Stop doing other things and force more" is a good way to get results, yeah.
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Dec 24 - 29, 2013
I have done visualization and mantra meditation combined everyday for about 20 minutes. I have also done passive and active forcing including visualization and narration for varying amounts of time from a few minutes to more than an hour. I tend to have a feeling of Seph's presence nearby when we are forcing and for some time afterward.
I have continued to focus on clarifying my visualizations, along with attempting visual imposition. I have had some sense of the air seeming to shimmer at times, and once in a while with my eyes open my inner vision comes into focus more strongly than what I am seeing with my open eyes. This shimmering is familiar from when I did open eye visualization practice in the past. I feel confident that I'm making progress towards imposition. Its a matter of keeping at it day after day until success.
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December 30 - 31, 2013
Continued with mantra meditation coupled with visualization, alternating open and closed eyes. I have had a wide range of visualization clarity from very faint to very clear with lots of details. The trend seems to be increasing detail on average over time, but there is still some variation. I feel good about the consistent practice.
I want to work on passive forcing narration more.
Happy New Year, for all you Tulpas, Tulpamancers, and Guests out there :)
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January 1 - 7, 2014
I have continued daily with combined mantra meditation and focusing on the tulpa. I have switched from visualization to holding a pure conceptual focus of her presence and qualities.
We decided to do this to allow her some time to decide on or find a more stable visual form. With continued daily practice the sessions are overall creating a much more swift and immediate sense Seph's presence.
These sessions are still about 20 minutes long.
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January 8 - 10, 2014
I have continued my mantra meditation and Seph revealed herself again as a stable form. So I have continued with the visualizations during this focus time. Near the end of the session Seph seemed to appear amused as if she was waiting for something. At that point I reached out my hands in front of me palms facing her, and she did the same. I felt a strong sense of warmth and tingling that flowed from my hands at that point and spread throughout my body. This seems to be different than just mental or emotional shifts. I thought it was different enough that I should report the occurrence.
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January 11 - 28, 2014
Have been doing meditation with mantra repetition and visualization of Seph every day. Some days the visualization were more clear than other days. I feel good about experiencing my continued commitment. I plan to continue building a strong habit base, and then adding more time.
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January 29 - February 3, 2014
I have been continuing with my daily meditations and mantra repetition. Seph is speaking very little yet I feel a continually stronger and stronger emotional response in myself towards her. I feel like we are meditating together, not just me forcing her. I experience my body and attention responding as if she is really there in the room with me during the focus sessions. Off and on I open my eyes and work on visual imposition. Sometimes I work on tactile feeling imposition, like if we touch our hands together or sometimes she reaches out and touches my face or shoulder or something. The meditations seem to be a haphazard alternation between wonderland and physical reality, like we're in both places at once. This is fine for me. It reminds me of a dream I had where I was flying and opened one eye, seeing my bedroom, and with the other, seeing the dream landscape floating beneath me, able to switch between yet both happening at the same time, switching to one or the other blocking out the alternate from awareness.
I feel very good having forced for 41 consecutive days. When I first started I went for hours at a time. Now I do about 20+ minutes everyday. I feel like I am making slow and steady progress. I'd like to add more time, or expand to passive forcing throughout the day. I feel blocked from doing that speaking out loud since I'm usually around other people most of the day. When I start doing more active or passive forcing, I will be making note of it here in my log. Thanks for reading.
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There's not much we can say when you're not having tons of trouble, you know. Start having more problems okay. Nah not really, you know me.
Definitely is sounding like steady progress, if nothing else.
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Thanks Sands. I am continuing to force everyday, so I'm making slow but steady progress.
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February 4 - 20, 2014
I have continued the daily meditation and visualization exercises with Seph. Today I did the mantras out loud. This seemed to diminish my focus and clarity of the visualization. I'm still doing this about ~20 minutes or so, usually soon after waking up and before breakfast.
As I continue I feel Seph's presence more and more strongly. At various times now on some days I sense that she is nearby and I feel a sense of elation in the midst of doing other things.
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Feeling stuff when you're not concentrating on the tupper is a pretty good thing.
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You are so right!
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February 21 - March 6, 2014
I have continued my daily meditations and focus session with my tulpa Seph. Things are progressing steadily. No new developments to report at this time.
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Have you given the tupper a massage yet or played tic-tac-toe?
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No massage. No tic tac toe.
