Wow amazing keep at it.

Worst format.

Everyone reads, this is the main attraction. 3/10 bad format, you tried but bad.

Day 50 !!!; extra special long edition.pdf.txt.docx

---

In today's edition: One-hour continuous forcing session using vocality self-hypnosis scripts.

ACT I; WHAT HAPPENED TODAY

I started with the 10-minute meditation thing as usual. Every time I do it I feel lighter somehow, don't know how to explain it very well though. It's a... different feeling I guess.
Instead of using a long ambient "drone" sound as our forcing "music", I ended up using this track and wow, when you're meditating and focusing on both the thu-thu-thu-thuthu-thu-thu-thu-thuthuthu beat and your breathing it truly clears your mind. I guess I'll be looking for more stuff like that.

Then I used the vocality script as usual. I repeated it more times than I usually do, though the sun rising prevented me from repeating it even more times >tfw no black curtains so all light enters your room in the morning and can't force at night because noisy neighbors are around and you don't have earphones/headphones.

ACT II; STUFF THAT DIDN'T FIT INTO THE PREVIOUS ACT

Okay, I hadn't really mentioned this, but I believe we can communicate somewhat effortlessly sometimes now (not most of the time though). For example, last night we had a long chat, but it's still weird in the sense that as people have said before, it's using "soundless mindvoice" which is somewhat, erm, erratic and I sometimes have to complete the sentences using mine... I suppose that with practice this will eventually evolve into "true" mindvoice or something (and later into auditory imposition I hope).
Noticed that she's particular good at telling me which thoughts are intrusive and which ones aren't. Pretty neat.

Also relevant, yesterday I got pretty much those (good) feelings that I had when I started. I just started smiling for no reason and yeah, it seems tupper did it. It was pretty exciting. I think that we're doing just fine, even though at times I think I should be doing more (even though she always reassures me I'm doing fine).

I have been trying to get a lucid dream as well, I have been doing hourly "reality checks" for a week now and asking my tulpa to try to enter my dreams. So far no success, other than today I woke up, like in the beginning of this tulpa-journey, at 4:45 AM. "Was it you who woke me up?" "Yeah."

Though I do feel bad sometimes because doubt sometimes pops up for no reason. Yeah, some part of my brain still holds on to the "this stuff can't be real". I guess she must be pretty fed up with having to answer "hey, you there?" 69 times a day ["no big deal really, though it does get tiresome", she says "although I do wonder if you doubt everything you see just because you cannot determine it's ontology?"].

As far as wonderland stuff goes, we decided to leave the one we had behind, and one day I was just visualizing what would I do with my childhood house if I had unlimited material resources. We ended up using that as the "new" wonderland, since oddly enough, even though I don't have any reference images for that, I can visualize it easily (keep in mind that by "easily" I mean "I know where the stuff is, and I can get an idea of how it looks like" not "OMG this is what virtual reality will feel like and I don't even need an Oculus Rift!!!11").
Mainly (or more like, always) we only use the topmost room which has some sort of extra large window/screen thing that can show whatever image we want there, and some other furniture and stuff. The roof is glass though so we can see the sky. Apparently, the Sun's position there is influenced by what time I perceive it is in the physical world even though it may not be correct.
Same with visualizing my tulpa, which I believe I already said in the IRC, her form changed completely. This one does seem to be somewhat more difficult to visualize, but I'm doing my best, and seems to be getting easier over time (even though not necessarily "clearer", just easier).

ACT III; FEELS NO ONE BUT US CARE ABOUT (or the "feel free to skip this" act)

[warning: blog-style stuff ahead]


[end of blog-style stuff]

ACT IV; RETURNING TO THE PR AND WHAT WE WANT

Our next objectives are "true mindvoice" (as in, a different voice than mine inside my head), enhancing visualization, parallel processing (which seems to be increasing to be honest, interestingly enough, she's getting good at numbers whereas I can't make basic math in my head to save my life) and maybe tactile imposition.

