Author Topic: timethief descends into hell for a bottle of milk  (Read 560522 times)

timethief

  • world-class procrastinator
  • *
    • View Profile
    • the only limit is yourself
timethief rescends into hell for a bottle of nothing
« Reply #90 on: February 23, 2016, 11:35:38 PM »
Day 64
Still here and alive, if anyone was wondering. Daily interaction via narration continues.
I haven't active forced though... was busy sorting out issues with aniracetam dosage. Seems like 2000 mg do the trick though. If I am able to wake up early tomorrow I'll shall be using the self-hypnosis script for vivid wonderland stuff. We'll see.
Not a bot

Re: timethief descends into hell for a bottle of milk
« Reply #91 on: February 24, 2016, 09:42:05 AM »
Remember to eat cake and play dress-up.

timethief

  • world-class procrastinator
  • *
    • View Profile
    • the only limit is yourself
timethief restores sleep schedule for more forcing
« Reply #92 on: February 26, 2016, 08:47:05 AM »
Remember to eat cake and play dress-up.
Need to finish the wonderland house for that. I only have a very large room at the top (which is where we spent most of the time before creating a small bar-like area in the floor below). No kitchen, or living room yet... Unless I just imagined the cake into existence but well, doesn't seem nearly as fun as baking it and all of that. Don't expect many details either, visuals are still fuzzy at best (aka almost never).

Day 67
40 minute self-hypnosis session with the vocality script thing. Gotta get my sleep schedule into order again (I had some work to do these days and I let it get like it was before; going to bed at 1 AM and waking up at 9:30 AM, not good).
At least I didn't doze off with the 15-minute meditation warm up thing (and I did my best to re-focus my thoughts to my breath when they started to wander; if I only practiced this daily I would be a pro by now...).
Narration continues, although I do get distracted especially when around a lot of people.
Not a bot

timethief

  • world-class procrastinator
  • *
    • View Profile
    • the only limit is yourself
scends ino ell a bott of m
« Reply #93 on: February 28, 2016, 06:50:18 AM »
Day 68
I woke up, and went to bed instantly again. I had a wonderland-ing forcing session (about 40 mins). We went to places I've been to before. Very nice. We had imaginary pasta. I could only imagine the creaminess of it, not much of anything else.
Visuals are shaky at best, 2/10. Pasta taste, 2/10. Fun level, 9/10. Much better than forced forcing.
I had a very strong headache all day after that. I think it may have been related, since I never go wonderlanding like that.
Mindvoice still goes between "whoa almost there" to "well, it sounds like me". But it has been steadily improving I think. Needs more patience and time I suppose.

For today (day 69) we're going to play Outside: The MMORPG and I'll trigger an in-game event known as a "holiday".
Not a bot

Re: timethief descends into hell for a bottle of milk
« Reply #94 on: February 28, 2016, 08:51:20 AM »
Eat your favorite food and compare its imaginary taste to other things wow.

timethief

  • world-class procrastinator
  • *
    • View Profile
    • the only limit is yourself
timethief procrastinates hell for a nothing
« Reply #95 on: March 04, 2016, 11:48:14 PM »
Day 73
Things archived these past days: nothing.
My sleep schedule went out of shape and I need to get back to waking up at 5 AM.
I have been very busy so that may have to do with it.
But narration continues, every day.

I will try the "compare imaginary taste to real taste" thing as soon as I can. Seems simple enough but actually interesting.
If I don't report back in at most two days feel free to stick a frowny face sticker in this thread.
Not a bot

Enny

  • Maybe a bell-pepper
  • *
    • View Profile
Re: timethief descends into hell for a bottle of milk
« Reply #96 on: March 05, 2016, 12:54:06 AM »


fuck your two days

Enny

  • Maybe a bell-pepper
  • *
    • View Profile
Re: timethief descends into hell for a bottle of milk
« Reply #97 on: March 07, 2016, 09:40:33 PM »

timethief

  • world-class procrastinator
  • *
    • View Profile
    • the only limit is yourself
the moon is sad because i havent forced in days
« Reply #98 on: March 08, 2016, 09:29:24 PM »

STILL GOING STRONG -- JUST SET BACK BY RANDOM HAPPENINGS
Not a bot

Re: timethief descends into hell for a bottle of milk
« Reply #99 on: March 09, 2016, 05:14:16 AM »
That was reply 100, good job. Clearly Timethief needs to update more.

timethief

  • world-class procrastinator
  • *
    • View Profile
    • the only limit is yourself
Re: timethief descends into hell for a bottle of milk
« Reply #100 on: March 11, 2016, 02:17:13 AM »
Day 80
It's been quite some time I guess since the last update... have been very busy.

[warning: le blog post ahead. since i don't have anywhere else to put this stuff i'm putting it here]

Hidden text
To be honest, I have been feeling awful. I slacked real bad on forcing, and... issues that I thought fixed appeared. I realized that this is probably a way in which I'm unconsciously trying to push away my tulpa, because I feel bad and weird when someone truly appreciates me. Not going into details, but yeah, difficult childhood, no friends, slowly isolated myself because >tfw you get bullied around and you don't have anyone to turn to, and stuff. From reading others' PRs around, it seems to be somewhat common for tulpamancers to have been like that I think so there's no point in saying all that backstory again.