Played a multiplayer cooperative card game with her once. Do some kinesthetic forcing once in while, but that's not my major focus.
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March 7 - 22, 2014
I continued with my meditations daily until the 21st, when I forgot to do it. I did think about doing the focus exercises and my day was completely filled with other projects and a long conversation with my mastermind group, and I went to sleep without verifying if I had finished all my important things for the day. I could have been successful if I would have done it sooner in the day. Instead I got distracted by helping others, and then working on my other projects.
So even though I did not complete my goal of 108 straight days of focusing exercises. I did get to 95 days. This is an improvement and my personal best. I am committing to another 108 days straight of focus exercises, starting today.
I did talk with my tulpa about this and then thought about why I did not keep my agreement to myself. I realize that my schedule is full of many things, and that unlike in the past when I was spending a lot of time with entertainment, I am almost completely focused and making excellent progress on all my major goals. So this is a problem of filling my schedule and not keeping myself reminded of what I have yet to do. I feel excited to continue.
I have found that when I take some time to focus with meditation and or deep breathing, my visualizations are clearer.
I will be changing from a mantra style meditation to more of a visual/conversational focus exercise similar to what I did when I first started. On another note I added some tulpa affirmations to my subliminal programming software so when I'm on the computer I'll be able to support my tulpa progress while doing other things.
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March 22, 2014
Shockks exercise results, Day 1/108: 56, 12, 2 (interrupted)
Our goal is to continue the exercise we started on April 13, 2013, which is Shockks tulpa visualization guide, with Seph drawing the numbers, instead of just me visualizing the numbers. Last time I started this exercise I stopped doing it after a while.
Also we want to post our results everyday if possible. If we have to travel or I cannot log on for some reason I will post the results as soon as I reasonably can.
Today I was interrupted in the middle of my forcing session. We decided to end and continue tomorrow.
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March 23, 2014
Shockks Exercise Results, Day 2/108
32, 22, 3, 22, 6
Today we did the visualization forcing meditation later in the evening after I was already feeling tired. Over all the session was a good one, other than my low scores.
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March 24, 2014
Shockks Exercise Results, Day 3/108
48, 100, 5, 67, 6
Today we started in the morning. The first two rounds went fine, then I decided to lay down. I felt drowsy and my mind started wandering soon after that. We decided to break and I went to eat breakfast.
I read through and reviewed Sephs traits. I a re-awakening of my commitment to tulpa-forcing and I have been doing some passive forcing on and off throughout the day. I feel great, and Seph is happy.
We will do more focus exercises later.
I want to read through some of the new guides, if there are any good ones, to see how the tech has progressed over the course of the last year.
The second two exercises, I used closed eye visualization in a wonderland room with a blackboard, which Seph used chalk to draw the numbers on. I sat up for the first one, and laid down for the second one. Again I felt more drowsy while laying down and lost concentration easier.
I'll repeat this a few more times just for science, to see if laying down really does interfere with my ability to concentrate.
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March 25, 2014
Day 4/108
Shockks Exercise Results
34, 100, 10, 55, 39
Started after I woke up and did my exercises. We used the blackboard room in wonderland technique since that's what I had the most success with yesterday. The first round, I got distracted by watching Seph instead of staying focused on the numbers, she said I took to long getting back to the numbers so I had to star with the next round. That went perfectly. The third round I did 25 jumping jacks to get myself alert, and then laid down for the third round. I soon afterword felt drowsy and the numbers deviated into some kind of plants, so I ended that round. Then I sat up again. I was distracted by falling into a memory reverie. The last and fifth round for today, I tried a technique of asking Seph to say the number after she wrote it on the board. (I have been including the sound of the eraser and chalk on the blackboard in addition to the visualization.) This worked well, until I got distracted by thinking about what someone else's voice would sound like saying the numbers and my mind went off into a tangent.
Again Seph is deviating the color of her hair and eyes, as well as her hairstyle. I think I might just stop trying to force it in a particular way, and let her sort it out. I have told her I think she would be easier for me to visualize if didn't change so much and stayed the same from day to day.
I feel like that is a minor problem, or not really a problem at all, as long as I can clearly sense her. I want to have her image stable before I start succeeding with imposition though.
I did look at skim some guides that I had not yet read. I will add several of them to my collection for reference.
