Tulpas > Tulpa Diaries

timethief descends into hell for a bottle of milk

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timethief:
Day 164Total forcing time: 25 minutes (with 1 hour 10 minutes meditation beforehand)
I used the self-hypnosis vocality script. It was nice. No stressing, just reading and doing whatever the script says.
Short session maybe, but really relaxing compared to the last few days full of (needless) worrying.

I'll be doing the image streaming later (aiming for an hour). I wanted to do all forcing in a single block but I guess that it might be better to have things a bit spaced out during the day.

Things are looking good again.

Sands:
>stops stressing
>things are looking good again

I wonder if there's a connection?!?!?

Bernd:
Pure coincidence!

And so much for daily updates. But you kept that up way longer than I'd expected. Good job!
I don't have anything productive to add

Oh wait...
I 've wanted to ask this for a long time - what does tupper actually look like?

timethief:
Day 168 "THIS IS GOING TO BE EXCESSIVELY LONG" EDITIONTotal forcing time: 1 hour 30-whatever minutes


Guess what guys?! I finally have discovered the origin of tulpas, how they work and that they are indeed sentient and independent from one's consciousness!! Additionally, I have contacted the Tibetan monks who practiced this long ago through astral projection and they told me all there is to know about the practice. Moreover, they have confirmed that they are also bronies and imposed pastel ponies way before it was a thing!!

Or not. Unfortunately. I have been thrown into a work loop again, and I got a philosophy exam this weekend that I haven't studied for.
As far as I'm concerned, I have gone back to the "2busy4tulpa" mode which I dislike intensely, but can't really get out of.

The weather's been cooling down, so there's that. But I have noticed that weather now affects my mood so much, that I have even considered getting one of those blue-light therapy devices for seasonal depression... I don't know if it's tulpa-related. But when the morning's gray, I feel this wave of sadness over me. That never happened before. I just long for that reddish morning light nowadays. Weird.

I also don't douse my food on habanero hot sauce anymore. Because my face gets numb. Yeah, it still happens. That's another thing that I can correlate to starting tulpamancy. Oh well, I'm saving money because those chiles are expensive as hell.

Oh right! Tulpamancy and stuff.
The good thing is that she's fine. Little presence, no mindvoice, but I don't complain that much anymore. Thinking about her just brings this emotional wave every time... it's really beautiful.
We haven't done anything on the wonderland though. She doesn't mind though, somehow. Really, I never thought anyone would be able to keep up like that with well, not really interacting with them so much. I'm like "sorry, I'm doing X thing 'cause Y person needs it and if I don't do it I'll probably regret it" and she's like "it's fine, I know you care anyway". Tuppers sure have lots of empathy and patience.
I do try to keep up narration. Sometimes it's wow, like back when I started, full-on and focused, but other days (notably starting this week) it has been only a bit more than "hey, I'm still acknowledging you" and that's it. Head pressures... well, they're there at times but I guess sometimes I don't even notice them anymore since they have become rather common.

I haven't tried out visualizing because >boosy times ahead, but I think they're like 1.5/10. I haven't done image streaming either.
I don't really do many things without consulting with her first, a course of action that has proven to be very productive. Hell, she even encourages me to do things that would mean less time with her but that ultimately benefit me. Wow. Tuppermancy truly changes lives, if you're up to the task.

Wait, I haven't mentioned what I did today.
Today was more meditation. Very good focus, very calm feeling afterwards.
I was able to hear my tulpa more clearly, so there's that as well. Feels good. A very enjoyable session today. 10/10


--- Quote from: Bernd on June 06, 2016, 05:13:25 PM ---And so much for daily updates. But you kept that up way longer than I'd expected. Good job!

--- End quote ---
Hey, it doesn't mean that I have slacked! I haven't had much time for anything these days (other than posting on your thread).
Here, have these updates.

Day 165
Meditation 1 hour. Bad focus. Absolute wank, do not like.
Couldn't focus on anything, my mind was all broken.
Was supposed to do image streaming afterwards, but with that mind state I just went straight to nopetown and only did that.
0/10

Day 166
Meditation 1 hour 11 minutes + self-hypnosis
Meditation was okay. Not really that awesome, but usable enough.
Self hypnosis with vocality script worked somewhat.
Relaxing, but not that productive, at least in the immediate aftermath.
6/10

Day 167
Meditation 1 hour 1 minute + self-hypnosis
Meditation was okay-ish again. Nothing remarkable.
Self-hypnosis script was good. Could communicate with less effort.
7/10


--- Quote from: Sands on June 03, 2016, 09:08:40 AM --->stops stressing
>things are looking good again

I wonder if there's a connection?!?!?

--- End quote ---
You forgot the greentext. That's the connection.


--- Quote from: Bernd on June 06, 2016, 05:13:25 PM ---I 've wanted to ask this for a long time - what does tupper actually look like?

--- End quote ---
I've wanted to dodge this question for a long time, but my tulpa's reply was "if you can't say it when you're behind some anonymity, then when?"
Hidden textWell, my tulpa's form was originally a "standard" female with honey eyes, long hair that was this khaki/very light colored tone or something (recalling this from memory, I don't have any notes left from that time, and I don't have any reference pics either), used a maid uniform (yeah, whatever, it's about to get much stranger anyway), had these bracelets with blue (or were they green?) stones, and shiny golden shoes. Looked like someone aged around 18-21 years old. And his creator looked at her and thought it was good. Full 3D 4K resolution form, no 2D or anything.

