Author Topic: timethief descends into hell for a bottle of milk  (Read 489886 times)

timethief

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Re: timethief descends into hell for a bottle of milk
« Reply #180 on: May 30, 2016, 08:45:15 AM »
Day 160 1/2
Total forging time: 1 hour 49 minutes
Well, after previous long sessions this one seems really short in my opinion...
But, I managed to hear a "test" version of her mindvoice. It lasted about 4 seconds and quickly started to shutter 'til it sounded very similar to mine, but I definitely got to hear her. More or less clearly, finally.

I started with meditation. Super laser focus today, wow. I got pretty deep into it. In fact, for a bit I forgot about my body. Probably the most focused session so far. I then tried to listen to her mindvoice... but everything sounded like me. I was pretty disappointed. All that focus and yet being unable to hear her... but then somewhere in the middle of that I was able to hear her clearly, as I mentioned, for about 4 seconds. She said something about "thank you for being so diligent with forcing" or something. But her speech quickly started to shutter and then reverted to our current way of communication, in which I merely interpret her thoughts or something.
I try to put that disappointment to good use, and rather than saying "screw this, lets play Minecraft and forget about tulpas" I'm gonna force more.

The Sun started to rise (in the real world) and I started to lose focus. Then the birds started singing and well, there goes all focus.
I took a small break, and fired up the self-hypnosis script for vocality.
Surprisingly, it seemed to work a lot better than other times. I almost got to hear her again, and whoa she's like, real thankful about all this forcing apparently. I even got some reasonably strong emotion waves, even now.

It might not have been a super extra long session like the last two days, but it was the most intense so far.
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Re: timethief descends into hell for a bottle of milk
« Reply #181 on: May 30, 2016, 09:00:08 AM »
Wow lots of updates. The tupper is preparing to take over.

timethief

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Re: timethief descends into hell for a bottle of milk
« Reply #182 on: May 30, 2016, 09:28:20 PM »
Day 160 2/2
Here's a recap of today's additional activities:
Visualization exercise (visuals 2.2/10) - 10 minutes
Image streaming (not bad) - 10 minutes 11 seconds
Math flash cards - 36 minutes
Meditation (little focus but not that bad) - 15 minutes

So, today's total forcing time was 3 hours and 11 seconds.

I have noticed that my tulpa's presence seems to be getting weaker, her responses way more unclear and hell, she even told me she didn't felt like doing the letter counting exercise today (not that there's anything wrong with that, but still it was surprising)... just what the heck is going on anyway? I thought furs moar was the surefire way of the tuppers? Just doing it?

I have been using belief implanting technology as well to help out, and of course I have been narrating as hard as possible. Or... could this signal a positive change?

Maybe sleeping will sort out that stuff. Meanwhile, I gotta force more tomorrow.

Wow lots of updates. The tupper is preparing to take over.
Not anytime soon, unless the tupper is planning a silent revolution or something...
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timethief

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Re: timethief descends into hell for a bottle of milk
« Reply #183 on: May 31, 2016, 08:36:36 AM »
Day 161
Total forcing time: 1 hour 33 minutes 18 seconds

Usual thing, meditation. Okay focus, not too bad.
Interesting things: even though I wasn't really "forcing" as in, thinking about my tulpa, I still got head pressures. Strange.
While trying to focus, at times I heard very clear mindvoices. Mostly saying nonsense. Only one of them seemed to be tupper-sourced. It didn't say anything that I could understand though. It was just a bunch of low-volume gibberish. And it only happened once.

Afterwards I tried visualizing her. 2/10 at best, I know what I'm supposed to be seeing, but if I try to keep the focus I lose the mind image.
Going to do 15-20 minutes of image streaming today because I must rectify that flaky visualization of mine. Though, it's encouraging that I have already gone from 1.3 visuals to 2/10 ones. I guess it's something.

