Day 140
Total forcing time: 1 hour 6 minutes
Relaxation exercise -> self-hypnosis (vocality).
Usual thing. Start with the breathing exercises.
Mind kept jumping subjects at random. It wasn't very successful, though by the end of it I did started feeling lighter, even though my focus was all over the place.
Actual forcing. Went to the wonderland and we somehow ended up on a tall building on floor 10. It was mostly empty, save for a few gray sofas, a desk with some office chairs and a coffee machine.
We tried out >symbolism. Basically, my tulpa materialized a gray, old-looking box with a switch and the word DOUBT at the top. She proceded to turn it to the OFF position (and proceeded to throw away that switch thing). It did felt weird, that's for sure; kinda like some sort of emotional response (cool stuff actually).
I'm still somewhat doubting now (wow, what a bad host), but it feels like "empty" doubt, if it makes any sense to anyone. It's like, "whoa, objectively, I have some sort of idea that this is definitely possible so I can't deny it by "objective" means [lol], and by subjective means my doubt has been turned off so what sustains this doubt?". It seems like an strange, if slightly re-comforting thing.
Also, we tried head-pressures. Sure enough, she was able to switch the typical right temple head-pressure to the left, complete with me feeling as it went from side to side, though afterwards we tried to generate some head-pressure on the right side and didn't work.
Also, some more >symbolism. A microphone because why not. Well, some sort of success happened there I think. Her "thoughts" approached more the "mindvoice"-kind-of-communication than the current system of interpreting thoughts (and it was exciting and all even if at the moment I didn't felt it but man, I would sell a lung just to have that mindvoice around all day... ;_; ). It did require a good amount of focus though, and was very brief, and because I'm an
stupid idiot who can't trust anyone not even this wonderful being that reassures me everyday overlooking my idiocy I STILL KEEP DOUBTING EVEN AFTER THAT. AIN'T THAT LEVEL-9000 FAGGOTRY AT ITS BEST?!?!?!
just fuck my shit up manAnd the worst thing is, I just don't even know what the heck I'm doubting anymore. I don't have any reason to doubt that I have made some progress at least (I have fucking experienced the results myself, for Hell's sake), I can sometimes hold conversations without mindvoice and her opinions do tend to be different at times, I have experienced all that stuff at the beginning, I have followed her advice, much to my benefit, and nope, my faggotry still stands. Just what the heck I'm waiting for then? Bloody hell, I might make a small, non-living sacrifice to the tulpamancy gods if I can't sort this out. Or does it go away with time and then the "wow" factor settles in? I should know it myself, I have spent days reading others' PRs and yet, I can't even come to a conclusion that effectively breaks this wall of doubt. I have even tried to make sense of Linkzelda's philosophical posts, just in case he would be able to explain it since he's so verbose. But no dice. Maybe I'm retarded. I'll go see a neurologist, because that must be it; damn.
Visuals are 1.5/10 right now. I can make some sense out of it, but not much is defined. At least I can move around.
I did feel calm after the session, but I can't hide the fact that right now I feel frustrated by this senseless doubt. Feels like standing on a solid building, seeing and KNOWING that the building is super solid, and still being a sissy faggot going all "uwa, Imma gonna fall down guise save meee!!11". Regrettable.
This is the best progress report on this site! Good work, my friend :)
Thanks dude, although there isn't much (active) competition these days around here.
You should do some random stuff with tupper outside your hypnosis sessions or whatever, too.
Yes, I know. I need to plan something. Hmm, maybe I can really make the "I'm meditating" ruse work with my family now. I talked to them about Buddhist meditation and they seemed to agree with a lot of the concepts. I can probably tell them that I'll be doing it.
Maybe. Because I'm all like "whoa my tupper isn't even vocal (in mindvoice) and I'm already going to take it somewhere!!!1". Bah, just my brain feeding me bullshit, I know.