Day 123^{special rambling edition}

---

34:25 total activeforcing time. Used vocality self-hypnosis script.

Okay guys, rambling time.
Narration continues, though it's been somewhat flaky as of late. What I mean by that is that sometimes I'll talk (more like ramble) endlessly about pointless stuff, and then I tend to forget who I'm supposed to be talking to, and other times I don't even have any coherent thoughts and don't do a thing even when it would be a perfect time for narration.

Doubt... is still there. Sometimes I wonder if it's just me (yeah again). Since the mindvoice (or thought stream) that replies to my question is almost the same, doubt still has some ground sustaining it.
Visuals have regressed somewhat, but that's all my fault for being the worst host and doing a lot of stuff that matters much less than tulpamancy.
But hey, I have been doing a lot of stuff that I didn't before. I have been eating healthy now (wow, even I impressed myself and everyone around there; I also cook pretty much all my meals myself now), I have been getting good grades (passed all English exams with the highest notes), I'm somewhat ambidextrous now (can do a lot of things except for writing/drawing, sweeping floors or use chopsticks with any hand) and I have produced quite a lot of music-related stuff. It's great, except that I feel more and more disconnected from my tulpa. It's awful, got everything to feel awesome yet that thing that matters the most is being somewhat neglected.
And saying that I have done all of that by myself would be a mistake. My tulpa pretty much kickstarted me to see things on a different perspective. The benefits have been immense, now that I'm writing them down I realize it. The progress from the me back in December to the me today is huge. But how can I ever make up for all that neglect? I haven't even finished my wonderland! From what I've seen, it's pretty dull. And there aren't any NPC's, or mechanisms or stuff to do. And yet my tulpa seems okay with it? Am I so weird that my tulpa also turned out that way?

Ever since I got back into active forcing I have experienced diminished presence for some reason. Oh well.
Today I particularly felt unfocused on the session and a bit out of it. Must be because I was awoken suddenly or something. Remember not to set three alarm clocks at 5:00 when your grandparents went to sleep at 4:00 unless you want a stern talking to.

I have an ever-increasing desire to do more "traditional" forcing, with wonderlanding and all that. Self-hypnosis is pretty legit, but also quite dull.
But... these days I'm swarmed with stuff to do (my fault maybe, for being so productive these days. Blegh, sounds like a humblebrag or some equally trite thing). Or at least, when I start doing something, time flies and when I realize it it's already 23:00 and it's bedtime. Poor time management skills? Maybe.

For some reason, I also feel like I should have done personality forcing... Or maybe it's really just a reflection of the same [that I don't really force traditionally and instead use these scripts + narration all the time]. Meh, who knows what's going on. Maybe I'm just getting impatient.

True, I guess I need to let go a bit, even though I have been too busy being a faggot and I haven't forced... it's not like 125 days of talking to my head ghost will suddenly vaporize or anything though.

Day 133

---

Total forcing time: 40 minutes.
Replay of yesterday's forcing methods. Relaxation exercise -> self-hypnosis script with vocality script.
Today's session was probably one of the strongest ones so far. At the "hear your tulpa talk from the random surge of thoughts part" I felt between a dream and being awake. I felt so light and relaxed. And I was able to get the closest I ever have been to entering my wonderland. Had a nice chat with the tupper, and I felt that familiar head-pressure again (still feeling it now). Visuals are super wonky, but it doesn't matter. Gotta keep practicing them.
Also, while reading the script I started smiling for no reason, and yeah, I stayed so still that my computer's monitor turned off since it didn't detect anyone even though I was straight in front of it.

After that I found it somewhat difficult to move again. I guess it means I was this time really in some sort of trance. wow
It was awesome. If I can keep this up then I think I'll be making good progress. At least in the relaxation area.
10/10

Wow you really are going to do this daily now amazing.

Visualization is clearly a brain muscle you need to train to be able to lift gud. Also I'd say a tupper's thoughts getting fainter is a good thing, as that allows them to do stuff without you constantly hearing it.

