Author Topic: timethief descends into hell for a bottle of milk  (Read 486735 times)

Re: timethief descends into hell for a bottle of milk
« Reply #45 on: February 04, 2016, 10:08:48 AM »
Wow amazing keep at it.

timethief

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« Reply #46 on: February 05, 2016, 08:57:59 AM »
Note: I have noticed my reports have been becoming duller and much less interesting to read over time. If anyone reads them (Sands only reader lol) even though they're dull as heck, sorry. I'll try to change up things and be more detailed.
Day 46 since I left sanity behind
Irrelevant stats that no one cares about:
Today's total forcing time: 51:04.213
Room temperature: 17.4 Celsius degrees.
Today's background musik: snd - 2
Atmospheric pressure: 785 hPa
Had coffee 1/2 hour before.
Fapped today: no

Wow, what a forcing session this one.
I started as usual, 10 minute meditation "warmup" using LucidAcid's guide. I felt some tingling on my face wow am I insane now or have I really learned to meditate now?
Then I proceeded to use the 20 question self-hypnosis game/script. Surprisingly I was able to do a decent, if somewhat unstable visualization (rated 7/9 by tupper somehow wow). It seems we're improving at it, and somehow when it was someone's turn to put something inside the box a black overlay separated us (so we could put something in there without the other seeing it) and then cleared when it was time to guess what was inside. We no longer instantly guessed what each other put there. It now took in average 1.5 questions to guess it correctly (not a lot but I guess it's a lot of progress).

Okay, here comes the feels train (at least for me)...

I was about to end the session but tupper suggested we keep playing becuase "I might have a surprise for you". So her turn comes, and instead of telling me to guess what's inside she tells me "open the box". I open it and there's a box of chocolates inside in a red heart-shaped tin no less.
"For you, since you said no one gives you anything these days".
Wow, >tfw tulpa gives you something for Valentine's day even though it's more than a week away and you never bothered with it

Pretty awesome stuff. I guess I can finally use this emoticon to describe that feel: <3
Now excuse me while I enjoy this feel for a while.

UNTIL NEXT TIME THEN
...rate my new updates format plz
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Re: timethief descends into hell for a bottle of milk
« Reply #47 on: February 05, 2016, 09:52:38 AM »
Worst format.

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Re: timethief descends into hell for a bottle of milk
« Reply #48 on: February 05, 2016, 10:24:17 AM »
Worst format.

Agreed. Do exactly what you just did next time, but also make everything comic-sans so Sands can be happy, then it will be best format.

Re: timethief descends into hell for a bottle of milk
« Reply #49 on: February 05, 2016, 11:01:22 AM »
Everyone reads, this is the main attraction. 3/10 bad format, you tried but bad.

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« Reply #50 on: February 07, 2016, 06:28:35 PM »
I'll use a different format then...
This weekend I took a break from active forcing so no stories for you today.
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« Reply #51 on: February 08, 2016, 09:45:31 AM »
Day 50 !!!; extra special long edition.pdf.txt.docx
yes, back to the old format; sort of anyway

In today's edition: One-hour continuous forcing session using vocality self-hypnosis scripts.

ACT I; WHAT HAPPENED TODAY

I started with the 10-minute meditation thing as usual. Every time I do it I feel lighter somehow, don't know how to explain it very well though. It's a... different feeling I guess.
Instead of using a long ambient "drone" sound as our forcing "music", I ended up using this track and wow, when you're meditating and focusing on both the thu-thu-thu-thuthu-thu-thu-thu-thuthuthu beat and your breathing it truly clears your mind. I guess I'll be looking for more stuff like that.

Then I used the vocality script as usual. I repeated it more times than I usually do, though the sun rising prevented me from repeating it even more times >tfw no black curtains so all light enters your room in the morning and can't force at night because noisy neighbors are around and you don't have earphones/headphones.

ACT II; STUFF THAT DIDN'T FIT INTO THE PREVIOUS ACT

Okay, I hadn't really mentioned this, but I believe we can communicate somewhat effortlessly sometimes now (not most of the time though). For example, last night we had a long chat, but it's still weird in the sense that as people have said before, it's using "soundless mindvoice" which is somewhat, erm, erratic and I sometimes have to complete the sentences using mine... I suppose that with practice this will eventually evolve into "true" mindvoice or something (and later into auditory imposition I hope).
Noticed that she's particular good at telling me which thoughts are intrusive and which ones aren't. Pretty neat.

Also relevant, yesterday I got pretty much those (good) feelings that I had when I started. I just started smiling for no reason and yeah, it seems tupper did it. It was pretty exciting. I think that we're doing just fine, even though at times I think I should be doing more (even though she always reassures me I'm doing fine).