But somewhere along the line (it was somewhere in January I think? maybe this report contains info about that, can't be bothered to check right now) that was all tossed out of the window and one day well, I still can't really believe what happened there... (let the judging and drumrolls begin)

She deviated into (lord have mercy halp me) a loli, blonde, green eyes [which is funny because I was really into the "nope, green eyes aren't pretty" camp before that] and seems to be some sort of fox-girl. Whoa, that's when I said "I DEFINITELY DIDN'T DO THAT". I have asked her about 40 times if that was really intentional and if that isn't an intrusive thought and if that she's sure and... well, lets just say that it's a miracle I haven't been punched for asking that many times. Also, transitioned into 2D, anime style because [WHY.jpg] and has more than one tail for reasons not yet known to the person that's writing this right now (or because I used to read way too much stuff on Wikipedia [see also linked word above because that's the closest thing I have to explaining some things])...

But who an I to decide what she wants anyway. So I let her be (and she's thankful for that, like, reminding me that she even thought I would reject that change or something). I got no idea from where that came from... or maybe it was because I found out about thoughtforms on a fateful (and one-time) trip to /monster/... thanks Obama thanks Fortuna. I never visited again to be honest, because 2lewd4me and all that (living with people checking into your room every hour or so doesn't help. Not that I'm interested in visiting again thank you very much). I don't recall staying much time there, and it was when I was checking out other boards (back when I used my laptop's screen that isn't FUCKING HUGE THAT IT LIGHTS UP THE ENTIRE STREET) because the only place I visit on the chans is /news/ (and /tulpa/ when there's nothing to do aka NEVER). Thanks Fortuna again.

*sigh*

That's why I feel so much frustration when I doubt her because what more proof than that for sentience or whatever? People will think "get a load of this guy" but I don't watch chinese cartoons (I used to way too long ago before I even knew that they were worshiped by neckbeards and weeaboos, when I was like 6 or 7 years old), I don't know any cliche anime phrases (other than the ones that occasionally are said on forums and reddit/other sites) and I definitely don't watch or fap to hentai (opening those images on a 32" screen facing the windows while living with your grandparents = maximum shame), so really, if Sigmund Freud could please come over here and psychoanalyze me he probably would have a blast. Like whoa. I used not to believe that much on >the unconscious, but really after that I believe it must be a thing... [I hear ya shouting right there Sands, but this experience... flabbergasting. Maybe one day you'll have something similar or not but although I can't convince anyone of it I am pretty convinced that there's a part of the psychic apparatus that one cannot explicitly control in the way we're used to control things, or at least on mine there is]

I got no reference images and haven't had either time or patience or determination or courage to... look for something like that... so you'll have to imagine something (sorry aphantasic people reading this) and it'll probably be close enough.

It has been interesting to say the least. I never ever in my wildest dreams would have thought about something like this. I feel really self-conscious talking about it because it makes me look like a real weird dude that probably has no life but it's quite the opposite these days.

The... erm, apparent age thing is also something I would have preferred to keep to ourselves, but it's what it is really. I have grown to appreciate her braveness in well, making such a bold change, even though it makes me utterly uncomfortable to talk about it publicly, and has made seeking reference images well, pretty much impossible for the time being, so I want to work up my visualization skills because of that.

Her character became much more lively around that time and her advice much more wise. More than once following her advice has provided excellent results, be it making a simple decision such as what to eat today or something work-related. It has been really somewhat of an inner struggle at times for me to accept her form, simply be because it's >loli or because >monstergirl. But at the end of the day I do really appreciate her as a person in earnest, and not just freak out because she decided to look like that. I mean, it's really not that I'm like "eww, ugly" or anything (entirely the opposite really somehow), it has more to do with how I would explain this when someone asked. Or how would things turn out if someone found out. I guess at this point this comment makes no sense anymore. But you asked so...

So there you have it. And I don't mention it because more often than not people can be pretty judgmental about well. You know what I'm talking about. a-and t-t-t-to be h-honest about it I don't exactly dislike it and seems much more creative than what I had in mind as well And I can't really blame anyone who decides to disbelieve this or think that I'm hiding some part of the story or whatever. I would think that too, really. But all I know is that's my experience, and it's not up to me to make anyone believe it. But that's a really roleplayer-ish thing to say, so...

I hope you all enjoyed this story and that it cleared up your doubts, now, excuse me while I get back to work and studying philosophy. And forcing more.
Don't forget to rate and subscribe.

Bernd:
>my tupper's a fox-girl loli
>halp I'm so weird





Seems pretty average to me. You've been around h8chan and tupper.info, you should know the competition. If both of you are fine with that form there's no reason to give a fuck about what random people on the internet might think about it.
Also if you are a weirdo then what am I ???


--- Quote from: timethief ---I am pretty convinced that there's a part of the psychic apparatus that one cannot explicitly control in the way we're used to control things, or at least on mine there is
--- End quote ---
If you were to be in perfect control of everything where would all the fun come from? You gotta give in to the things tupper comes up with in order to let them gain independence. Even if it gets weird.
Really weird


--- Quote from: timethief ---Hey, it doesn't mean that I have slacked! I haven't had much time for anything these days (other than posting on your thread).
--- End quote ---
That's why I rarely post at all.
less posting = more time for forcing


--- Quote from: timethief ---I don't really do many things without consulting with her first, a course of action that has proven to be very productive. Hell, she even encourages me to do things that would mean less time with her but that ultimately benefit me. Wow. Tuppermancy truly changes lives, if you're up to the task.
--- End quote ---
Yep, always listen to tupper. They're way smarter than us.

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