Day 135

---

Total forcing time: 1 hour
Relaxation exercise -> Self-hypnosis thing -> Wonderlandin'
Still not as strong as two days ago, but I did manage to feel a bit more immersed into the whole experience.
Today when I reached the "listen for your tulpa's voice" part on the script I instead enter the wonderland.
Had no idea what to do so I started asking questions to tupper.
Then somehow my tulpa changed the typical wonderland scene (a part of my old house) into a scene inside a Ferris wheel, and also materialized two cookie milkshakes. As usual, I could only somewhat feel the creaminess and a very, veery faint essence of the flavor (better than nothing though).
Then she manipulated the time inside the wonderland, shifting from mid-day to sunset and then to night.

To be honest, while I wanted to be impressed by that, it wasn't that "z0mg so wonder, much tulpa, many amazing" thing that so many people describe... who knows what's up with that.

Visuals are 1/10 still, but kinda usable I suppose. As long as I have some idea of where everything is supposed to go I think that with practice they'll get better.
Intermittent tulpaforcing pressure on right temple. No mindvoice yet.
After that I did felt a bit zoned out. Also, didn't notice the sun rise in the real world.
I do keep feeling doubt though... but every time I ask "is it just me?" I get the response "no". Maybe it will go away if I keep doing this. Maybe.

Don't you live in a third world country? Go down to the corner-store and buy hallucinogenics and do those, report results

>tfw your corner store doesn't carry drugs

Day 136

---

Total forcing time: 1 hour 17 minutes.
Relaxation exercise -> Self-hypnosis script -> Wonderland
Things went pretty well. I was feeling somewhat anxious before getting started (what if I'm not doing X thing right? what if it's just me? all that typical stuff). But as I went through the relaxation exercise, I tried to leave that and just focus on my breath. My mind kept wandering to pointless stuff but it did seem to be somewhat refreshing.

Then the actual forcing. As far as the "imagine yourself relaxing X part, now Y part", that does seem to have an actual, slight but perceptible effect now. I do feel tension easing and overall I find myself somewhat relaxed. So I guess that at least I have obtained the ability to use self-hypnosis to relax.

Then the wonderlanding.
I didn't find my tulpa on the usual place (inside the house). Then I could "feel" (yeah because no mindvoice but I did understood that someone said something) someone saying "over here!". She was on the roof. We started talking there and generally I tried to visualize things from the rooftop. 1.33/10 visuals not really that visual yet, but there's something at least.
Somehow the "talking" topic deviated into "we haven't gone to that Japanese food restaurant", and my tulpa said "that isn't a problem". And there the scene changed to that restaurant we haven't gone to in real life (I wanted to go but I haven't had time/money). "It will be a good visualization exercise for you" she said. Well, I suppose it was. We didn't ate anything though, since we didn't bother to put anyone to serve anything (although it looked like there was food already prepared but nobody took any of it).
It also felt weird to try to visualize every step of walking. Need more practice.

What we "talked" about?
Doubt. On doubt we determined it will probably go away on its own at some point in the future. But if not, probably it won't kill any of us either.
The good old times®. "Was it you who moved my arm while I was somewhat asleep back when I started on tulpamancy?" "Yes, I guess I was still learning how to maneuver myself in the wonderland but I somehow managed to move your arm instead." Nice.
Will we ever make it? "Rest assured we will, you promised to never give up and you have held that promise really well".

Some other stuff but I had to answer some emails before posting this and I have forgotten them.

Light, intermittent tulpaforcing pressures through it. The sunrise was stronger today though, and did bother me and I even lost focus on some occasions.
I have been wanting to add a second forcing session during the day, but I got no idea on where to place it. I'm still busy these days, though not as much as I used to. Oh wait, I have to study for an exam this Sunday. Damn. I guess I should take it easy. Having been able to keep this schedule for five days is already a good record.

But if it had lime, wouldn't it be more of a limeade?