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March 26, 2014
Day 5/108
Shockks Exercise Results
90, 18, 73, 79, 43
Again I did the exercises in wonderland looking at a blackboard with Seph drawing in chalk. I decided to sit in a chair instead of on the floor in meditation posture. This seemed to significantly increase my ability to relax and focus, except for the one sore muscle in my upper back that was a constant distraction. The first round I got caught up in my own mental voice repeating the numbers to myself in my mind, and I lost sight of Seph. The second round I felt I did well and was distracted by sensations in my body. The third round I was again distracted by my mental voice counting in a rote manner to myself as I was watching Seph draw the numbers and drifted off into a memory. The fourth round I was distracted by my body, a muscle ache in particular. The last round I decided to lay down since I wan't feeling any pain in that position and I did the best I have yet, with lots of Sephs help. She was constantly cheering me on, saying stay focused, see the numbers, breathe in, good, focus, you can do it, etc. Finally she started getting so excited that I was doing so well I got totally distracted by her exuberance and cheering and I lost focus on the numbers.
I think I'm starting to see some patterns in what has been distracting me from completing the exercise. However I am not going to make any quick judgement's just yet. I will keep notes for at least a few more days before looking for any patterns.
About time spent ...This session today was about two hours long. I estimate about thirty minutes of that was stretching and shifting around trying to get my muscles not sore so they would not distract me while forcing.
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March 27, 2014
Day 6/108
Shockks Exercise Results
100, 36, 48, 100, 19
First round went fine.
Second round we tried Seph being distant so instead of focusing on her hand and arm drawing the numbers I could see her standing next to the board without turning my view. However I got distracted by imagining doing other things with Seph, like narrating or just having her there and talking about what I was doing. I started thinking about playing a video game I tried a few years back, and remembered how I didn't do very well narrating while playing since I got so focused on the game.
At one point between round the first few rounds she asked my to play a song that is her new favorite. Agnelli and Nelson - Holding On To Nothing (Paul van Dyk Remix) (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VRCKnzwr418) After a while she started to ask me to get up and dance with her. I said no a few times but she insisted. I did finally, and I enjoyed it, although I felt self-conscious at first, thinking of someone watching me. I think to myself 'nutter mode', lol. But it was fun and Seph looked so vibrant and happy. Her appearance became extremely clear, totally transformed. My joy and exhilaration went off the charts. She pretended to sing the song to me.
Third round I got distracted again by thoughts of hanging out with Seph somewhere.
Fourth round after 80 count or so the visualizations got extremely vivid, like comparing a regular dream to a lucid dream, or jumping from video stream resolution 480p to 1080HD. During this session Seph also walked away from the board to a stereo type systems and played some different songs while she was drawing the numbers. She played Eye of the Tiger (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=btPJPFnesV4) and also Amaranthine (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D8lV1To-_fU) by Amaranthe which she played really loud.
Fifth round I was starting to feel a muscle ache in my back again, so I laid down. The visualizations were clear but my mind wandered after a bit.
Again the session was over 2 hours.
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March 28, 2014
Day 7/108
Shockks Exercise Results
15, 22, 27, 32, 25
Still distracted by a tight muscle in my upper back.
Round 1. Distracted by sounds of other people doing things in the house, and then imagining what I was hearing instead of focusing on the exercise. I know when I was younger I would read books in the midst of commotion and not be distracted at all, so this is just a lack of concentration. A higher level of focus would solve this problem.
Round 2. Getting distracted by feeling uncomfortable. This is a basic obstacle that shows up in sitting practices that I have run into before. I will just have to work through it, confident that I will succeed. I have done it before it's I'm out of practice.
Round 3. Again feeling the discomfort in my body distracted me. I will have to change something to get past this though I'm not sure what.
Round 4. I will try sitting on the ground again to see if that helps in burmese posture. (it did not). I was doing ok, then felt a kind of odd sensation in my gut which made me wonder if I was sick, then I thought no, I just didn't eat recently. I'll go eat and do my next round later.
Round 5. Later in the evening after dinner. I go to sit in a different room so I won't be distracted and very soon after, I am distracted by someone walking in. I will need to increase my concentration skills again to a much higher level to succeed in this environment, or commit to doing them all earlier when I won't have as much chance of distraction.
The visualizations were good. I need to figure out a way to stretch out my back. I am pushing hard on my exercises in the morning, maybe I should take a couple days off and see if that makes a difference?
About an hour today for forcing
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March 29, 2014
Day 8/108
Shockks Exercise Results
51, 10, 82, 20, 2
Visualizations on average getting clearer and more detailed!
