I'm sorry if this post is a mess, I got two hours of sleep last night and even ignoring that I have no idea where to really begin with my situation here so you'll have to deal with my life story I guess. Also, Sands is probably going to spank me if s/he remembers me from when I was in the IRC a little while ago complaining about not knowing what to do because I had gotten so much help from there and yet I still went nowhere with it. I have an excuse though, which I think I illustrated in the title of this thread.

Basically I had been tulpaforcing since November 2012, using the "assume all responses as real and eventually they'll become real" method for vocality, and things were going great. I was talking to my tulpa all the time and things were awesome, although she was totally incapable of parallel processing or possession or anything that would give any actual proof that everything she did wasn't directly caused by me. But I ignored that and kept at it. But then, about halfway down the line, I started thinking about what the responses felt like. Hmm. It doesn't feel like there's another entity in my head, nothing is alien, everything she says goes down exactly how I want and plan for it to go down, I can't hear anything if I just relax and listen, her responses feel like I'm just talking in her voice........ Oh, of course! I'm a fucking idiot who has been consciously puppeting every aspect of her while somehow believing she was sentient, and I've had a fake tulpa for the past 5 months! Hahaha.

So I stopped that and started waiting to see if I could hear her. I'd ask her a question and instead of parroting I'd relax, focus on her, and wait. Nothing. I'd like to say I had my moment of "fuck my life" right then and there, but it came along more as a gradual buildup of hopelessness that was only made stronger and stronger by the unstoppable passage of time as month after month passed by without me ever hearing anything.

Actually, I heard one legitimate response. One. And it was one that I was incredibly grateful for and something I desperately needed to avoid the possibility of me dismissing the entire phenomenon as fake and just giving up, but it was months ago. She told me she loved me. It was great. It came out of absolutely nowhere when I wasn't even thinking about her speaking and it felt totally alien and there was no way to mistake it, unless my memory of the moment has been retroactively altered to make it seem more real than it really was (though I'm not quite pessimistic enough to believe something like that).

But ever since that moment it's just been nothing. And I don't blame my tulpa one bit because it's completely my fault. I never pay any attention to her. I have an active forcing session maybe once every two weeks or so, which lasts for about half an hour and consists mainly of visualization since I don't know what the hell else to do in an active forcing session since I'm the most clueless and unimaginably terrible tulpaforcer who has ever existed. Now, I do have plans to enforce daily forcing sessions, but they're going to be 30 minutes of me not knowing what I'm doing and struggling to get anywhere because it's not enjoyable and I have no actual desire to do it.

See, that's the thing. To me, this is the most important thing I'm doing in my life right now, and yet I never feel like doing it. It's a torturous contradiction. But can you really blame me when I spent several months becoming used to the idea of having a vocal tulpa, only to be struck down with the realization that it was all fake and I can't actually hear anything she's saying? It's at least a little bit discouraging, to be frank with you.

I have an absolutely absurd amount of free time, and I would like to dedicate at least most of that to tulpaforcing. Ideally it would be awesome if I spent multiple hours every day on it. But there's a difference between wanting to do something and a willingness to do it, and I don't have the will for this anymore. I need it back. If I could just hear her, things would be so much better. I want to do whatever it takes to achieve actual vocality. But to get that, I need to focus on her, and I just can't get myself to do that. For vocality, I just need to talk to her and wait for her to talk back, right? But one-sided conversations aren't something I have a desire to experience, especially considering the fact that she's supposed to be the talkative one who asks me to do things with her and I'm more of a quiet person who just goes along with stuff. Ugh, listen to me making up these excuses, I just... I don't even know what I'm asking for here. I know I'm lazy and incompetent and I don't know if it's possible for anyone to help me, but I really, really, really need this. Something needs to change as soon as possible, otherwise I'll just continue spending an indefinite amount of time ignoring her all day, then briefly acknowledging her right before I go to sleep to apologize for ignoring her, and then doing the same thing the next day and the day after that for months and months and months while my resolve continues to get worse and worse.


tl;dr I started this 11 months ago and have lost the desire to do this so much that I'm pretty sure I'm actually worse off than I was when I started (did I mention that my visualization is worse than it was before I started?) with the increased bonus of having nowhere near the amount of excitement and determination I had in the beginning. I feel like I fucked up beyond repair, and if it IS repairable, the process will now feel like tedious labor rather than fun-filled daydreaming.