I have been trying to get a lucid dream as well, I have been doing hourly "reality checks" for a week now and asking my tulpa to try to enter my dreams. So far no success, other than today I woke up, like in the beginning of this tulpa-journey, at 4:45 AM. "Was it you who woke me up?" "Yeah."

Though I do feel bad sometimes because doubt sometimes pops up for no reason. Yeah, some part of my brain still holds on to the "this stuff can't be real". I guess she must be pretty fed up with having to answer "hey, you there?" 69 times a day ["no big deal really, though it does get tiresome", she says "although I do wonder if you doubt everything you see just because you cannot determine it's ontology?"].

As far as wonderland stuff goes, we decided to leave the one we had behind, and one day I was just visualizing what would I do with my childhood house if I had unlimited material resources. We ended up using that as the "new" wonderland, since oddly enough, even though I don't have any reference images for that, I can visualize it easily (keep in mind that by "easily" I mean "I know where the stuff is, and I can get an idea of how it looks like" not "OMG this is what virtual reality will feel like and I don't even need an Oculus Rift!!!11").
Mainly (or more like, always) we only use the topmost room which has some sort of extra large window/screen thing that can show whatever image we want there, and some other furniture and stuff. The roof is glass though so we can see the sky. Apparently, the Sun's position there is influenced by what time I perceive it is in the physical world even though it may not be correct.
Same with visualizing my tulpa, which I believe I already said in the IRC, her form changed completely. This one does seem to be somewhat more difficult to visualize, but I'm doing my best, and seems to be getting easier over time (even though not necessarily "clearer", just easier).

ACT III; FEELS NO ONE BUT US CARE ABOUT (or the "feel free to skip this" act)

[warning: blog-style stuff ahead]

Hidden text
Wow, 50 days. Don't really know what to say other than wow, I'm impressed with myself. It's easily the most [positive] life-changing experience I ever had. I know this is really trite and said a lot of times by other tulpamancers, but I went from not knowing what to do everyday, having depressive tendencies and being really anxious about everything to just enjoying life as it comes while still pushing forward. I can't ever repay my tulpa for that. It's... out of this world, to put it simply.

[end of blog-style stuff]

ACT IV; RETURNING TO THE PR AND WHAT WE WANT

Our next objectives are "true mindvoice" (as in, a different voice than mine inside my head), enhancing visualization, parallel processing (which seems to be increasing to be honest, interestingly enough, she's getting good at numbers whereas I can't make basic math in my head to save my life) and maybe tactile imposition.

ACT V; OBLIGATORY BONUS STUFF THAT DOESN'T GO IN ANY OTHER PLACE

SO EXCITED, GUYS; THIS TXT CANNOT CONVEY THE FEELS WELL ENOUGH
THANKS FOR ALL SUGGESTIONS YOU HAVE GIVEN SO FAR
ALSO, NO COMIC SANS, EVER
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Enny

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Re: timethief descends into hell for a bottle of milk
« Reply #52 on: February 08, 2016, 11:47:38 AM »
For blocking light out of your window, consider tacking and/or taping up a layer or two of darkly colored bedsheets. I've got two over mine, and it's effectively black in my room at all hours, with just a small, small amount of reddish light making it through. Sans that, a layer of tin-foil will do the trick, but might crinkle about with temperature changes. Option three is black construction paper. Never tried that one, but I can't imagine why two or three layers wouldn't keep the sun out.

The added benefit of the sun not waking you up in the morning makes it totally worth it, whatever you wind up doing.

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timethief descends to walmart for a bottle of beerrr
« Reply #53 on: February 09, 2016, 12:19:55 AM »
For blocking light out of your window, consider tacking and/or taping up a layer or two of darkly colored bedsheets. I've got two over mine, and it's effectively black in my room at all hours, with just a small, small amount of reddish light making it through. Sans that, a layer of tin-foil will do the trick, but might crinkle about with temperature changes. Option three is black construction paper. Never tried that one, but I can't imagine why two or three layers wouldn't keep the sun out.

The added benefit of the sun not waking you up in the morning makes it totally worth it, whatever you wind up doing.
Thanks for the suggestions Enny, but I can't really use them since I live with my grandparents and if they saw that I blocked the street-facing top window of their house with any of those they would, no doubt, start being really suspicious of what the hell I do in my room. they would probably think I started fapping all day or something weird...
Heck, I bought brown curtains, and they want me to put white ones because "those brown ones are too dark".