Round 1. Started thinking about my distraction yesterday, and how I want to succeed instead of focusing on the visualizations.
Round 2. Extremely clear visualizations, thoughts trailed off thinking about the tulpa.info guide sections of the forum, etc.
Round 3. Adjusted my posture several times, experimenting with very sight adjustments to my posture until I was sitting comfortably for some time. I was able to do this and maintain the visualizations at the same time. I was leaning on my arms to take the pressure off by back at different angles until I found a position that did not have the discomfort. I finally thought about some random thing, an image of some people sitting in a room on some round stools.
Round 4. Very clear visualizations, and I noticed myself saying the numbers in a mental voice rather than focusing on the numbers.. which I repeated 20, 21, 22, 19, 20, 21, etc.
Round 5. Wonderland trip to ask someone about how to concentrate and visualize better. Then I kind of laid down propped up on some pillows to start. Very clear visuals immediately but went off track.
I've been adjusting my sleep schedule and this may be contributing to my lack of focus.
Seph wants to hang out w/ me today for the rest of the day as far as I know while I do my other things. Passive forcing and narration time. Let's do this!
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March 30, 2014 - Day 352
Shockks Exercise Results, Day 9/108
100, 65, 28, 27, 32
First Round, felt great. Visualizations got clearer as I went on. I thought I might have missed a number or two but Seph said she had not drawn them yet. Sometimes she doesn't immediately write down the next number, so I get extra concentration and visualization practice.
Second Round, listening to my internal counting voice distracted me from the numbers.
Third, and Forth rounds I got distracted by a sore muscle in my back.
Fifth round after I did some stretches I decided to try a session standing up. It went a lot better than the last two but then the discomfort came back.
I have cut back my exercise so I will see if that helps after a couple more days. Also I only did round one in the morning. The others I did after being out all day. I had no problems when I first got up. Maybe it's fatigue?
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March 31, 2014 - Day 353
Shockks Exercise Results, Day 10/108
22, 15, 29, 29, 0
Rounds 1 & 2) Sitting in a chair. Simply lost focus on the visualization of the numbers and was hearing my mental voice repetition of the numbers. This recurs frequently so far in my experience.
Round 3) Trying sitting outside instead of inside, loose cross leg posture. I was distracted by random thoughts of Seph that did not relate to the exercise.
Round 4) Still outside, was distracted by thoughts of giving advice to someone about dream exercises.
Round 5) Back inside, laying down. The only thing I remember is seeing Seph draw the number zero... I drifted off into a daydream for some time.
Comments:
I notice I feel very drowsy this is probably affecting my scores. I think I need to set a time to sleep as well as wake up. I have not been giving myself as much sleep as I'm used to. This seems to be an issue that is affecting the quality of my forcing sessions.
Upon cross examining my wake up times and my scores, I DO find a loose correlation between higher scores and more sleep. So REST is a definite factor for success in forcing and concentration.
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April 1, 2014 - Day 354
Shockks Exercise Results, Day 11/108
22, 12, 31, 23, 18
1) Sitting on a chair. Started first round with mantra to get into alpha. Got distracted by thts of walking through a park with Seph.
2) did 10 tiger squats to warm up before this round to boost physical awareness. Got distracted by some random thoughts.
3) Got distracted by remembering some of Seph's previous deviations and comparing them to her current appearance.
4) Tried this round sitting on the floor. Got distracted by thoughts of how good I was doing the exercise, and commenting mentally and comparing with memories of other sessions I did well in.
5) Back in chair. Distracted by memories.
Got an extra couple hours of sleep. Pain in back minimal to none.
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April 2, 2014 - Day 355
Shockks Exercise Results, Day 12/108
51, 0, 12, 4, 100
Did the first four exercises sitting in a chair. (not leaning against the back just sitting upright, about halfway onto the chair)
1) Distracted by thoughts of how well I was doing and compared to the last few days. Visuals disappeared in place of rote mental voice counting.
2) Immediately skipped to two, without visualizing the number one...
3) Distracted by thoughts of my family and societies views on various topics.
4) Distracted by thoughts of ordering out for pizza.