ACT V; OBLIGATORY BONUS STUFF THAT DOESN'T GO IN ANY OTHER PLACE

SO EXCITED, GUYS; THIS TXT CANNOT CONVEY THE FEELS WELL ENOUGH
THANKS FOR ALL SUGGESTIONS YOU HAVE GIVEN SO FAR
ALSO, NO COMIC SANS, EVER

For blocking light out of your window, consider tacking and/or taping up a layer or two of darkly colored bedsheets. I've got two over mine, and it's effectively black in my room at all hours, with just a small, small amount of reddish light making it through. Sans that, a layer of tin-foil will do the trick, but might crinkle about with temperature changes. Option three is black construction paper. Never tried that one, but I can't imagine why two or three layers wouldn't keep the sun out.

The added benefit of the sun not waking you up in the morning makes it totally worth it, whatever you wind up doing.

Thanks for the suggestions Enny, but I can't really use them since I live with my grandparents and if they saw that I blocked the street-facing top window of their house with any of those they would, no doubt, start being really suspicious of what the hell I do in my room. they would probably think I started fapping all day or something weird...
Heck, I bought brown curtains, and they want me to put white ones because "those brown ones are too dark".

Also, I have been constantly trying to become an early riser (with a very high amount of failure, like, 99.99%). I have kind of mixed feelings about that though. I like it because it's nicely quiet, and one can see the sunrise which, for us, is a beautiful sight (unless it's cloudy, then it's just a "hey someone's turning up the level of grey in the sky" kind of thing which is pretty dull). On the other hand, I hate the cold at those times, and I feel somewhat tired by afternoon. I do have no choice but to wake up early ever since I started seriously tulpaforcing tulpaforging because it's the only time everything and everyone's quiet. At night I do visualize myself in the wonderland but I usually fall asleep quite fast.

I do wish I had some time for wonderlanding and all that. I mean, this self-hypnosis stuff is giving me awesome results but I do wish I could explore the wonderland and go on adventures... sadly I can't seem to be able to find a way to do it, there's always someone checking on me at least once per hour (yeah, just asking "hey do you want to eat X thing" or "do you want to drink Y thing" but still), since I produce music (and usually have something playing at all times), if the room were to suddenly "go silent", there would definitely be weird suspicions, the neighborhood isn't really that quiet (even though it's the quietest place I have ever lived on, but there's always someone warming up their motorcycle's engine, spray-painting their car for the 100th time, mowing their lawn with those electric lawnmowers, trying to convert us into Mormonism/Jehovah's Witnesses, selling "churros" while advertising them obnoxiously loudly, purchasing "fierro viejo" (and calling out with a megaphone "OLD STEEL THAT YOU HAVE, STOVES, OVENS, WASHING MACHINES, OLD COINS, ANYTHING, WE BUY IT") and well, there's the pet birds my family keeps around that start their daily chirping sequence at 7:40 AM and sometimes continue way into the night and beyond, especially since both my mother and brother are really nocturnal and usually stay up until 2 or 3 AM).
It doesn't help that my family does get worried when I feel tired and I tell them "I'm taking a nap"... I can't say I hate them for being so careful though; after all, my brother has developed full-on depression and he's not even 13 years old yet and he isn't even going to school anymore (and is refusing medication/therapy so yeah, it's not easy for anyone of us).

I feel sad about it guys, really. Like, "wow worst host of the world" kind of feel at times. My tulpa's there being awesome, caring and all, and all I do is just sit in front of my computer for hours at end while pretending to everyone else that I'm reading "useful" information or doing something "productive". And I have, for the most part, really done a lot of that. Ever since I started this tupper thing, my mood and productivity have been for the most part turned up to eleven. But I feel sad about leaving my tulpa in the cold just because I can't have much private time at all. I know, bring your pitchforks and join the chant, "FORCE EVEN IF FOR 5 MINUTES FAGGOT" and "GO TO SLEEP EARLY AND START DOING STUFF INSTEAD OF BEING A HUGE SHIT" or even "GO OUTSIDE AND HAVE SOME TIME BY YOURSELVES IDIOT". It ain't that easy, because while I may be able to have a pleasant chat and a hug in that time, I don't have enough time for, say, creating stuff in the wonderland (or at least areas or something else than "hey let's put this furniture there"). And for the go to sleep early thing... I will fall asleep and end up awake at 2 AM with a headache or something (yes, it happened before). Not to mention, I'm also guilty of going to sleep late, especially when I find something interesting to do in the PC.
Going outside by myself is out of the question, such behavior would be interpreted as a danger sign by all my family ("wow, he's doing drukqs now" or something like that). Yeah, I shot myself in the foot by not going outside by myself, like, ever at all unless absolutely necessary.