Also, I have been constantly trying to become an early riser (with a very high amount of failure, like, 99.99%). I have kind of mixed feelings about that though. I like it because it's nicely quiet, and one can see the sunrise which, for us, is a beautiful sight (unless it's cloudy, then it's just a "hey someone's turning up the level of grey in the sky" kind of thing which is pretty dull). On the other hand, I hate the cold at those times, and I feel somewhat tired by afternoon. I do have no choice but to wake up early ever since I started seriously tulpaforcing tulpaforging because it's the only time everything and everyone's quiet. At night I do visualize myself in the wonderland but I usually fall asleep quite fast.

I do wish I had some time for wonderlanding and all that. I mean, this self-hypnosis stuff is giving me awesome results but I do wish I could explore the wonderland and go on adventures... sadly I can't seem to be able to find a way to do it, there's always someone checking on me at least once per hour (yeah, just asking "hey do you want to eat X thing" or "do you want to drink Y thing" but still), since I produce music (and usually have something playing at all times), if the room were to suddenly "go silent", there would definitely be weird suspicions, the neighborhood isn't really that quiet (even though it's the quietest place I have ever lived on, but there's always someone warming up their motorcycle's engine, spray-painting their car for the 100th time, mowing their lawn with those electric lawnmowers, trying to convert us into Mormonism/Jehovah's Witnesses, selling "churros" while advertising them obnoxiously loudly, purchasing "fierro viejo" (and calling out with a megaphone "OLD STEEL THAT YOU HAVE, STOVES, OVENS, WASHING MACHINES, OLD COINS, ANYTHING, WE BUY IT") and well, there's the pet birds my family keeps around that start their daily chirping sequence at 7:40 AM and sometimes continue way into the night and beyond, especially since both my mother and brother are really nocturnal and usually stay up until 2 or 3 AM).
It doesn't help that my family does get worried when I feel tired and I tell them "I'm taking a nap"... I can't say I hate them for being so careful though; after all, my brother has developed full-on depression and he's not even 13 years old yet and he isn't even going to school anymore (and is refusing medication/therapy so yeah, it's not easy for anyone of us).

I feel sad about it guys, really. Like, "wow worst host of the world" kind of feel at times. My tulpa's there being awesome, caring and all, and all I do is just sit in front of my computer for hours at end while pretending to everyone else that I'm reading "useful" information or doing something "productive". And I have, for the most part, really done a lot of that. Ever since I started this tupper thing, my mood and productivity have been for the most part turned up to eleven. But I feel sad about leaving my tulpa in the cold just because I can't have much private time at all. I know, bring your pitchforks and join the chant, "FORCE EVEN IF FOR 5 MINUTES FAGGOT" and "GO TO SLEEP EARLY AND START DOING STUFF INSTEAD OF BEING A HUGE SHIT" or even "GO OUTSIDE AND HAVE SOME TIME BY YOURSELVES IDIOT". It ain't that easy, because while I may be able to have a pleasant chat and a hug in that time, I don't have enough time for, say, creating stuff in the wonderland (or at least areas or something else than "hey let's put this furniture there"). And for the go to sleep early thing... I will fall asleep and end up awake at 2 AM with a headache or something (yes, it happened before). Not to mention, I'm also guilty of going to sleep late, especially when I find something interesting to do in the PC.
Going outside by myself is out of the question, such behavior would be interpreted as a danger sign by all my family ("wow, he's doing drukqs now" or something like that). Yeah, I shot myself in the foot by not going outside by myself, like, ever at all unless absolutely necessary.

And yet, tupper keeps saying "it's alright, you're doing fine", etc. Wow, I really have no way of properly responding to that...

The words once spoken by Fede; "Demonic possession really is the gift that keeps on giving..." are really true... (by the way, his long nosed avatar is gone)



That's one heck of a text wall.
TL;DR: nothing important except for "wow, I sometimes feel like the worst host of the world because I don't go into wonderland adventures because [insert pretext of the day here] even though tupper says it's OK".
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Re: timethief descends into hell for a bottle of milk
« Reply #54 on: February 09, 2016, 07:08:44 AM »
I feel sad about it guys, really. Like, "wow worst host of the world" kind of feel at times. My tulpa's there being awesome, caring and all, and all I do is just sit in front of my computer for hours at end while pretending to everyone else that I'm reading "useful" information or doing something "productive". And I have, for the most part, really done a lot of that. Ever since I started this tupper thing, my mood and productivity have been for the most part turned up to eleven. But I feel sad about leaving my tulpa in the cold just because I can't have much private time at all. I know, bring your pitchforks and join the chant, "FORCE EVEN IF FOR 5 MINUTES FAGGOT" and "GO TO SLEEP EARLY AND START DOING STUFF INSTEAD OF BEING A HUGE SHIT" or even "GO OUTSIDE AND HAVE SOME TIME BY YOURSELVES IDIOT". It ain't that easy, because while I may be able to have a pleasant chat and a hug in that time, I don't have enough time for, say, creating stuff in the wonderland (or at least areas or something else than "hey let's put this furniture there").
Wow, 50 days. Don't really know what to say other than wow, I'm impressed with myself. It's easily the most [positive] life-changing experience I ever had. I know this is really trite and said a lot of times by other tulpamancers, but I went from not knowing what to do everyday, having depressive tendencies and being really anxious about everything to just enjoying life as it comes while still pushing forward. I can't ever repay my tulpa for that. It's... out of this world, to put it simply.