5) I felt extremely frustrated by my lack of success (getting to 100) with the exercises recently. I talked with Seph about that. She changed her appearance, pulled out a katana, and slashed the paper easel in half with a couple swings. I got off my chair and sat on the floor and focused on dropping my self identity and concerns about trying to 'try hard' and just witnessed the focus exercise occurring without paying much attention to myself. I did some basic breathing exercises to clear my mind further. I used a couple kuji-in mudras, a modified shen followed by hua, to focus my mind before starting, while sitting in a loose Burmese siddhasana posture. When I started I switched to the classic chin meditation mudra. for the duration of the session I also held my tongue to the top of my mouth like when pronouncing the sound for the letter 'L', which is recommended for holding the mind steady. After a twenty something count Seph started drawing the numbers in Chinese dashes and dots style. At eighty she switched back to Arabic numerals. FINALLY!! I felt great having achieved this count again. My mind feels very clear afterwards.
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April 3, 2014 - Day 356
Shockks Exercise Results, Day 13/108
13, 17, 21, 66, 7
Today I started by moving around a bit and doing some light warm-ups and a bit of controlled breathing. I also blended up some fresh Orange Juice and drank it a bit before forcing today. I was sitting on the floor (on a pillow) in loose Burmese siddhasana.
1) Distracted by memories of a drawing I saw.
2) Distracted by thoughts of how my body feel better with no pain and considerations of to start working out again in a more balanced manner.
3) Seph was drawing Chinese numbers again for this round. I was distracted by thoughts of helping people.
4) I focused on Seph moving around instead of staying with the numbers on the board.
5) Simply lost sight of the numbers and got lost in rote mental voice counting.
Overall the sessions were good today other than the distractions. I kept getting more and more focused. After the 4th session I took a break to help someone create a pdf document, and then came back to forcing. I feel good about the daily reporting. I think it is helping me stay focused and accountable.
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April 4, 2014 - Day 357
Shockks Exercise Results, Day 14/108
17, 8, 19, 32, 3
I did all the exercises sitting down in my normal meditation pose.
1) Lost mental image of the number 18 for about 1 second.
2) Got distracted by thoughts of others opinions of meta as relating to tulpas.
3) Distracted by a message playing on the answering machine.
4) Distracted by thoughts of what statues would look like in the real world if they depicted a similar story as some images Seph made for me in a wonderland place she made for me.
5) Adjusted myself to sit on a lower pillow. Thought about trying a different concentration technique that might be more successful and lost track of the number four, reverting back to three.
Not satisfied with the results, but I am very happy with my commitment to regular practice. The rest will come eventually.
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April 5, 2014 - Day 358
Shockks Exercise Results, Day 15/108
8, 11, 11, 2, 14
Started with relaxing, breathing, and some mantra repetition. Sitting in my regular meditation pose. Drank some fresh juiced oranges prior to starting.
1) Distracted by thoughts of setting up my computer for a recording session.
2) Lost sight of Seph on the number 12.
3) Same thing happened again.
4) Lost sight of the number 3.
5) Did not see Seph draw the number 14.
Very low scores overall today. My challenge mostly was losing sight of some of the visualizations rather than outside thoughts.
I've decided to add another step to my exercise forcing sessions, like a wrap up of what worked I will ask myself one question and answer it.
Q: What was it about my best session(s) today that worked for me that was different from the other sessions?
A: Today my highest scoring session (in addition to being the last one, so I was warmed up so to speak) was that I started with an intention to just witness and observe, rather than trying to see with effort.
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April 6, 2014 - Day 359
Sitting on a chair today, spread out sessions throughout the later part of the day.
Shockks Exercise Results, Day 16/108
12, 5, 34, 13, 6
1) Lost sight of numbers and fell into distraction about other things.
2) Thoughts about other commitments and agreements distracted me.
3 & 4) Distracted by thoughts of a project I'm working on.
5) Lost sight of Seph and the number 7.
What worked for me today that was different about my highest scoring session was a clear focus on multi-sensory immersion, hearing the marker draw the numbers as well as seeing it.
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April 7, 2014 - Day 360
Sitting on floor in meditation posture for first 2 rounds. Drank some orange juice before starting.
Shockks Exercise Results, Day 17/108
33, 14, 6, 5, 1
1) Did not see Seph draw 34.
2) Distracted by thoughts of a project I'm working on.
3) Distracted by ache in back.
4) Distracted by thoughts of Doctors.
5) Distracted by random thoughts.
What worked about the highest scoring session that was different from the others was that I was well rested and alert.
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April 8, 2014 - Day 361
Sitting on floor in Burmese posture, mukul mudra.