And yet, tupper keeps saying "it's alright, you're doing fine", etc. Wow, I really have no way of properly responding to that...

The words once spoken by Fede; "Demonic possession really is the gift that keeps on giving..." are really true... (by the way, his long nosed avatar is gone)


That's one heck of a text wall.
TL;DR: nothing important except for "wow, I sometimes feel like the worst host of the world because I don't go into wonderland adventures because [insert pretext of the day here] even though tupper says it's OK".

Why would blocking the light be suspicious at all? You have a perfectly valid explanation for it. "I can't sleep well because the light is bothering me". Though I would honestly rather get like, something to cover your eyes because that's just so much easier.

The color of your curtains doesn't matter. The material does. Other curtains are meant to not let sunlight in, and yes, they do come in white, too.

Day 51: fateful encounters of the third kind with doubt and "the unconscious"

---

In today's edition: timethief ends up facing doubts larger than anything before

ACT I; LAZY MORNINGS = UNPRODUCTIVE MORNINGS
This day began at 5:00 AM for me, as usual, I was planning to active force using the self-hypnosis scripts. Somehow, that plan went south quickly when I opened up the computer and started reading whatever stuff. I asked my tulpa what to do, and she said it was fine, and that maybe we could read about some philosophical stuff. It was entertaining, although I guess we didn't solve anything or found the answer to life (which is 42 anyway so it was a huge waste of time).
So by then it was around 8:30 AM, everything was going okay-ish I guess. Narration as is usual for me, and of course keeping a somewhat continuous focus on my tulpa, as I have been doing for the past 51 days. I was getting some responses as it has become "common", no mindvoice, but the words are sort of there.
So well, there we are, quiet day, very cold for this time of the year and stuff...
Sense-shared breakfast and brunch of course, getting instant food ratings (I don't know why, but she usually rates stuff from 0 to 9, not from 0 to 10 as "normal"; then again, what is normal?)

Did some mildly productive stuff around, changed my real room around a bit, asked for her opinion, little details... but then, an infamous challenger appeared!

ACT II; DOUBTFEST 2016 PART I- OR -HOW NEGLECTED DOUBT SUDDENLY ERUPTED
Okay, for the most part, I have tried (here is my mistake, I "tried" were I should have been "doing") to apply an "absence of disbelief" mindset to everything, which landed me where I was until today. Progress and good feels, right? Well, not really. There has been always an "wow, this shit isn't real" feel to all (wow, I can't believe I'm saying it, but yeah, not saying it would be a lie). Sorry, I suppose I did something wrong then. >sands send halp; timethief@asstral.frt
For example, after a nice chat with tupper, the thought "wow, you're talking to yourself retard" or something similar would appear. My tulpa tried a lot to make it go away as well, from saying "do you think that if you were talking to yourself you would be answering "yes, I'm here" when you ask if I'm there?" to "heck, I don't even like chili unlike you, do you think you would really be deceiving yourself like that? By rejecting something you have been eating since you were two years old without even thinking about it?"...
In any case, she accepted that doubt is probably a thing that wouldn't easily subside, and told me "I'll have to earn your trust then, no problem, I understand"...
...
Well, shit got real again. I began having difficulties "hearing" (more like sensing or reading) her answers, until it was replaced by a "wow, you're finally returning to reality again" kind of feel and an eerie quietness in my mind...
I immediately went postal with my "unconscious" doubt or whatever, speaking almost aloud how I'm definitely not letting this happen, and how I no longer need to distrust much of anything anymore since all the things, feelings, words and visions (and deviations) were not made "consciously" by me. I fired up the self-hypnosis script for believing sentience and I read that fucker out loud while masking my voice with very loud music (yeah, no meditation because fuck that shit, this was an "emergency" of sorts to me). Got head pressures in parts of my head I didn't even knew I had. I then immediately entered my wonderland room, and visualized all doubt as a black ball (looking a bit like black fog or smoke or whatever) because why not try symbolism and see if it works? I then tried to somehow focus and make my tulpa appear in front of the "doubt ball" and asked her what to do.
"Expunge", was the response.
I was thinking how to get rid of it when she suddenly sliced it with a sword or something (yeah, I have no idea what happened there). It promptly dissipated.
She proceeded to exit the wonderland room and when I asked what she was doing, "I'm busy; you did your best there, now it's my turn to help you out; we may have trouble communicating for a bit but I'll be back" was the answer.