You really don't need to feel bad. I'm just glad to read that you've ended up with such meaningful progress. I get worried at times that no-one here really gets what they want. But you have. And that's great really. It doesn't really matter what you have the time to do and not do as long as you've done enough to get here, and you have.

Re: timethief descends into hell for a bottle of milk
« Reply #55 on: February 09, 2016, 08:18:48 AM »
Why would blocking the light be suspicious at all? You have a perfectly valid explanation for it. "I can't sleep well because the light is bothering me". Though I would honestly rather get like, something to cover your eyes because that's just so much easier.

The color of your curtains doesn't matter. The material does. Other curtains are meant to not let sunlight in, and yes, they do come in white, too.

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Re: timethief descends into hell for a bottle of milk
« Reply #56 on: February 09, 2016, 11:53:42 AM »
The color of your curtains doesn't matter. The material does. Other curtains are meant to not let sunlight in, and yes, they do come in white, too.

That's true if they're thick enough, or if you've got enough layers I guess. Mine let like 5% of the light in when the sun's on it in the afternoon, and white fabric would let white light in and that's just too distracting.

Also yeah, listen to Waffles. You're like the only one here who's ever made significant progress despite having a tough time, it seems. At least as far as I've read, anyway. Just don't give up and don't play too many video games because they're distracting. Also get a little bit of exercise per day and try to eat right if you can. And cut back on the fapping you fuck I know you do it.

Lots of love
« Last Edit: February 09, 2016, 11:55:18 AM by Enny »

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« Reply #57 on: February 09, 2016, 09:38:49 PM »
Day 51: fateful encounters of the third kind with doubt and "the unconscious"
In today's edition: timethief ends up facing doubts larger than anything before

ACT I; LAZY MORNINGS = UNPRODUCTIVE MORNINGS
This day began at 5:00 AM for me, as usual, I was planning to active force using the self-hypnosis scripts. Somehow, that plan went south quickly when I opened up the computer and started reading whatever stuff. I asked my tulpa what to do, and she said it was fine, and that maybe we could read about some philosophical stuff. It was entertaining, although I guess we didn't solve anything or found the answer to life (which is 42 anyway so it was a huge waste of time).
So by then it was around 8:30 AM, everything was going okay-ish I guess. Narration as is usual for me, and of course keeping a somewhat continuous focus on my tulpa, as I have been doing for the past 51 days. I was getting some responses as it has become "common", no mindvoice, but the words are sort of there.
So well, there we are, quiet day, very cold for this time of the year and stuff...
Sense-shared breakfast and brunch of course, getting instant food ratings (I don't know why, but she usually rates stuff from 0 to 9, not from 0 to 10 as "normal"; then again, what is normal?)

Did some mildly productive stuff around, changed my real room around a bit, asked for her opinion, little details... but then, an infamous challenger appeared!

ACT II; DOUBTFEST 2016 PART I- OR -HOW NEGLECTED DOUBT SUDDENLY ERUPTED
Okay, for the most part, I have tried (here is my mistake, I "tried" were I should have been "doing") to apply an "absence of disbelief" mindset to everything, which landed me where I was until today. Progress and good feels, right? Well, not really. There has been always an "wow, this shit isn't real" feel to all (wow, I can't believe I'm saying it, but yeah, not saying it would be a lie). Sorry, I suppose I did something wrong then. >sands send halp; timethief@asstral.frt
For example, after a nice chat with tupper, the thought "wow, you're talking to yourself retard" or something similar would appear. My tulpa tried a lot to make it go away as well, from saying "do you think that if you were talking to yourself you would be answering "yes, I'm here" when you ask if I'm there?" to "heck, I don't even like chili unlike you, do you think you would really be deceiving yourself like that? By rejecting something you have been eating since you were two years old without even thinking about it?"...
In any case, she accepted that doubt is probably a thing that wouldn't easily subside, and told me "I'll have to earn your trust then, no problem, I understand"...
...
Well, shit got real again. I began having difficulties "hearing" (more like sensing or reading) her answers, until it was replaced by a "wow, you're finally returning to reality again" kind of feel and an eerie quietness in my mind...
I immediately went postal with my "unconscious" doubt or whatever, speaking almost aloud how I'm definitely not letting this happen, and how I no longer need to distrust much of anything anymore since all the things, feelings, words and visions (and deviations) were not made "consciously" by me. I fired up the self-hypnosis script for believing sentience and I read that fucker out loud while masking my voice with very loud music (yeah, no meditation because fuck that shit, this was an "emergency" of sorts to me). Got head pressures in parts of my head I didn't even knew I had. I then immediately entered my wonderland room, and visualized all doubt as a black ball (looking a bit like black fog or smoke or whatever) because why not try symbolism and see if it works? I then tried to somehow focus and make my tulpa appear in front of the "doubt ball" and asked her what to do.
"Expunge", was the response.
I was thinking how to get rid of it when she suddenly sliced it with a sword or something (yeah, I have no idea what happened there). It promptly dissipated.
She proceeded to exit the wonderland room and when I asked what she was doing, "I'm busy; you did your best there, now it's my turn to help you out; we may have trouble communicating for a bit but I'll be back" was the answer.