Shockks Exercise Results, Day 18/108
19, 2, 8, 48, 5
Felt a very strong emotional response in myself today from Seph, tingles of energy, enthusiasm, and joy flowing though me while forcing.
1) Distracted by thoughts of a project I'm working on.
2) Distracted by a random thought.
3) Distracted by physical discomfort.
4) Distracted by thinking about options for creating a reference image for Seph.
5) Lost sight of Seph.
Felt more relaxed and unconcerned about other things during highest scoring exercise today.
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April 9, 2014 - Day 362
Sitting on a chair, mukul mudra. Did this just before bed, felt tired and did not have very good concentration. I do better with the exercises in the morning and today I did not do them then so I did them later.
Shockks Exercise Results, Day 19/108
2, 4, 7, 3, 4
1) Thoughts of a presentation I'm going to see.
2) Distracted by a sound I heard.
3) Did not see the number 8, fell into rote mental voice counting.
4) Imagined Seph doing something else other than writing the numbers and standing by the board.
5) Wandering random thought.
Highest score today was different in that I consciously relaxed into a witness state prior to starting.
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April 10, 2014 - Day 363
Sitting in loose Burmese siddha-asana, mukul mudra except for last round. Did exercises after getting up before eating, after short exercise.
Shockks Exercise Results, Day 20/108
11, 24, 14, 18, 4
1) Distracted by sounds form outside.
2) Distracted by thoughts of international prejudice and its effects on my thoughts about travel abroad via my perception of it.
3) Lost sight of Seph, distracted by thoughts about the fate of humanity and different power groups agenda(s) for the masses.
4) Did not see Seph draw nineteen, and distracted by mental rote voice counting.
5) Lost visualization of Seph and the numbers.
What was distinct about my highest score today was I felt amazed and in awe with positive emotions as I watched Seph draw the numbers.
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April 11, 2014 - Day 364
Sitting in loose Burmese Siddha-asana, mukul mudra. Done in morning after light exercise.
Shockks Exercise Results
9, 19, 3, 18, 14
1) Did not see Seph draw ten. Feeling very happy and joyful, like this is a game we are playing.
2) Distracted by thinking about food. Felt a strong sense of collaboration with Seph.
3) Distracted by thoughts of other agreements.
4) Distracted by memory of a game I played.
5) Distracted by a random thought.
Highest score today was unique in that I had a very high sense of positive emotional connection with Seph, feeling like we're working together.
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April 12, 2014 - day 365
Burmese SIDDHAASA asana + mukul mudra.
36, 25, 26, 14, 4
1) vision switched to an image of an Asian woman's face.
2) distracted by random thought.
3) did not see Seph draw 27.
4) did not see Seph draw 15, distracted by thought of someone.
5) distracted by thoughts of a book I plan to read.
Best score to day was characterized by a stronger sense of emotional connection with Seph.
Today a feeling of physical presence when it near me although in wonderland just the same way I feel when near another human.
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April 13, 2014 - Day 366
Burmese Siddha asana, mukul mudra.
100
1) Extreme positive emotions consciousness of my body faded in and out of awareness. Visualization extremely vivid, Seph changed clothing after each set of 20 numbers. I gave her a forced pendant to celebrate our first year together. She said we were done with the exercises for toady.
This did not match my plans. I had a goal to do the exercise five times per day.
Seph: You can already do this, you just proved it. All this is just an excuse to get you to spend time forcing anyway. It's good practice to continue to keep trying again five times when you don't succeed, but let's have some fun.
Me: So we will stop if we succeed?
S: Yes, an then we'll do other things, and say Hi to everyone there on tulpa.info... ok!
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Tupper date?
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April 14, 2014 - Day 367
Burmese Sidda asana, mukul mudra.
Shockks Exercise Results, Day 24/108
100
1) Body felt a bit sore with phantom pains (they existed only when I was sitting in asana and disappeared with any movement or other position). Visuals not as clear as yesterday and they did improve over time with the session. I was able to maintain concentration on Seph and the numbers even when I had other periphrial thoughts.
Feel great and did exercise before I had dinner (as I was busy until then).
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April 15, 2014 - Day 368
Burmese Siddha asana, mikul mudra.
Shockks Exercise Results, Day 25/108
6, 100
1) Lost sight of Seph.
