Those who know me, know me for my frequent, experimental ventures in the mental business. Now, I'm about to embark on yet another (ad)venture. But what sets this apart from the rest is that I'm actually making a thread about it. Amazing. Because I want to give you sorry bunch of 5-10 people maximum something to read.

Okay, so here goes. Ever since the last "grand experiment" of mine that involved belief implanting ended in March earlier this year, an inner guilt has been accumulating. And the reason for that guilt is because, as I've spent more and more time in this horrible community, I've come to regard its practice as the only thing left that can truly change me. It has changed me, yes, but not quite the way I originally envisioned. I've made no serious attempts to change myself ever since March. One day follows another, another week gone, another month. And believe it or not, that guilt has now manifested so hard that I, even if just temporarily, would like to be free from this body. I constantly have to worry about everything. Take care of everything to make sure this life proceeds in some kind of direction.

I want to be free. I don't want to chained to this body. It haunts me. I am confined to reality. I have nowhere else to go.

Which gets me to the core of this venture. I intend to dissociate myself from this body such that I can assume another I've imagined into existence, and feel safe in that body. Once more, I'm using belief implanting. When that's done, I'll also use said technique to create a loosely specified person that's better than me at administrating the body. I can't use parroting because that demands I know them inside out, but that would mean they'd only be as smart as me. That is a nightmare which I could not face.

Then work something out from there.

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1 November 2015

Woke up early. Was overcome with guilt and decided to create an ethereal, transparent body with a blue, foggy glow, into which I "channelled" my sense of self, and in turn turned the body typing this into a stranger. An agent of change. A tool that has to be maintained. Later re-read my chapter about belief implanting, and decided to use it, although I didn't want to speak. I simply said the words in my head. Nothing made me more joyful than the prospect of release from my constant fear.

My body became slightly numb. I felt slightly present in the body I created, which I eventually changed to be that of a girl I've had in my mind for a while, because I feel I can connect with her most of all. When I decided it was time to get up, I lay down into the physical body and opened my eyes. I felt paralysed; like I wasn't supposed to be able to move, and I adhered to this belief, until I forced myself to move the body around anyway. It was lethargic. A giant zombie with its joints. The torso was the heaviest part.

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2 November 2015

I act differently, rather purposefully. But I'm glad I do. I want to. It provides me with a bit of comfort. Something to retreat to. Something to which I can finally assign the real me. Imagining my real body as though it's the one interacting with the physical body's surroundings takes some time to get into. I forget to do it sometimes. But then again, I'm not interacting a lot at work; I sit on my arse and push buttons.

Thinking about it, having an imaginary form that's so different from mine kind of makes it easier to associate with it, because of how non-similar it is. Short, unlike this body, which is like 196 cm. Female, unlike you get the point. It's interesting to feel these emotions; to watch my demanour change. I don't want to go back. There's no other way but forward now. I've already with full, resolute determination decided that this is what I'll strive to do, at the very least within these next couple of months. I don't want to remain in my prison. I don't want to be trapped like this. I want to break the chain.

Already this was uncomfortable, and Stanley decided that as soon as he found a new space he felt safe in, that he would never leave it again in his life.

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Stay tuned for episode three gaben strikes back.

Later on. It's a long-term investment.

Yeah. I'm thinking all the crazy shit I've done must, at least in some way, be helping me in my current endeavour.

The physical body became numb slightly quicker than yesterday. When I was in my imaginary body this time, I ran for science. At first, I was in my room like all the other times. Then I decided to teleport myself to a landscape fit for running. It looked very much like this one.

Whilst running, I could feel an increased heart beat and sense of rush in the gut from the physical body, as if it were responding to me running using my imaginary body. But it makes sense, because I'm not 100% disconnected from the physical body; more like 50-75%. Similarly, when I wondered what might be below the grass, I decided to jump straight into the grass and end up swimming in a giant ocean that was hidden beneath. The water was cold, and I was running out of air, so I hurried to the surface again. Now I was wet and cold, and as a response, I could feel the physical body becoming more sensitive to the air of the fan in my room.

It helped a lot to simply think about the physical sensations, in favour of thinking about the visuals, and really exaggerating those physical sensations. Doing so made the experience feel stronger, even if there weren't any amazing visuals to speak of. Because I don't have super imagination.

I ran. I tripped multiple times trying to run on all fours. The physical body eventually let out a little gasp, as I ran as much as I could manage. Pardon my self-imposed limits; my thing for realism is too strong. Like the other times, it was slightly easier to keep focus on the physical sensations of my imaginary form and all the stuff that it was doing. Slow, but steady progress, which I'll say is better than the sporadical, sometimes-good-sometimes-shit progress I've always had with visuals.

I'll try riding a bicycle next time, unless people (read: that guy up north) have any other suggestions that would prove useful for science.

I like to keep it human for now. But I will try flying. Maybe I'll fly into a bird and have a traumatising experience. If it becomes too unrealistic for me, I'll fly an aeroplane or fling myself from a cliff.