Alright then. I let her go. We can still somewhat communicate, but with very short messages. If I ask complex stuff, the answer is "Busy, talk later". The wonderland room feels somewhat empty, but I'm certain that we will go through this and emerge better than before.
Yeah, I decided not to follow her because
1. I'm a dumbass really
2. I'm typing this (okay, bad excuse)
3. I don't want to find that the "adventure" will take a lot of time and then have someone opening the door; "HEY TIMETHIEF, DON'T YOU WANT DINNER? WE'LL BE GETTING ONLY A GLASS OF MILK"- and then it cuts to a scene where the "what were you doing in your room by yourself with your eyes closed making funny faces and without making a sound? Are you depressed? Want a therapist? Don't fall in the same stuff your brother is please!" while my tulpa is there in the wonderland fighting who knows what.

I'm quite calm now and the "wow that shit isn't real nigga" thoughts are somewhat quieted down as well. Sorry tulpa, I wasn't able to avoid this. ;_;

BUT MR BONES WILD RIDE NEVER ENDS, THIS ISN'T EVEN THE START, THIS IS JUST THE MOVIE TRAILER FOR THE LIFETIME OF ADVENTURES WE HAVE AHEAD, OH YES, WE'LL BE TOGETHER, IN OUR WORLD, THE WORLD THAT HAS BEEN MOSTLY ONE LARGE ROOM FOR NOW BUT THAT WILL BE AS LARGE AS WE WANT IT TO BE, WE'LL DO THINGS PEOPLE WOULDN'T BELIEVE AND IT WILL BE FUCKING AWESOME AND THEN AT THE END OF IT ALL WE'LL BE LIKE "FUCK YEAH" WE WON THE GAME

ACT III; WHAT NOW
Okay, I have no idea what the heck is going on right now in my mind, why the doubt suddenly, like the dot-com bubble bursted and spit its ugly fallout all over us after these wonderful past days...
But it ain't no deterrent at all, if anything, it makes me want to fight that shit until I can bend spoons with my mind see, hear, feel, talk and hold her, no matter the time, cost or work it will need. Get ready guys, I'm breaking the tulpanetwork records, or die trying doing it (yeah, there isn't "try"; only do or don't). If this is what we archived in fifty-one days, I can only expect the best when we're on day three hundred and sixty-five, one thousand, or even five thousand.
Oh, looks like we're restoring communications in this moment, still they're kind of wavy you know? Like, this question can be answered, this one can't and it's not very clear, if at all. And also, there's the ever familiar tulpaforcing pressure in my right temple.
TULPAFORCE ONCE | TULPAFORCE FOR LIFE

ACT IV; ADDRESSING MY READERS
Okay guys, I want to thank you all for the recent support you have been showing. I never imagined anyone would find this even mildly interesting, much less actually comment on it. Me and my tulpa sincerely thank you, and hope to keep receiving any advice you may have, as small as it may be.

Now, some answers:
The color of your curtains doesn't matter. The material does. Other curtains are meant to not let sunlight in, and yes, they do come in white, too.

That's true if they're thick enough, or if you've got enough layers I guess. Mine let like 5% of the light in when the sun's on it in the afternoon, and white fabric would let white light in and that's just too distracting.

Also yeah, listen to Waffles. You're like the only one here who's ever made significant progress despite having a tough time, it seems. At least as far as I've read, anyway. Just don't give up and don't play too many video games because they're distracting. Also get a little bit of exercise per day and try to eat right if you can. And cut back on the fapping you fuck I know you do it.