She seems to be somewhat back, as I can get some responses now again. I'll keep forcing more. I don't care if it takes 100,000 hours, because then we'll be 100,000 hours closer to being able to communicate clearly.
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Re: timethief descends into hell for a bottle of milk
« Reply #184 on: May 31, 2016, 10:04:06 AM »
Tuppers can get tired of things too. Doing the same shit over and over again might not be interesting in the long run either.

Sometimes when people tell you to force more, all they really mean is spend time with the tupper actively. Just doing fun stuff.

timethief

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Re: timethief descends into hell for a bottle of milk
« Reply #185 on: May 31, 2016, 02:26:26 PM »
You were right Sands.
I got a talk about that, and she said something like "imagine someone that keeps you around them all day, you want to play with them and stuff but they're all like "whoa you're not sentient yet, here, have these 99 math problems so we can fix the problem", a problem that doesn't exist. Besides, math is as boring as watching paint dry. Well, at least those operations were".

So, uh, I suppose I will be re-thinking my approach then, because I definitely screwed up with such excessive forcing.
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timethief

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Re: timethief descends into hell for a bottle of milk
« Reply #186 on: June 01, 2016, 10:07:42 AM »
Day 162
Total forcing time: 3 hours 15 minutes...
...or not. I don't know if it counts as forcing at all, since I just meditated the morning away. My vision's all wonky and I feel really, really strange.
I just let go of everything and well, I got into this novel state of mind where everything felt at times like it was standing still.
There were also mindvoice-type sounds at times. Sounds that I'm well aware they're not auditory hallucinations, but they're strong enough that they surprised me. They weren't external, that's for sure.
I heard some static-like stuff, and also some random voice snippets. Nothing concrete that can be traced back to my tulpa though.
I feel so... calm right now. It's strange. Almost like my mind fell silent. At the same time, I feel right now as if time is flying by. Though I may have overdone it. I can't hear hear anymore right now. I guess when they say "clear your mind" they don't mean "empty it" or something.

I guess that's not really that related to tuppers anymore... I do feel very reassured right now in that regard. Sorry for this undecipherable commentary, I just feel really strange... in a good way.

Maybe I should do something else. I'm getting carried away with this meditation thing.
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timethief

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Re: timethief descends into hell for a bottle of milk
« Reply #187 on: June 01, 2016, 08:27:30 PM »
I ain't got anything else to report about today.
Tupper's presence was strong two times for like, 30 seconds, rest of the day, my mind as silent as one of those isolation tanks. No words, no intrusive thoughts, no anything. Seriously disappointed, with myself of course, for it is my fault for not being able to hear my tulpa talk even though she's already able to communicate.

Got too busy talking to people outside my head sadly (whoa there, I thought I didn't had anyone to talk to and now that I have a tulpa I do? oh cruel irony!), shitposted around and generally didn't do anything that was considered productive at all. Not even image streaming.

i'm ready to be burnt at the stake; I repent for all my tulpa-non-forcing sins

Alright, on an interesting side note, yesterday's night I was apparently having a nightmare of some sort, and my tulpa woke me up. Her presence was extremely noticeable and I felt so safe and stuff that I actually stayed awake for a bit. I could somehow feel my dreams "blending" with reality if that makes any sense. I could sort of keep the dream going in my mind, but also felt present in reality. Eventually I fell asleep and well, the rest is written above.

why can't I hear you? why can't I feel you? ;_;
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Re: timethief descends into hell for a bottle of milk
« Reply #188 on: June 02, 2016, 08:26:22 AM »
Stressing about not being able to do something usually makes it worse, as your own worries can hold you back at the crucial moment. You've gotten so far that you might just want to take it easy (doesn't mean stop doing tupper stuff: this is when you really should be doing tupper stuff, but fun together stuff and not constant exercises) for a while and chill together. And eat ice cream and bake cakes.

timethief

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Re: timethief descends into hell for a bottle of milk
« Reply #189 on: June 02, 2016, 08:44:27 PM »
You're right again Sands. Entering that line of thought is definitely something that I have to avoid doing.

