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Messages - Jay

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Tulpa Diaries / Re: Yuli and Jay
« on: December 18, 2013, 10:36:19 PM »
Yuli's presence has been very faint today, but it's probably because I didn't force at all yesterday. I tend to completely avoid forcing on my days off from work despite having the most time to do it, and then I get back on track when the work week rolls back around, but I'm trying to change that by associating more things with my tulpas. Showers are one such thing that I strongly associate with Yuli, enough so that the image of her form shows up in my mind anyway; music is another, and I can't help but imagine her screaming the lyrics to a few songs.

So, with Yuli seemingly gone (or "sleeping/resting" as Lethal said), I did an active forcing session with Lethal, only I didn't realize it was her until half way through the session. At first she appeared to be Yuli, but kept answering my yes/no questions as to imply that she had changed her form. Flesh colored skin, human nose, shorter stature; she answered my questions until I asked what her name was, which she didn't give a response to, and asking her to write it didn't help much either (she wrote Lethal first, but then wrote Yuli). She finally revealed herself when I directly asked if she was Lethal. I think my negligence had made her desperate for attention. I believed that she's hardy and tenacious and all that, but it wasn't an excuse for favoritism of any kind.

Typical stuff I guess. Fake identities, cries for attention and love and generally screwing with my mind and any faith I have in their existence.

Tulpa Diaries / Re: Yuli and Jay
« on: December 17, 2013, 09:48:38 PM »

Good job.

I wish I had an image to accurately describe how I feel about this.

[Edit] This is the best I could come up with.

Tulpa Diaries / Re: Yuli and Jay
« on: December 15, 2013, 02:35:05 PM »
Active forced about 40 minutes, 8:40-9:20AM.

I began by visualizing Yuli's form in our wonderland house. While I was massaging her back, she reached from behind and hugged me. Then I visualized her doing different poses, kind of like nude modeling. Then I tried asking her some yes/no questions, but she only answered with no's or by not responding (things felt very sterile/blank, like I was just talking to an empty shell, not her). I decided to open my eyes and lay stomach down on my bed. This was around the 20 minute mark.

I shifted my attention to Lethal, who appeared lying to my right when I thought of her. We shared some of the dark chocolate/peppermint bark that I bought a few days ago -  she said it was good, but I still wonder how vivid it tastes compared to the real thing - while I asked her some yes/no questions; apparently, Yuli was resting, but that's only a feeling I had when I asked Lethal about her.

I turned my thoughts to Yuli, who appeared to Lethal's right, and had her taste the chocolate too. I tried the imaginary chocolate as well, but didn't taste anything (I haven't worked on imposing senses besides sight and touch). Yuli was able to answer some yes/no questions too, it seems like if the answer was more complex than yes/no, I received more of an abstract feeling or gist of what the answer was supposed to be. She didn't seem to remember posing in the wonderland house, but did remember hugging me.

Tulpa Diaries / Re: Yuli and Jay
« on: December 14, 2013, 11:38:43 AM »
It seems like I can go a few days without active forcing, but Yuli's presence will decrease until I begin to doubt who she is and whether she even exists. I just have to sit down for half an hour and visualize her form again and everything's good-to-go, doubt and all that negative stuff vanishing. Not that it's a healthy practice; I really should active force regularly, because passive forcing doesn't seem to be able to replace it.

I'm slowly getting better at drawing her form and can finally produce something that I'm somewhat happy with. Certain parts of her form, like her hair and feet, are still undecided for me, which makes it hard to visualize them on her, but she might know what they are. Once or twice she's batted my hand away while feeling out her form, telling me that I know her form and that I should stop doubting myself, so maybe her form is there and I just need to work on visualizing it more clearly.

If it means anything, sometimes, when my gaze drifts towards her lower half, she'll get my attention by telling me to look "up here" at her face. I'm thinking that she's sentient, but her ability to interact with me is limited by my perception of her. Maybe if I forced half as often as I thought I should I wouldn't have these doubts.

Tulpa Diaries / Re: Yuli and Jay
« on: December 03, 2013, 02:30:09 PM »
I was trying to figure out why my tulpas seemed distant. Turned out their forms were very different than the ones I thought they had while trying to visualize/talk with them. Yuli seems to be proportionately bigger than before and Lethal's form has changed to something that's not completely clear to me yet.