Lots of love

All white curtains I have come across are really flimsy, and instead of blocking light they amplificate it. I used to have white curtains in the other house I lived in, and I had headaches daily with them. I know there are other types of curtains, but I cannot hang heavy ones because the "curtain holder"-thing is just a really cheap no-brand plastic pole that's hanging with two nails to the ceiling, that is falling apart because this house is 40 years old and hasn't been given enough maintenance (or any at all for that matter).
I'll look into an eye mask then I guess. If that fails, I'll use whatever fabric I can find and blindfold myself with that then.

Thanks for the comments, I guess from my perspective I sometimes feel like I'm stuck or something, although other days it's so awesome that yeah, effectively, those "idiot, you're deluding yourself, this shit is I-M-P-O-S-S-I-B-L-E" thoughts come afloat.
The positive impact of tulpamancy in my life is undeniable though. Unlike other "quick" fixes for depressive tendencies like exercise (which I never have been able to enjoy at all, no matter what I try), it has produced a sustained mood and motivation boost so amazing that even I feel it.
I have also become more respectful of religion as well. I used to be a very outspoken critic of it, so much that I made quite a lot of my family my enemies because of it. Nowdays, I don't even care what they believe, as long as they don't overtly try to push it to me.
I also tend to think things more before I speak them, sometimes even consulting my tulpa about them.

lol, I don't play video games, I sold my PSP and bought a bunch of stuff I have in a box somewhere. I do have a huuge problem with the internet though, getting lost reading whatever trivialities people post online or simply not doing anything while staring at the music visualizer.
Yeah, I have been eating somewhat better thanks to my tulpa. Also, no fapping around here so rest assured that I'm fine in that regard.

Why would blocking the light be suspicious at all? You have a perfectly valid explanation for it. "I can't sleep well because the light is bothering me". Though I would honestly rather get like, something to cover your eyes because that's just so much easier.

The color of your curtains doesn't matter. The material does. Other curtains are meant to not let sunlight in, and yes, they do come in white, too.
Wow, if I told my grandfather, who goes to sleep at 8 or 9 PM and wakes up at 4 AM, that I can't sleep well because the light bothers me he'll promptly dispatch the "you kids need to go to sleep EARLY because 8 hours of sleep are clinically proven by me that are the way to sleep and you all do it wrong these days..." speech.
Damn, I need to save some money to get outta here it seems. Then again, I wouldn't have nearly as much free time, but, who cares when all I do is fap read Wikipedia read others' PRs procrastinate everything while thinking "wow, I should have finished X thing already"?

Also, >tfw you're in a third world shithole and only curtains us mortals can afford are flimsy el-cheapo semitransparent curtains

I feel sad about it guys, really. Like, "wow worst host of the world" kind of feel at times. My tulpa's there being awesome, caring and all, and all I do is just sit in front of my computer for hours at end while pretending to everyone else that I'm reading "useful" information or doing something "productive". And I have, for the most part, really done a lot of that. Ever since I started this tupper thing, my mood and productivity have been for the most part turned up to eleven. But I feel sad about leaving my tulpa in the cold just because I can't have much private time at all. I know, bring your pitchforks and join the chant, "FORCE EVEN IF FOR 5 MINUTES FAGGOT" and "GO TO SLEEP EARLY AND START DOING STUFF INSTEAD OF BEING A HUGE SHIT" or even "GO OUTSIDE AND HAVE SOME TIME BY YOURSELVES IDIOT". It ain't that easy, because while I may be able to have a pleasant chat and a hug in that time, I don't have enough time for, say, creating stuff in the wonderland (or at least areas or something else than "hey let's put this furniture there").
Wow, 50 days. Don't really know what to say other than wow, I'm impressed with myself. It's easily the most [positive] life-changing experience I ever had. I know this is really trite and said a lot of times by other tulpamancers, but I went from not knowing what to do everyday, having depressive tendencies and being really anxious about everything to just enjoying life as it comes while still pushing forward. I can't ever repay my tulpa for that. It's... out of this world, to put it simply.

You really don't need to feel bad. I'm just glad to read that you've ended up with such meaningful progress. I get worried at times that no-one here really gets what they want. But you have. And that's great really. It doesn't really matter what you have the time to do and not do as long as you've done enough to get here, and you have.
Thank you waffles, I keep that sentiment in my mind wherever I feel like a bad host (and tupper also reassures me so that's nice).