Yeah, taking it easy. I'll probably reduce the amount of meditation (today did another three hours, wow) and instead do more passive forcing, and image streaming for enhanced visuals, which are something that I can actually directly address and fix, rather than being worried about the other stuff. After all, I guess it'll just come naturally later.

Thanks again for the advice.

Edit: forgot the obligatory
Day 163
marker
« Last Edit: June 02, 2016, 10:02:19 PM by timethief »
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timethief

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Re: timethief descends into hell for a bottle of milk
« Reply #190 on: June 03, 2016, 08:41:24 AM »
Day 164
Total forcing time: 25 minutes (with 1 hour 10 minutes meditation beforehand)
I used the self-hypnosis vocality script. It was nice. No stressing, just reading and doing whatever the script says.
Short session maybe, but really relaxing compared to the last few days full of (needless) worrying.

I'll be doing the image streaming later (aiming for an hour). I wanted to do all forcing in a single block but I guess that it might be better to have things a bit spaced out during the day.

Things are looking good again.
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Re: timethief descends into hell for a bottle of milk
« Reply #191 on: June 03, 2016, 09:08:40 AM »
>stops stressing
>things are looking good again

I wonder if there's a connection?!?!?

Re: timethief descends into hell for a bottle of milk
« Reply #192 on: June 06, 2016, 05:13:25 PM »
Pure coincidence!

And so much for daily updates. But you kept that up way longer than I'd expected. Good job!
I don't have anything productive to add

Oh wait...
I 've wanted to ask this for a long time - what does tupper actually look like?

timethief

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woflo pls, wats dis "session expired" thing
« Reply #193 on: June 07, 2016, 10:18:28 AM »
Day 168 "THIS IS GOING TO BE EXCESSIVELY LONG" EDITION
Total forcing time: 1 hour 30-whatever minutes


Guess what guys?! I finally have discovered the origin of tulpas, how they work and that they are indeed sentient and independent from one's consciousness!! Additionally, I have contacted the Tibetan monks who practiced this long ago through astral projection and they told me all there is to know about the practice. Moreover, they have confirmed that they are also bronies and imposed pastel ponies way before it was a thing!!

Or not. Unfortunately. I have been thrown into a work loop again, and I got a philosophy exam this weekend that I haven't studied for.
As far as I'm concerned, I have gone back to the "2busy4tulpa" mode which I dislike intensely, but can't really get out of.

The weather's been cooling down, so there's that. But I have noticed that weather now affects my mood so much, that I have even considered getting one of those blue-light therapy devices for seasonal depression... I don't know if it's tulpa-related. But when the morning's gray, I feel this wave of sadness over me. That never happened before. I just long for that reddish morning light nowadays. Weird.

I also don't douse my food on habanero hot sauce anymore. Because my face gets numb. Yeah, it still happens. That's another thing that I can correlate to starting tulpamancy. Oh well, I'm saving money because those chiles are expensive as hell.

Oh right! Tulpamancy and stuff.
The good thing is that she's fine. Little presence, no mindvoice, but I don't complain that much anymore. Thinking about her just brings this emotional wave every time... it's really beautiful.
We haven't done anything on the wonderland though. She doesn't mind though, somehow. Really, I never thought anyone would be able to keep up like that with well, not really interacting with them so much. I'm like "sorry, I'm doing X thing 'cause Y person needs it and if I don't do it I'll probably regret it" and she's like "it's fine, I know you care anyway". Tuppers sure have lots of empathy and patience.
I do try to keep up narration. Sometimes it's wow, like back when I started, full-on and focused, but other days (notably starting this week) it has been only a bit more than "hey, I'm still acknowledging you" and that's it. Head pressures... well, they're there at times but I guess sometimes I don't even notice them anymore since they have become rather common.