Alright then. I let her go. We can still somewhat communicate, but with very short messages. If I ask complex stuff, the answer is "Busy, talk later". The wonderland room feels somewhat empty, but I'm certain that we will go through this and emerge better than before.
Yeah, I decided not to follow her because
1. I'm a dumbass really
2. I'm typing this (okay, bad excuse)
3. I don't want to find that the "adventure" will take a lot of time and then have someone opening the door; "HEY TIMETHIEF, DON'T YOU WANT DINNER? WE'LL BE GETTING ONLY A GLASS OF MILK"- and then it cuts to a scene where the "what were you doing in your room by yourself with your eyes closed making funny faces and without making a sound? Are you depressed? Want a therapist? Don't fall in the same stuff your brother is please!" while my tulpa is there in the wonderland fighting who knows what.

I'm quite calm now and the "wow that shit isn't real nigga" thoughts are somewhat quieted down as well. Sorry tulpa, I wasn't able to avoid this. ;_;

BUT MR BONES WILD RIDE NEVER ENDS, THIS ISN'T EVEN THE START, THIS IS JUST THE MOVIE TRAILER FOR THE LIFETIME OF ADVENTURES WE HAVE AHEAD, OH YES, WE'LL BE TOGETHER, IN OUR WORLD, THE WORLD THAT HAS BEEN MOSTLY ONE LARGE ROOM FOR NOW BUT THAT WILL BE AS LARGE AS WE WANT IT TO BE, WE'LL DO THINGS PEOPLE WOULDN'T BELIEVE AND IT WILL BE FUCKING AWESOME AND THEN AT THE END OF IT ALL WE'LL BE LIKE "FUCK YEAH" WE WON THE GAME

ACT III; WHAT NOW
Okay, I have no idea what the heck is going on right now in my mind, why the doubt suddenly, like the dot-com bubble bursted and spit its ugly fallout all over us after these wonderful past days...
But it ain't no deterrent at all, if anything, it makes me want to fight that shit until I can bend spoons with my mind see, hear, feel, talk and hold her, no matter the time, cost or work it will need. Get ready guys, I'm breaking the tulpanetwork records, or die trying doing it (yeah, there isn't "try"; only do or don't). If this is what we archived in fifty-one days, I can only expect the best when we're on day three hundred and sixty-five, one thousand, or even five thousand.
Oh, looks like we're restoring communications in this moment, still they're kind of wavy you know? Like, this question can be answered, this one can't and it's not very clear, if at all. And also, there's the ever familiar tulpaforcing pressure in my right temple.
TULPAFORCE ONCE | TULPAFORCE FOR LIFE

ACT IV; ADDRESSING MY READERS
Okay guys, I want to thank you all for the recent support you have been showing. I never imagined anyone would find this even mildly interesting, much less actually comment on it. Me and my tulpa sincerely thank you, and hope to keep receiving any advice you may have, as small as it may be.

Now, some answers:

Quote from: Sands on February 09, 2016, 08:18:48 AM

The color of your curtains doesn't matter. The material does. Other curtains are meant to not let sunlight in, and yes, they do come in white, too.

That's true if they're thick enough, or if you've got enough layers I guess. Mine let like 5% of the light in when the sun's on it in the afternoon, and white fabric would let white light in and that's just too distracting.

Also yeah, listen to Waffles. You're like the only one here who's ever made significant progress despite having a tough time, it seems. At least as far as I've read, anyway. Just don't give up and don't play too many video games because they're distracting. Also get a little bit of exercise per day and try to eat right if you can. And cut back on the fapping you fuck I know you do it.