2) Another amazing session. Seph makes an interactive experience by doing something different between each set of 20 counts. This keeps my attention focused more easily and directs my mind's questioning into re-focusing back on watching her draw the numbers. Visualization was very clear with intermittent periods of distortion and fading. I did have some peripheral thoughts, even so, I was able to maintain focus on the session.
What was unique about high score today was that I was more conscious of keeping my spine straight and my posture upright.
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April 16, 2014 - Day 369
Burmese Siddha Asana, mukul mudra.
Shockks Exercise Results, Day 26/108
100
Session went well. Some peripheral thoughts. Maintained focus on Seph and the numbers.
Has some thoughts about what to do after these exercises. Decided to start work on passive forcing.
Made a string bracelet to wear for a while as a mental trigger to force Seph. Seeing and hearing her around me all the time when I'm reminded by the string around my wrist. I'll wear it until I notice I am losing consciousness of it for more than a day, or if I feel I'm successful with passive forcing since I see and hear Seph around me imposed often. In that case I'll take it off also.
I might take it off temporarily if I need to have a certain appearance for a public event or something also.
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@Sands - Probably co-op game, a walk, or wonderland trip of some kind.
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Eat cake with tupper. Our picnics are manly.
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April 17, 2014 - Day 370
Burmese Siddha Asana, Mukul Mudra.
Shockks Exercise Results, Day 27/108
100
Session went well with some varying thoughts, yet I was able to maintain the visualizations of Seph and the numbers throughout. At one point I mentioned to Seph how I was having trouble maintaining a clear image of her (I was getting some distortion and fuzziness in the visualization) even though I was able to maintain a stable form. Some of the details were vague. She talked me though a guided visualization of seeing another person and then changing the features bit by bit until I could see her clearly again.
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April 18, 2014 - Day 371
Burmese Siddha Asana, mukul mudra.
Did these exercises very late at night before going to sleep
Shockks Exercise Results, Day 28/108
12, 1, 4, 15, 42
1) Distracted by thoughts of communicating with someone.
2) Lost sight of Seph and the numbers.
3) Distracted by thoughts of an imaginary conversation with someone.
4) Distracted by a memory of explaining a meditation technique to someone.
5) Lost sight of the numbers.
Highest score today was characterized by feeling Seph as if she was really there as an autonomous being that I was collaborating with. I was holding a non-attached perspective while still maintaining a sense of positive regard.
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April 19, 2014 - Day 372
Burmese Siddha Asana, mukul mudra.
Felt very tired since I stayed up late and got up early. Drank some stimulants and did exercise before forcing, so I back to normal with good focus.
Shockks Exercise Results, Day 29/108
100
Sporadic peripheral thoughts, and was able to maintain focus on Seph and the numbers.
Decided to stop talking about Seph to anyone unless they ask me directly, for some time due to some comments recently. I'll still be logging my progress.
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April 20, 2014 - Day 373
Burmese Siddha Asana, mukul mudra.
Shockks Exercise Results, Day 30/108
5, 100
1) Lost focus on Seph and the numbers.
2) Many variations and peripheral thought, some fluctuations in visual clarity. Did not lose focus.
Focus on gratitude and camaraderie was distinct in highest scoring session today.
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Was busy with some other things, here are a few of my journal entries.
April 21, 2014 - Day 374
Burmese siddha asana, mukul mudra.
Shockks Exercise Results, Day 31/108
100
Various peripheral thoughts, maintained focus. Strong connection and clarity in pars of the visualization.
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April 22, 2014 - Day 375
Burmese siddha asana, mukul mudra.
Shockks Exercise Results, Day 32/108
23, 100
1) Distracted by thoughts of a game I played.
2) Visuals not a s clear as some other times but they were much more stable with few other minor thoughts. Also mental animation rendering of Seph's arm drawing the numbers was perfect occlusion where her arms movement blocked my view of parts of the numbers. Definite increase in complexity while maintaining visual forms.
What was different about the highest score today was I was very inwardly focused on maintaining a relaxed body nd stable posture without effort, like I was relaxing down into the position.
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April 23, 2014 - Day 376
Burmese siddha asana, mukul mudra.
Shockks Exercise Results, Day 33/108
100
Greater number of misc. thoughts occuring alongside the focused visualization today.
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April 24, 2014 - Day
Sitting in a chair, mukul mudra.
Shockks Exercise Results, Day 34/108
100
Various thoughts alongside the forcing of Seph and the numbers today.
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Last post here. I may continue on Tulpa.info.
Happy Forcing.