Whoa, you actually came back. Gud job there man, keep it up.
Seems to be going well for you except for the emotions bit, for which you could try some parallel processing exercises. I don't really remember any right now though. Sands may know some. You could also resort to symbolism, but eh, I don't have much experience with that either.
And don't worry, Mr. Russian Bot will soon enough notice you, since he registers accounts every day.

Ahh, fuck the format, too cheesy and hard to write especially when I don't feel like it.
So yeah, back to basics; Day 55
Went outside, got a chair and off to visualization exercises. Ugh, very poor, but well, at least I tried. I also did some narration while walking. Total; 35 minutes (I didn't time it, tupper says it was that).

I have also realized that I'm becoming the Pleeb part 2 or something. Yeah, I hope I'm not in trouble for linking to the other website. Whatever.

Hi guys, I'm thickheaded

Yes.

I've constantly questioned "What am I doing wrong?" or "What did they do that I haven't?

Check.

"See, I just started thinking about that, then you said it, so you see how this could be subconscious parrot...."

Check.

it still didn't 'click'

SO MUCH THIS.

Fuck, what the heck do I need to stop holding back? At this point, it's just doubt that it's "there", and it comes and goes. Yesterday was an excellent day if I may add, we had the longest conversation we ever had, and heck I even daydreamed for a bit (2 minutes because I'm a paranoid dude that in any moment someone would open the door and "hey what you doing staring at nothing smiling?"). And yet, here I am like a pro, posting about how I still can't believe that it's her. Fuck my life. There have been so many signs of sentience and yet, "wow maybe this is all a fake omg I need drugs omg I can't force omg low hourcount omg my visuals are shit omg I should forget this business and keep being "normal" again"...

I guess I should force more then. But how? Fake physical sickness so I can be left in peace for a while? Lock myself in my room (well, not happening, they'll be all like "wow he was depressed he sucided omg call tha polizei")?
I don't know really, and at this moment it looks like I'm just stirring shit up just for kicks. But I need... a schedule maybe? A mentor? Something that reminds me "hey fagget, force time, do it GOGOGO" (other than Habitica-style "do this today or your virtual character will receive damage because it doesn't work for forcing somehow)? Who knows. I have never been that good fighting procrastination (wow, no one cares bro, I hear you all saying; you're right, what sets me apart from over 9000 tulpamancers who give it a shot for two months, force 5 minutes per week and then complain that "omg no tupper plz circlejerk with me so I can feel better?"). Well, I want to fix shit up of course. It's the least I can do, since I started it.

Q;
1. Any ideas for getting some time for forcing? What could I tell people that I'm doing while "forcing" without them knowing? I know "whoa bro you want us to do all your heavylifting, spoon-feeding you a schedule and everything, you should have seen it coming before making tuppers, go fuck you are self and have a nice day :>>>", but I am at a loss right now (more like, choking in worry so much I can't see the exit or the light or whatever)... I mean, I guess when you're a shut in that does nothing but stay on his room all day without weird shit going on, and that never leaves having someone check on you every so often isn't bad at all and may even keep you sane, but when you want to go from that to someone who wants for example to actually go outside, be in the sun or hell even just blindfold myself and "force more" it definitely raises suspicion, especially when people around you have mental diseases (depression particularly) it's only natural that "omg he also has it wow it does run in the family lets keep an eye on him"-type responses would happen.
Going to sleep early has put my mother on "watchful" mode already... Yeah, "hey, are you alright?" every day, "you have been going to sleep too early..."; I understand the underlying worry, but for this enterprise, I NEED TO FORCE MORE OMG. Waking up early has been fine so far, although on days like today I just went back to bed. And well, it hasn't really pumped up my forcing count as much as I thought it would do...

2. Ah, forget it. I was going to put something along the lines of "how can I be sure it's really tupper talking" or "how do I dissipate doubt" but at this point I have received pretty much all advice I could ask for and the ball's now on my court and I gotta solve it on my own. Yeah. Probably. Even then, if you can be bothered, please write something I may have not thought of. Thank you in advance.

Fucking blogpost man... but where else I can put this stuff anyway?

Okay, hourcounts are controversial but here goes, starting now I'll do a loose hourcount (not counting passive narration forcing):
Total time since 12/20/2015: 521 minutes (8.68 hours)

Bonus message from my tupper because why not: Hey fellas, hope you're doing alright, unlike my host that's drowning in worry and can't see a damn because of it. Thanks for your continued support!
^ she knows what's up, really. Seems not to be bothered by it. Some other excerpts:
>Yeah, the only one doubting here is you. I know what I am, but do you?
>Worry never fixes anything.
>I'm not going anywhere, remember that even when you're all "wow no tulpaforcing pressure, omg no reply to question time for panic!"
>Just keep going and it'll get better.

So, who here likes cats? Oh wait, I think there's a thread for that already.

Oh well, I guess I'm alive so that's cool haha. Also, my solar watch's battery went from high to medium charge, so that means I haven't had sunlight in a good while ^{even though I haven't been on the IRC like I used to}.

Also, how's the musik production going Enny? Are you Marteen Garlics 2 yet?

Not that I know of.
Although he did seemed to be having some... issues with his self. Maybe^{I'm no armchair psychologist at all.}

I intend to dissociate myself from this body such that I can assume another I've imagined into existence, and feel safe in that body.

So yeah, either:
a) he's made a breakthrough and doesn't want to know about tuppers anymore
b) he fucked up and is now stuck somewhere on his mind
c) he's trolling and will be back^{most likely option to be honest}
Also:

Use of my computer will be limited to now and then checking the e-mail, and checking whether Minecraft 1.9 is out yet so I can get the server started.