ACT V; THEPLAN.bin
Okay, for now, tonight I'll try to keep myself calm for the rest of the night. I'll be attempting to keep communications open with my tulpa, ---

see how that was interrupted? this happened:
>be me writing this post, thinking what the heck I'm doing tonight and putting it down here
>be really focused, this is a serious situation that means a lot to me
>DOOR OPENS WITHOUT WARNING
>"HEY TIMETHIEF, THE DUDE THAT SELLS TAMALES IS COMING, WOULD YOU LIKE TO BUY SOME?"
>awkwardly quickly grab mouse, open blank tab with mountain landscape image to hide tulpanet while almost erasing this entire post
>watdo.jpg
>"YES OR NO?"
>"uh, no"
>"WHAT?"
>"NO THANKS"
>silently close door because they can't be bothered to close it
>still shaking from that jumpscare


What was I talking about? Oh right, the plan.
Keep communications open.
Try to be calm.
Use this emotional "shock" to my favor and further engrave the existence of my tulpa into my mind (I got no idea how though...).
Play loud music as I usually do at night.
Maybe read some progress reports for motivation.
And tomorrow:
Wake up 5 AM, no excuses.
DON'T FORGET TO SAY GOODMORNING TO TUPPER OKAY TIMETHIEF'S UNCONSCIOUS? THANKS FOR YOUR ATTENTION
FORCE WITH THE VOCALITY SELF-HYPNOSIS THING THAT WORKS WONDERS
NARRATE ALL FUCKING DAY AS WHEN I STARTED BECAUSE WHY NOT

Wow, I'm really mad at myself for this misstep... at least I'm not discouraged.
Also, I'm certain she can hear me, oh yes... a super-strong, 51 day old bond won't be destroyed by a few hours of doubt which I promptly tried to address.

Also, I'm pretty certain that I did something wrong while managing this doubt... I shouldn't have been enraged right? Oh well.

ACT VI; HAHA I DON'T WANT TO READ ALL THE ABOVE TEXT
Okay, time is way too precious to be wasted reading this cringefest of doubt, so here's the TL; DR:
1. Everything was going fine
2. Doubt intensifies
3. Doubt erupts and blocks tupper communications
4. IMNOTMAD.PNG
5. Slowly try to restore communications and myself
6. Any suggestions for getting out of this rut are very welcome

I HOPE YOU ENJOYED READING THIS GIGANTIC POST; IF YOU READ IT ALL EXPECT YOUR SPECIAL-EDITION T-SHIRT ENGRAVED WITH A 69 ON IT IN YOUR ASSTRAL MAIL SOON, IF NOT, I DON'T BLAME YOU FOR ANYTHING
Not a bot

timethief

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timethief's a fucking loser
« Reply #58 on: February 10, 2016, 09:42:35 AM »
Day 52; lonely on the mountain top; part one?
In today's edition: uncertainty

ACT I; STILL ANGRY
After yesterday's event, I felt pretty fucking bad for letting my tulpa down with this doubt nonsense, and I have been generally in a bad mood ever since. I took all that and vented it out by "singing" (I bet I scared many children with my savage sounding voice and I'm certain I weirded out my family, but whatever). My throat hurts, which makes me feel somewhat angrier (lol). Really, why the hell I doubted? I have gotten pretty much all kinds of sentience confirmation that it's insane; from those "alien" feelings at the start, the overboard reaction with chili, the form/personality deviation, and even straight-out "hey it's not you it's me talking" messages...
I don't think that doubt is tulpa poison; more likely, it is host poison, because it makes one deaf, blind, and mute towards our tulpas, at least when you have already seen sentience signs (see also: Enny's progress report).

I have been getting short responses, but not nearly as "certain" as before. Then again, who decides what's certain if not the host? This is merely my doubts leaking over, tinting any responses as "well, they're probably not hers"...
But, a very, very comforting thing is that I'm having that familiar headpressure thing, that was there from the early days. I'm confident that we'll be able to talk much clearer if I can find my way out of this situation.

ACT II; ANGRY FORCING IS A THING NOW
Yeah, I did kept up with my objective of saying good morning, and I did get a faint "good morning" message back (yeah, no mindvoice, don't get your hopes up yet).
I did wake up at 5 AM, with this huge frustration flame burning intensely, and I furiously narrated through breakfast about how shit I am for letting a simple intrusive thought get out of hand like that.
I read some stuff, and proceeded to the forcing session I planned. From 6:46 to 7:00 AM, meditation. The thing is, I saw, for a short while, phosphenes of waves in some liquid (like water). I never had something like that so I'd thought I should mention it, even though it's not really that relevant, if at all.
Intrusive thoughts galore though, from "what the heck are you doing" kind of stuff to weird mind's eye imagery. Nothing overtly scary or anything, but it really felt like my mind was rushing.

