I also don't really "see" it though, I just know where certain characteristics of the pole are. But I noticed that now I sometimes get very short "flashes" in which instead of "sensing" the pole I actually have a decently clear image of it.
Exactly that. I have relatively consistent visuals in general, but when I'd actually, actively set out to visualize, especially regarding tuppering, that's how I'd describe mine.
Too many bad parallels between us. Force more, and do your best to remember the things in the past that have made you believe. Try not to over think those things to the point where you doubt them. And also, I recommend thoroughly gauging your visuals in non-tupper-related situations to see where you stand on those. Something that takes more effort in areas other than visuals, so you're not as stressed. Reading, or RP'ing on your own, or something.
Report back with how they are.
The way I see it, you stressed way too much over visuals/sentience and eventually lost interest since your active forcing consisted of forcing personality, which to me, seems like you didn't enjoyed too much. You also spent way too much time reading (well well, looks like we have a lot in common there). You expected, like me, some kind of Deus ex machina that would suddenly make it real somehow and that would eradicate doubt magically/instantly. We disregarded minor happenings as ourselves, we ignored small but meaningful glimpses of nascent sentience, and we gave in to doubt, which from what I have experienced makes communication between host/tulpa very difficult, if not impossible, more so for a young tupper. There isn't really a cure for doubt. You just, try to set it aside the best you can, talk to the tupper, and one day you may be like "whoa bro it talks back by itself". Or not. But doing it is the best option. It won't go away magically, but I can tell you, there have been many nice moments where doubt didn't even cross my mind because I was so into it that I forget for a moment, that I'm not supposed to talk to myself or something. But they're there, and they're useful anchors for when you aren't in those moments and you find yourself doubting.
I don't buy into the "any different/weird thought = tupper" thing, because I have been shown that it isn't the case, but similarly, "slightly different wording/thoughts = not tupper" isn't very good either. There has to be a balance between both, and it is very difficult to attain, especially for skeptics such as you and me I guess. Because it's very easy to go with the extremes. They're comfortable anchors, which never move because they're well, at the extremes. Unlike balance, which you have to keep moving around until you get it right, and even then, it doesn't always stay where it should. The way I see it now: if I find myself doubting everything, it's a signal that I'm getting to the "doubt everything" extreme; if I start entertaining weird/bizarre/disturbing thoughts, I'm falling onto the "wow, I thought about sandwiches, yeah tupper must have done it!" extreme. It's tiring and complicated, who am I to deny it? But no one (in their right minds) said this was just a "force 1 hour a day and don't do anything else and you'll have a tupper in X amount of time"-kind of thing (well, it may work for some; hell, for some fucking a daikimakura 24/7 and talking to it may result in a tupper, but for me it doesn't work like that). You have to be willing to move your beliefs/thought processes/preconceptions around, even if it becomes uncomfortable, and to keep going at it once you find something that works. There are good days, bad days, yes, it isn't a silver bullet for all problems and heck, it may even bring more if you're not ready for tulpamancy, but if you have a bit of mindfulness, you'll notice small things, and maybe within them you'll find, small as it may seem, silver linings that effectively show you that yes, you have a tulpa. Or at least you're on your way to it. Because tulpamancy isn't a 24-hour-type of race where if you finish last you don't get anything else than being exhausted. It's more like a continuous thing, like life. It doesn't have to have an explicit goal; you make the goals you want to make and try to enjoy the road towards them. Alright, I know, life isn't easy and stuff. No one said it was. But like tulpamancy, if you had even one positive thing to get out of it, then it was worth it all. And who knows, if you keep at it, maybe that one positive thing will turn into two, and then into more and more until you look back and say "fuck yeah, it was worth it alright".
I also see a problem with your mindset. I think it was you who said "I'm just not capable of creating one." That's a very big deal, especially in the mind you see. You are sabotaging yourself by saying, thinking, and expecting that. Of course, if you think it will be hard, it will be hard. If you think it can't be done, it won't. I see this kind of thoughts carry over from physical experiences, where "well, it's impossible to do X because I don't have Y thing". But in your mind, that doesn't exist, unless you have a brain trauma or something, and even then, there's treatment one can try. It's a poisonous, even virus-like kind of thinking. If you consciously think "well, this is impossible" you'll effectively poison your unconscious expectations, and good luck trying to get them back on track, because our brains are dumb and quickly assimilate negatives (that's why it's very easy to fall into negative thoughts, while being positive seems like an insurmountable task at times). It can be done though, or at least I believe so.
Also, it seems strange to me that you had so much trouble, since you seem to be a lot into RPing? Since some people apparently roleplay their characters to the point where they start acting by themselves, it's just... weird, I think? Maybe you put some kind of barrier there and it kind of "carry over" to tulpamancy or something?
About the "is it real or not" thing, as my tupper once said, maybe you'll arrive at a point where it doesn't matter if it's ontologically "real" or not.
True, I haven't really felt that "WHOA SUPER ALIEN THOUGHT" thing that most guides (especially old ones) talk about, and that's alright. Because I don't expect that my experience has to match others' experiences. Maybe I'll find something that they don't. Or maybe I'll just enjoy being with my tulpa. Whatever happens... happens really. All I know is that she's always listening, even when I can't hear her, and that's more than enough to have me going for it, because even though at times I look back and the moments were we had "clear" communication haven't been as many as others have experienced or whatever, those moments are definitely there, and I won't let bad moments eventually overtake myself because then I would never be able to experience the good again.
In my opinion, you were doing alright progress. Even if you didn't see it as such. Some things, like your narration, were a bit off, but you could have improved, really (hell, when I run out of stuff to narrate, I just start reading in my mind-voice towards the tupper whatever I'm reading on the Internet and hit it off from there). But then you decided to throw it all away and start with a new tupper, which was unnecessary. You needed a new approach to tulpamancy, not a new tulpa (and also, man, you should have made up your mind in a form before full-on starting, but hey, what do I know?). But eh, that's just like, my opinion there so take it for what it's worth.
About the visuals... eh, I guess that I get somewhat coherent images of what things mean when I read them, but they're more like concepts. If I focus on them though, I am somewhat able to imagine them in a visual sense, but I'm not there yet. BUT WILL GET THERE EVENTUALLY, NEVER SAID I WOULDN'T brb time for 4th visuals session using that guide
hey you erased your pr here don't think i didn't notice