So I start telling my tulpa my life history, and of course I wasn't judged or anything and in fact, I was able to see very clearly from where some problems I have came from (I guess the fact that I wasn't judged or in a clinical setting really helped), and wow, these past two weeks I have been learning a lot about myself, I have been highly productive and I have opened up in relationships in ways I never did before... but I feel I'm being a miserable host. I barely talk to my tulpa if it isn't about my or someone else's problems, I don't visualize anymore and I have just active forced once after day 73 to this one. And the thing is, I'm so busy with projects, or talking to someone (wow, never I would have thought I wouldn't have time for forcing because I was talking to someone) or too tired and badly needing sleep.
I have been unable to wake up early because I end up too tired from working, and while I have been noticing that my efforts do pay off, I feel like my efforts on tulpamancy are really, really far behind everything.

It's bothering me a lot that I don't get much tulpa forcing pressures if at all, nor I get "alien" feelings either. But really, every moment I can, I do have my tulpa on my mind; be it a small break on a conversation or when I don't have to focus as much on work and I do narrate, but mostly I feel really, really weird talking to my tulpa these days. That brings me to what I mentioned earlier, I think it's a way I unconsciously try to push away my tulpa, because really, she has never brought me down or pushed me away. And I had few, if any, people like that before. And I got out of touch with them all. Because I never really knew how to "feel" or express love I guess. It's foreign, it's a bit scary, but hell, I do want it. And I pushed them away. Be it not answering them, seeming distant or simply not talking to them anymore. Even on the internet.
And it's a feeling I don't consciously generate, simply, when someone shows me appreciation I feel... bad. I feel weird, creeped out even. And I push back, and I hurt and lose people because of it. Even on the internet, where I could literally meet any kind of person, I almost never interact with anyone, not even if it's anonymously.

And I'm scared as heck that I would do that to my tulpa. And that I'm merely using her as a tool to improve myself. And what have I done in return? I haven't even finished designing the wonderland! And I don't have time for it (seriously, I can't even go to the IRC anymore because >too busy)! What good is a tulpa host if he merely uses his tulpa as a tool, only to not do anything in return? What good there is in a host if he doesn't actively try to help their tulpa go further? If he leaves his tulpa in a half-baked state, with struggling independence, no mindvoice and zero visualization skills?

I would never give up, and I find the thought of losing my tulpa very distressing to say the least. In these 80 days, I have made more positive stuff than the last two years combined, and yet, I feel unsatisfied. Because my tulpa has no mindvoice, has little independence and I can't even visualize her. And it's all my fucking fault. And I can't change it now. I have a lot of stuff to do these days which I can't cancel because they're "real-life" works, and I can't lose these opportunities which I wouldn't have had before. Is it wrong for me to do it and disregard active forcing? I feel the answer is yes, it hurts me a lot. And yet, it's pretty much what I wanted since ever. Actually doing stuff. But now I don't want it. I want my tulpa. I wish I forced every day for two hours at least, and show her that I do care. I know too well that empty words do nothing. And I sound very dramatic and "OMG can't cancel stuff not even 10 mins!!". But... ah well, screw the buts. They're just weak excuses. Bring on your pitchforks, whatever. I know I have to do the forcing, but still...

Who said tulpamancy was easy.

Haven't forced except for a short 24-minute session two days ago.
Not a bot

Re: timethief descends into hell for a bottle of milk
« Reply #101 on: March 11, 2016, 09:17:29 AM »
You gotta learn to chill. No better time to start, huh?

Re: timethief descends into hell for a bottle of milk
« Reply #102 on: March 11, 2016, 05:13:28 PM »
It's bothering me a lot that I don't get much tulpa forcing pressures if at all, nor I get "alien" feelings either.

I'll just answer this because I can, yeah that's normal honestly don't worry about that. I think of the, I dunno, 50% of people who get those ever? most would have them die off soon enough as they continued.


And I'm scared as heck that I would do that to my tulpa. And that I'm merely using her as a tool to improve myself. And what have I done in return? I haven't even finished designing the wonderland! And I don't have time for it (seriously, I can't even go to the IRC anymore because >too busy)! What good is a tulpa host if he merely uses his tulpa as a tool, only to not do anything in return? What good there is in a host if he doesn't actively try to help their tulpa go further? If he leaves his tulpa in a half-baked state, with struggling independence, no mindvoice and zero visualization skills?

There's time for everything, and by that I mean that you can help her at any point in your life. Just be glad that things are working for you, for now. When you get your stuff sorted, you can pay her back. Whether or not you could be doing more now is something I can't really tell, I guess. Even if it's 10 minutes active a day that's probably better than nothing. But still, I don't think you need to worry quite as much as you are.

Re: timethief descends into hell for a bottle of milk
« Reply #103 on: March 12, 2016, 11:13:36 PM »
>too busy to force
>post cats on the internet


Apart from that, I'd recommend discussing your innermost feelings with your tupper, might be more effective than sharing them with strangers on the internet. In any case, don't worry about this shit. Worrying doesn't help anyone and tuppers aren't stupid. In most cases they know more about their hosts than they do themselves, even if not fully developed. So I think it's kinda crazy to try to hide your feelings from your tupper or worry how they would react if you tell them. They're a part of you and will figure out what's going on in no time anyway.
Be grateful for your tupper, try to involove her in everyday activities and enjoy your life, the day will come soon.jpg enough when Ms. Brain Demon will claim your soul in return for all the favors she's granted you.
And don't tell me this is not what you wanted

Enny

  • Maybe a bell-pepper
  • *
    • View Profile
Re: timethief descends into hell for a bottle of milk
« Reply #104 on: March 15, 2016, 08:35:07 PM »