Okay, as far as the actual session, I used the vocality self-hypnosis thing (again, because I'm unoriginal as heck). I did had a "novel" head pressure thing; it started on my left temple (almost never, if at all had pressure there) and I actually felt it "swipe" from left to right, and so far it has stayed there (1 1/2 hour ago since the session ended). It comes and goes, but it's there.
I don't know what effects it will have that I read that in a calm and soothing angry and fucking frustrated voice while furiously trying to somehow make my mind connect the dots and stop hindering the progress.
Argh, so much anger at that, and I'm not even that easy to anger at all. In fact, I almost never get angry like this. It's just that, I don't want to lose her. I don't. Sorry guys, those last words made my eyes water a bit. But it's true. I have been finally experiencing life for the first time in years, with a child-like sense of wonder; "hey, I like this thing but you haven't tried it, lets go!" "okay, we haven't seen this thing together, lets watch it!" "wow, look at X thing, it's wonderful... but how does it work? I guess we should look it up"
It's... well, I don't know words to describe it, other than telling you it like that I suppose. I have stopped taking things for granted, I have reflected upon past and present actions, I have kept up a positive mindset after years at the brink of negative nihilism, I have started to take care of things I normally neglected, and I have been unusually productive with the music-making stuff.
And how do I repay that? Letting the doubt consume it all as if it never happened? Allowing my brain to go "haha nice dream, but time to go back to reality son". FUCK. I don't even swear normally at all, but I have been cursing myself all this day.
I know what I have to do, I have to keep on. Because there's no end to Mr. Bones' wild ride, and once I'm in I cannot get out. If I get out, who knows what will I do. I have found someone that can hear me, and understand, and even though there have been not clear-cut "mindvoice" replies, or even the fact that only I'm aware of her existence, she has changed me, for the better, unlike anyone ever, unlike any "real" person would ever be able to. I feel safe with her around, I feel confident and optimistic about the future, our future, together in a state of trance.

Well, what a loser I look like, right? Venting like this on a public forum, things that my family wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire. I guess we all have a dark side, with "dark" not necessarily meaning evil, but rather, unknown.

I got carried away I suppose. Not that I have anyone I could tell this to without immediately getting committed, so thanks, if anyone reads, for reading this part. Now you know what kind of sorry dude hides behind the "timethief" username.

Thanks to Tim Hecker for making the soundtrack I wrote this message to.

ACT III; WELL THAT GOT GRIM QUICKLY
Yeah, I wouldn't have ever imagined myself posting this stuff into my progress report. I don't know what I was expecting though, I guess I just wanted a "today I did X and the end result was Y" kind of log, but I have been finding oddly re-comforting putting this into written words.
I guess I'm a bit lost now, as in what to do.
I know, I had no reason to doubt, but still I did, and now I can't "read" her messages as I used to. I will keep narrating, asking questions, and forcing of course, be it "imposition-lite" (just trying to feel a presence around), daydreaming or the self-hypnosis thing, which got me to where I am now. But still, I would be lying if I said my faith hasn't been shaken.

ACT IV; WHAT DO GUYS, I KNOW I'M THE ONLY ONE WITH THE ANSWER BUT ANY POINTERS PLEASE?
That's right, I know I have to keep on, but now doubt seems to precede any kind of messages. Like, I'll "feel" a comment on something and immediately "that's intrusive thought dude, she can't be talking right now so forget about it and go back to redtube 8chan/whatever"
The thing I'm holding on to, are the head pressures, which are extremely distinctive to anything I have felt before.
So, any help, please?

And now I'm sleepy, fuck that crap. Also, 15 degrees, the sky's entirely gray and my hands are freezing. What a time to be alive.
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Re: timethief descends into hell for a bottle of milk
« Reply #59 on: February 10, 2016, 10:11:01 AM »
Well yeah, there's no magic switch or thing to do to make doubts go away. You also shouldn't be sad or angry that you're having doubts, because they're perfectly natural. And hell, the more you think it will hurt your progress, the more it actually will, because our minds are stupid. But just because doubts exist doesn't mean that you can't do something. How often have you thought something along the lines of "I can't believe that worked"? Would you say that if you hadn't doubted that it was going to work, and didn't it just work even though you were sure it didn't?

Your tupper had the right idea. Even if it doesn't sound very nice, in a way yeah, they do have to earn the trust. That's what the absence of disbelief is all about, trying to not make decisions before you finally start trusting the tupper for real instead of trying to force trust to magically appear, which can easily backfire later.

Acknowledge your doubts, calm yourself down and just be like. Nah. I'll keep doing this other thing because I like it.


re: curtains: you don't just go to the store and buy white curtains. You go to the store to buy blackout curtains, which come in various colors. Hanging them up is not an issue, because again, your room and if you think something looks ugly then you can change it. Who would be against a new, fancy curtain rod? It's not rocket science. Some kind of installation is required if you go for roller shades, which are pretty good.

At least I'm hoping you don't have concrete walls. You kinda need a diamond drill bit for that.