This isn't the first time I've experienced something like this, but I'm at a loss for an explanation as to why, besides assuming that it's my tulpas. It's just a little frustrating when I feel like I'm not really talking to them.

Just taking this whole tupla business one step at a time, even though it's been a about one year since I've started tulpaforcing in general. It feels like our progress flips between regression and breakthroughs.

Tulpa Diaries / Re: Yuli and Jay
« on: November 28, 2013, 03:00:10 PM »
It's been exactly one month since my last post, so I'll just start with the oldest news.

Lethal, my first tulpa, has returned after nearly five months, in a form very similar to the one that I believed she used before I crashed. While I believed that she was only sleeping/hibernating, I never expected her to return on her own, without any conscious decision on my part. However, because of my current involvement with Yuli as well as Lethal's own tenacity, I'm not going to keep close tabs on her for now.
Interestingly, Lethal seems excited to learn possession while Yuli's been content sharing experiences and senses in wonderland or imposed IRL. I'm not sure whether it's just because I haven't practiced possession much with either of them or their own desires.
I seem to be best at passive forcing while at work, probably because it's boring and requires very little thought, but at home I struggle with it. One thing I like to do with Yuli is sing along with her to music; despite her thought-voice not being apparently present, it's easy to visualize her lip-syncing with the lyrics. This is especially fun with rock/metal/punk music (Killswitch Engage, anyone?) where her and I switch between lead and back-up vocals, with her having preference for the lead, which often involves screaming her head off.

She could probably speak to me in a manly screamo singing voice better than a normal feminine one...

I've been using our wonderland more often this last month, remaking a house that I used shortly after I first began tulpaforcing. There's a small bedroom that I usually 'spawn' myself in where I do a counting exercise before forcing with my tulpas, andYuli's also keen of appearing next to me while I'm lying down on the bed. I'm glad to have at least some consistency when it comes to forcing. My visualization skills still leave something to be desired, and Yuli always appears to be larger and taller in wonderland, as if she wasn't tall enough while imposed IRL. Either way her height shifts from moment to moment, so it's likely just my visualization skills.

Tulpa Diaries / Re: Yuli and Jay
« on: October 28, 2013, 12:45:22 PM »
Last night before sleeping, I tried to have Yuli possess my hand. Not seeing any immediate results (which was silly of me to expect in the first place) I had her move on to my wrist and forearm, which, from my perspective, she was able to lift a few inches upward. This lasted only a few minutes, until it seemed like she couldn't move it anymore. Her presence quickly disappeared and was absent for the rest of the night. I was trying to do what Fede suggested in one of his posts: where one attempts to amplify the urge one feels while their tulpa tries moving their body part.

I just finished a session visualizing Yuli's form open-eyed. What I believe had originally led to her first change in form is the trouble I had trying to visualize it; it was much easier to visualize a shorter, slim figure than a taller one with more drastic curves. Fortunately, it feels much easier to visualize her form now, and being able to draw it decently helps too.

She slowly seems to be growing into her own self. While visualizing her I notice small "clips" where she seems to act automatically, whether it's moving or commenting on something that I'm thinking about, but prolonged activity while passive forcing is still a distant goal. We still have a long ways to go.

Tulpa Diaries / Re: Yuli and Jay
« on: October 27, 2013, 07:26:51 AM »
Fede's Eye-Bo, the Ocular Fitness Program

What have I done to myself.

Tulpa Diaries / Re: Yuli and Jay
« on: October 26, 2013, 08:59:05 PM »
The morning shift at work is becoming the most effective time to passive force. I'm awake and moving, and it's easy to focus on Yuli while I work; however, the quality of my passive forcing quickly declines as it nears noon, and doesn't seem to increase through the rest of the day. My sweet-spot for active and passive forcing has always been within two hours after I wake up. I'll see how forcing goes while I take a morning walk, once my weekend rolls around.

Within the last two days, Yuli seems to have become female again, and has returned to her original, tall form, even down to having four large fingers (including the thumb) instead of a human-like hand, which was one of the earliest changes made to her form. When I try to visualize her in her previous shorter form, she seems distant and inactive. As always, I don't know how permanent of a change this is. It might be more convenient to skip describing any form changes from now on, so long as my observations stay the same as those in this post.

Off-Topic / Re: MUSIC
« on: October 26, 2013, 07:20:48 PM »
The Dillinger Escape Plan makes interesting music, to say the least.