I haven't tried out visualizing because >boosy times ahead, but I think they're like 1.5/10. I haven't done image streaming either.
I don't really do many things without consulting with her first, a course of action that has proven to be very productive. Hell, she even encourages me to do things that would mean less time with her but that ultimately benefit me. Wow. Tuppermancy truly changes lives, if you're up to the task.

Wait, I haven't mentioned what I did today.
Today was more meditation. Very good focus, very calm feeling afterwards.
I was able to hear my tulpa more clearly, so there's that as well. Feels good. A very enjoyable session today. 10/10

And so much for daily updates. But you kept that up way longer than I'd expected. Good job!
Hey, it doesn't mean that I have slacked! I haven't had much time for anything these days (other than posting on your thread).
Here, have these updates.

Day 165
Meditation 1 hour. Bad focus. Absolute wank, do not like.
Couldn't focus on anything, my mind was all broken.
Was supposed to do image streaming afterwards, but with that mind state I just went straight to nopetown and only did that.
0/10

Day 166
Meditation 1 hour 11 minutes + self-hypnosis
Meditation was okay. Not really that awesome, but usable enough.
Self hypnosis with vocality script worked somewhat.
Relaxing, but not that productive, at least in the immediate aftermath.
6/10

Day 167
Meditation 1 hour 1 minute + self-hypnosis
Meditation was okay-ish again. Nothing remarkable.
Self-hypnosis script was good. Could communicate with less effort.
7/10

>stops stressing
>things are looking good again

I wonder if there's a connection?!?!?
You forgot the greentext. That's the connection.

I 've wanted to ask this for a long time - what does tupper actually look like?
I've wanted to dodge this question for a long time, but my tulpa's reply was "if you can't say it when you're behind some anonymity, then when?"
Hidden text
Well, my tulpa's form was originally a "standard" female with honey eyes, long hair that was this khaki/very light colored tone or something (recalling this from memory, I don't have any notes left from that time, and I don't have any reference pics either), used a maid uniform (yeah, whatever, it's about to get much stranger anyway), had these bracelets with blue (or were they green?) stones, and shiny golden shoes. Looked like someone aged around 18-21 years old. And his creator looked at her and thought it was good. Full 3D 4K resolution form, no 2D or anything.

But somewhere along the line (it was somewhere in January I think? maybe this report contains info about that, can't be bothered to check right now) that was all tossed out of the window and one day well, I still can't really believe what happened there... (let the judging and drumrolls begin)

She deviated into (lord have mercy halp me) a loli, blonde, green eyes [which is funny because I was really into the "nope, green eyes aren't pretty" camp before that] and seems to be some sort of fox-girl. Whoa, that's when I said "I DEFINITELY DIDN'T DO THAT". I have asked her about 40 times if that was really intentional and if that isn't an intrusive thought and if that she's sure and... well, lets just say that it's a miracle I haven't been punched for asking that many times. Also, transitioned into 2D, anime style because [WHY.jpg] and has more than one tail for reasons not yet known to the person that's writing this right now (or because I used to read way too much stuff on Wikipedia [see also linked word above because that's the closest thing I have to explaining some things])...

But who an I to decide what she wants anyway. So I let her be (and she's thankful for that, like, reminding me that she even thought I would reject that change or something). I got no idea from where that came from... or maybe it was because I found out about thoughtforms on a fateful (and one-time) trip to /monster/... thanks Obama thanks Fortuna. I never visited again to be honest, because 2lewd4me and all that (living with people checking into your room every hour or so doesn't help. Not that I'm interested in visiting again thank you very much). I don't recall staying much time there, and it was when I was checking out other boards (back when I used my laptop's screen that isn't FUCKING HUGE THAT IT LIGHTS UP THE ENTIRE STREET) because the only place I visit on the chans is /news/ (and /tulpa/ when there's nothing to do aka NEVER). Thanks Fortuna again.