Maybe he wanted less distractions?

Day 53; witty title goes here

---

In today's edition: we open with a quote from some part of the internet:

Creativity is born of pain. It's true. Think of the most amazing artists and musicians you know –have any of them lived perfect lives? Doubtful. Allow yourself to dream up something big – a goal you want to reach, a diagnosis you want to overcome, a level of contentment you'd like to reach – and begin to see yourself achieving it. Relish how good it feels to imagine it, and know that you’re going to make it real.

ACT I; LONELY AT THE MOUNTAIN TOP 2: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO
After almost drowning in self-pity, anger and a whole mind-numbing amount of negativity yesterday, I decided to go to sleep early because why not.
Before dozing off, I told my tulpa to keep trying to enter my dreams somehow, to use any means possible to communicate (head pressures, mindvoice, whatever, but do it!) and that I won't be stopping this EVER (lol, saying it this much seems to set me up for failure somehow, but I want to keep reinforcing this belief until it's not a belief, but a way of living).

Exciting stuff ahead:
So there, I went to bed at 20:30 and by 21:00 I was already dreaming. Guess what happened. Straight from my dream log:

After waking up, I had my tulpa in my mind instantly, effortlessly even. I asked about four times (wow, much doubt, still overcoming, may I succeed) if it was her. Yes. And effectively, that "rushing" feeling was from her excitement at being inside my dream finally.
We talked for about 30 minutes after that, and wow, she's still reassuring me I'm doing fine, that doubt is normal, that even when I can't "hear" (yeah, no mindvoice but message-like communication) she's there, always listening. Much feels were had after that. I still can't believe it happened. Gotta work on that. That brings me to...

ACT II; WE'RE GOING TO USING SOME OF FODDE'S BELIEF IMPLANTING NANOTECHNOLOGY
Because it's really worth a shot. If Fede was able to kill his self dissociate his body using a bunch of that, I'm pretty sure I'll be able to have doubt pushed back to healthy levels using that. Wish us luck.

ACT III; STILL FORCING
Today's active hypnosis session was "short and sweet", 30 minutes max but was unusually enjoyable. Yes, there's still a nagging doubt behind all of this which has been biasing all of this and probably not making me progress as much as it should, but it doesn't matter, because the more I keep doing this in spite of having this doubt, the more it will eventually fade away.

ACT IV; THERE'S NO IV TODAY
And I might visit the IRC again... hopefully I don't waste all day trying to counter Sands' frt stuff.

BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE!
Yes. I made this slick graph showing our progress [original format do not steal please, rate and comment if you'd like]:

Your tupper had the right idea.

Your tupper had the right idea.

Your tupper.

had the right idea.

I CANT BELIEVE IM THIS RETARDED



Seriously, what a fucking loser excuse of a host...



Okay, with that out of the way, let's see:

Well yeah, there's no magic switch or thing to do to make doubts go away. You also shouldn't be sad or angry that you're having doubts, because they're perfectly natural. And hell, the more you think it will hurt your progress, the more it actually will, because our minds are stupid. But just because doubts exist doesn't mean that you can't do something. How often have you thought something along the lines of "I can't believe that worked"? Would you say that if you hadn't doubted that it was going to work, and didn't it just work even though you were sure it didn't?

Your tupper had the right idea. Even if it doesn't sound very nice, in a way yeah, they do have to earn the trust. That's what the absence of disbelief is all about, trying to not make decisions before you finally start trusting the tupper for real instead of trying to force trust to magically appear, which can easily backfire later.

Acknowledge your doubts, calm yourself down and just be like. Nah. I'll keep doing this other thing because I like it.


re: curtains: you don't just go to the store and buy white curtains. You go to the store to buy blackout curtains, which come in various colors. Hanging them up is not an issue, because again, your room and if you think something looks ugly then you can change it. Who would be against a new, fancy curtain rod? It's not rocket science. Some kind of installation is required if you go for roller shades, which are pretty good.

At least I'm hoping you don't have concrete walls. You kinda need a diamond drill bit for that.

I have been keeping the "wow this was fucking harmful let's go back to shitposting all day" mindset out by constantly reinforcing and saying "MR BONES WILD RIDE NEVER ENDS". If my brain can be that stupid, so can I.

Okay, I'll guess I'll distract myself a bit from this anger. I'll think of something.
"Yeah, I doubted real bad there, lets carry on."
am i doing this right?

I don't think I have ever seen such thing as blackout curtains since I visited the place my grandparents used to rent back in 2003. Man, those things were heavy. Opening them in the morning made such noise that it could drown out speech.

Yes, it's my room, but they don't want me messing with the curtains that face the street. If you remember, my grandfather is quite unique in that regard.
Who would be against a new and fancy curtain rod? He would be. It would go like:
>Hey gramps, I want to put a new curtain rod in my room.
Okay.
>So, uh, I'll have to drill--
WHAT
>I'll have to drill--
NO, WHAT WILL THE NEIGHBORS THINK? NO, THAT CURTAIN ROD HAS SERVED US WELL, LEAVE THAT ONE YEAH WE DON'T NEED A NEW CURTAIN ROD

and then he quickly retreats to his room

Besides, you were correct. The walls are concrete. I have a hammer drill for that. It works, but last time I used I had to wait until gramps wasn't around because he vehemently opposes making any, as small as it might be, inconvenience to the neighbors who have a non-working 2004 Renault Clio parked outside OUR HOUSE that has been already robbed out of pretty much anything and people have repeatedly told him that that thing looks very shady and attracts thieves but he gives in because no reason and because "wow neighbors much respect many do what you want" attitude.

On an unrelated note, head pressures still there. Yay, I guess I'm doing something right at least!