Tulpa Diaries / Re: Yuli and Fart
« on: October 25, 2013, 06:47:20 PM »

Spelling mistake or are you just trying to sway me with your hip, cool lingo?

Tulpa Diaries / Re: Yuli and Jay
« on: October 25, 2013, 06:44:38 PM »
Posts and replies are going to be pretty erratic. I post around the schedules of everyone else in the house because they're nosy as hell, and because I don't want to attempt to explain to them what tulpas are. Even to those who know I have a tulpa, I don't say anything; it's just too personal of an experience to talk about without sounding crazy.

Yuli's activity seems to be very dependent on how I'm feeling. If I'm awake and energized, he's much more spontaneous while passive forcing, and when I'm not he does very little. His form seems to have something to do with it too. Over the course of a few days his activity will decline, and then his form will noticeably change and he'll suddenly be spontaneous for a short amount of time. Again, this surge in activity doesn't last very long - a day at most - and must still be reinforced with active forcing. Maybe it's more noticeable because it is new: I've imagined a small dog before through open-eye visualization and it was very vibrant (for myself), but the idea of it and its form quickly faded within a few hours.

Until Yuli has a voice of his own, I'm going to have him read with me. I'll keep his face within eyesight and parrot his mouth movements in sync with reading the text. Hopefully this will get me somewhere.

Nah, I've never had an account at and I figured there wasn't really a point in me making one. The website already has a sizable amount of traffic in terms of its users and what they post, so chances are every question and discussion had already been answered. I'm sure any regular there has seen the same newbie first-time thread in the Questions sub-forum a dozen times.

That said, the few that are here seem to be a decent bunch. Hosts can have crazy experiences and still be believable in their PRs, but there comes a point when I have to wonder whether they're making it up or they're just being ridiculous for the sake of it.

Will do. Perhaps your method and Fede's Eye-Bo, the Ocular Fitness Program will become the only guides I'll find worth following.

Tulpa Diaries / Yuli and Jay
« on: October 24, 2013, 11:17:10 AM »
Some background information. I discovered through mlpforums around November 2012 and soon after began working on my first tulpa. Around the seven month mark, I completely gave up working on her because of doubt in our progress, but I don't blame my tulpa; I went into tulpamancing with blind faith and didn't really have a system of belief that worked for me and paid the price for that. Pretty sure she was vocal too. After giving myself a few weeks to regain some emotional stability and confidence, I decided it would be best to start fresh with a new tulpa.

My second and current tulpa, Yuli, is based off of an artist's original character of the same name. While Yuli was originally female, >6'2" and chubby, he soon changed to be approximately 5'9" and lean, and now seems to occasionally change between being male, female or androgynous while keeping the same form. This has been very different from my first tulpa, who's form appeared to change often despite her gender staying female.

Let's see, about where I stand right now. I'm a long-time lurker, new-time poster. Posting about my tulpas has always been something I've tried to avoid; it makes me feel detached from my tulpas and our progress, like I'm reading some shitty novel. Or maybe it's because mlpforum's tulpa thread is just some e-penis measuring contest about how totally cray-cray your tulpa can be. Hopefully this can become a turning point for myself. Having a somewhat productive activity that I can involve my tulpa in would be nice.

Yuli seems to be able to answer yes/no questions through head movement as well as basic phrases through feelings/wordless thoughts, although sometimes she seems to only choose one answer just for the sake of it. Besides that she doesn't seem especially active unless I completely concentrate on him. I plan to start parroting him to actually say yes/no along with moving his mouth, I just have to decide whether to use my own voice or to find one. His form is practically finished, so I'm working on consistency and detail in my visualization. I still suck at it, however, so Fede's Eye-Bo, the Ocular Fitness Program will surely be helpful, I just need a good excuse for watching such weird stuff. It's not a fad, it's a way of life, ocular fitness and all that. Maybe I should just refer to Yuli as an it until he stops changing gender.

Finding a gender-neutral voice would be a great start. Any ideas?

What I'd like to improve:
  • Concentration - I lose concentration around the 30 minute mark.
  • Visualization - Clarity and detail. I want the quality of my visualization to be consistent whether active/passive forcing, close- or open-eyed. I'll look into Fede's Eye-Bo, the Ocular Fitness Program.
  • Passive Focus - Be able to include and talk to/with my tulpa throughout the day. I want him to be present with me when possible, in wonderland when not.

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