*sigh*

That's why I feel so much frustration when I doubt her because what more proof than that for sentience or whatever? People will think "get a load of this guy" but I don't watch chinese cartoons (I used to way too long ago before I even knew that they were worshiped by neckbeards and weeaboos, when I was like 6 or 7 years old), I don't know any cliche anime phrases (other than the ones that occasionally are said on forums and reddit/other sites) and I definitely don't watch or fap to hentai (opening those images on a 32" screen facing the windows while living with your grandparents = maximum shame), so really, if Sigmund Freud could please come over here and psychoanalyze me he probably would have a blast. Like whoa. I used not to believe that much on >the unconscious, but really after that I believe it must be a thing... [I hear ya shouting right there Sands, but this experience... flabbergasting. Maybe one day you'll have something similar or not but although I can't convince anyone of it I am pretty convinced that there's a part of the psychic apparatus that one cannot explicitly control in the way we're used to control things, or at least on mine there is]

I got no reference images and haven't had either time or patience or determination or courage to... look for something like that... so you'll have to imagine something (sorry aphantasic people reading this) and it'll probably be close enough.

It has been interesting to say the least. I never ever in my wildest dreams would have thought about something like this. I feel really self-conscious talking about it because it makes me look like a real weird dude that probably has no life but it's quite the opposite these days.

The... erm, apparent age thing is also something I would have preferred to keep to ourselves, but it's what it is really. I have grown to appreciate her braveness in well, making such a bold change, even though it makes me utterly uncomfortable to talk about it publicly, and has made seeking reference images well, pretty much impossible for the time being, so I want to work up my visualization skills because of that.

Her character became much more lively around that time and her advice much more wise. More than once following her advice has provided excellent results, be it making a simple decision such as what to eat today or something work-related. It has been really somewhat of an inner struggle at times for me to accept her form, simply be because it's >loli or because >monstergirl. But at the end of the day I do really appreciate her as a person in earnest, and not just freak out because she decided to look like that. I mean, it's really not that I'm like "eww, ugly" or anything (entirely the opposite really somehow), it has more to do with how I would explain this when someone asked. Or how would things turn out if someone found out. I guess at this point this comment makes no sense anymore. But you asked so...

So there you have it. And I don't mention it because more often than not people can be pretty judgmental about well. You know what I'm talking about. a-and t-t-t-to be h-honest about it I don't exactly dislike it and seems much more creative than what I had in mind as well And I can't really blame anyone who decides to disbelieve this or think that I'm hiding some part of the story or whatever. I would think that too, really. But all I know is that's my experience, and it's not up to me to make anyone believe it. But that's a really roleplayer-ish thing to say, so...

I hope you all enjoyed this story and that it cleared up your doubts, now, excuse me while I get back to work and studying philosophy. And forcing more.
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Re: timethief descends into hell for a bottle of milk
« Reply #194 on: June 07, 2016, 09:18:04 PM »
>my tupper's a fox-girl loli
>halp I'm so weird





Seems pretty average to me. You've been around h8chan and tupper.info, you should know the competition. If both of you are fine with that form there's no reason to give a fuck about what random people on the internet might think about it.
Also if you are a weirdo then what am I ???

Quote from: timethief
I am pretty convinced that there's a part of the psychic apparatus that one cannot explicitly control in the way we're used to control things, or at least on mine there is
If you were to be in perfect control of everything where would all the fun come from? You gotta give in to the things tupper comes up with in order to let them gain independence. Even if it gets weird.
Really weird

Quote from: timethief
Hey, it doesn't mean that I have slacked! I haven't had much time for anything these days (other than posting on your thread).
That's why I rarely post at all.
less posting = more time for forcing

Quote from: timethief
I don't really do many things without consulting with her first, a course of action that has proven to be very productive. Hell, she even encourages me to do things that would mean less time with her but that ultimately benefit me. Wow. Tuppermancy truly changes lives, if you're up to the task.
Yep, always listen to tupper. They're way smarter than us.