Lots of love

All white curtains I have come across are really flimsy, and instead of blocking light they amplificate it. I used to have white curtains in the other house I lived in, and I had headaches daily with them. I know there are other types of curtains, but I cannot hang heavy ones because the "curtain holder"-thing is just a really cheap no-brand plastic pole that's hanging with two nails to the ceiling, that is falling apart because this house is 40 years old and hasn't been given enough maintenance (or any at all for that matter).
I'll look into an eye mask then I guess. If that fails, I'll use whatever fabric I can find and blindfold myself with that then.

Thanks for the comments, I guess from my perspective I sometimes feel like I'm stuck or something, although other days it's so awesome that yeah, effectively, those "idiot, you're deluding yourself, this shit is I-M-P-O-S-S-I-B-L-E" thoughts come afloat.
The positive impact of tulpamancy in my life is undeniable though. Unlike other "quick" fixes for depressive tendencies like exercise (which I never have been able to enjoy at all, no matter what I try), it has produced a sustained mood and motivation boost so amazing that even I feel it.
I have also become more respectful of religion as well. I used to be a very outspoken critic of it, so much that I made quite a lot of my family my enemies because of it. Nowdays, I don't even care what they believe, as long as they don't overtly try to push it to me.
I also tend to think things more before I speak them, sometimes even consulting my tulpa about them.

lol, I don't play video games, I sold my PSP and bought a bunch of stuff I have in a box somewhere. I do have a huuge problem with the internet though, getting lost reading whatever trivialities people post online or simply not doing anything while staring at the music visualizer.
Yeah, I have been eating somewhat better thanks to my tulpa. Also, no fapping around here so rest assured that I'm fine in that regard.

Why would blocking the light be suspicious at all? You have a perfectly valid explanation for it. "I can't sleep well because the light is bothering me". Though I would honestly rather get like, something to cover your eyes because that's just so much easier.

The color of your curtains doesn't matter. The material does. Other curtains are meant to not let sunlight in, and yes, they do come in white, too.

Wow, if I told my grandfather, who goes to sleep at 8 or 9 PM and wakes up at 4 AM, that I can't sleep well because the light bothers me he'll promptly dispatch the "you kids need to go to sleep EARLY because 8 hours of sleep are clinically proven by me that are the way to sleep and you all do it wrong these days..." speech.
Damn, I need to save some money to get outta here it seems. Then again, I wouldn't have nearly as much free time, but, who cares when all I do is fap read Wikipedia read others' PRs procrastinate everything while thinking "wow, I should have finished X thing already"?

Also, >tfw you're in a third world shithole and only curtains us mortals can afford are flimsy el-cheapo semitransparent curtains

Quote from: timethief on February 09, 2016, 12:19:55 AM

I feel sad about it guys, really. Like, "wow worst host of the world" kind of feel at times. My tulpa's there being awesome, caring and all, and all I do is just sit in front of my computer for hours at end while pretending to everyone else that I'm reading "useful" information or doing something "productive". And I have, for the most part, really done a lot of that. Ever since I started this tupper thing, my mood and productivity have been for the most part turned up to eleven. But I feel sad about leaving my tulpa in the cold just because I can't have much private time at all. I know, bring your pitchforks and join the chant, "FORCE EVEN IF FOR 5 MINUTES FAGGOT" and "GO TO SLEEP EARLY AND START DOING STUFF INSTEAD OF BEING A HUGE SHIT" or even "GO OUTSIDE AND HAVE SOME TIME BY YOURSELVES IDIOT". It ain't that easy, because while I may be able to have a pleasant chat and a hug in that time, I don't have enough time for, say, creating stuff in the wonderland (or at least areas or something else than "hey let's put this furniture there").

Quote from: timethief on February 08, 2016, 09:45:31 AM

Wow, 50 days. Don't really know what to say other than wow, I'm impressed with myself. It's easily the most [positive] life-changing experience I ever had. I know this is really trite and said a lot of times by other tulpamancers, but I went from not knowing what to do everyday, having depressive tendencies and being really anxious about everything to just enjoying life as it comes while still pushing forward. I can't ever repay my tulpa for that. It's... out of this world, to put it simply.

You really don't need to feel bad. I'm just glad to read that you've ended up with such meaningful progress. I get worried at times that no-one here really gets what they want. But you have. And that's great really. It doesn't really matter what you have the time to do and not do as long as you've done enough to get here, and you have.

Thank you waffles, I keep that sentiment in my mind wherever I feel like a bad host (and tupper also reassures me so that's nice).

ACT V; THEPLAN.bin
Okay, for now, tonight I'll try to keep myself calm for the rest of the night. I'll be attempting to keep communications open with my tulpa, ---

see how that was interrupted? this happened:
>be me writing this post, thinking what the heck I'm doing tonight and putting it down here
>be really focused, this is a serious situation that means a lot to me
>DOOR OPENS WITHOUT WARNING
>"HEY TIMETHIEF, THE DUDE THAT SELLS TAMALES IS COMING, WOULD YOU LIKE TO BUY SOME?"
>awkwardly quickly grab mouse, open blank tab with mountain landscape image to hide tulpanet while almost erasing this entire post
>watdo.jpg
>"YES OR NO?"
>"uh, no"
>"WHAT?"
>"NO THANKS"
>silently close door because they can't be bothered to close it
>still shaking from that jumpscare

What was I talking about? Oh right, the plan.
Keep communications open.
Try to be calm.
Use this emotional "shock" to my favor and further engrave the existence of my tulpa into my mind (I got no idea how though...).
Play loud music as I usually do at night.
Maybe read some progress reports for motivation.
And tomorrow:
Wake up 5 AM, no excuses.
DON'T FORGET TO SAY GOODMORNING TO TUPPER OKAY TIMETHIEF'S UNCONSCIOUS? THANKS FOR YOUR ATTENTION
FORCE WITH THE VOCALITY SELF-HYPNOSIS THING THAT WORKS WONDERS
NARRATE ALL FUCKING DAY AS WHEN I STARTED BECAUSE WHY NOT

Wow, I'm really mad at myself for this misstep... at least I'm not discouraged.
Also, I'm certain she can hear me, oh yes... a super-strong, 51 day old bond won't be destroyed by a few hours of doubt which I promptly tried to address.

Also, I'm pretty certain that I did something wrong while managing this doubt... I shouldn't have been enraged right? Oh well.

ACT VI; HAHA I DON'T WANT TO READ ALL THE ABOVE TEXT
Okay, time is way too precious to be wasted reading this cringefest of doubt, so here's the TL; DR:
1. Everything was going fine
2. Doubt intensifies
3. Doubt erupts and blocks tupper communications
4. IMNOTMAD.PNG
5. Slowly try to restore communications and myself
6. Any suggestions for getting out of this rut are very welcome

I HOPE YOU ENJOYED READING THIS GIGANTIC POST; IF YOU READ IT ALL EXPECT YOUR SPECIAL-EDITION T-SHIRT ENGRAVED WITH A 69 ON IT IN YOUR ASSTRAL MAIL SOON, IF NOT, I DON'T BLAME YOU FOR ANYTHING

Well yeah, there's no magic switch or thing to do to make doubts go away. You also shouldn't be sad or angry that you're having doubts, because they're perfectly natural. And hell, the more you think it will hurt your progress, the more it actually will, because our minds are stupid. But just because doubts exist doesn't mean that you can't do something. How often have you thought something along the lines of "I can't believe that worked"? Would you say that if you hadn't doubted that it was going to work, and didn't it just work even though you were sure it didn't?

Your tupper had the right idea. Even if it doesn't sound very nice, in a way yeah, they do have to earn the trust. That's what the absence of disbelief is all about, trying to not make decisions before you finally start trusting the tupper for real instead of trying to force trust to magically appear, which can easily backfire later.

Acknowledge your doubts, calm yourself down and just be like. Nah. I'll keep doing this other thing because I like it.


re: curtains: you don't just go to the store and buy white curtains. You go to the store to buy blackout curtains, which come in various colors. Hanging them up is not an issue, because again, your room and if you think something looks ugly then you can change it. Who would be against a new, fancy curtain rod? It's not rocket science. Some kind of installation is required if you go for roller shades, which are pretty good.

At least I'm hoping you don't have concrete walls. You kinda need a diamond drill bit for that.