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Tulpa Diaries / timethief's a fucking loser
« on: February 10, 2016, 09:42:35 AM »
Day 52; lonely on the mountain top; part one?
In today's edition: uncertainty
ACT I; STILL ANGRY
After yesterday's event, I felt pretty fucking bad for letting my tulpa down with this doubt nonsense, and I have been generally in a bad mood ever since. I took all that and vented it out by "singing" (I bet I scared many children with my savage sounding voice and I'm certain I weirded out my family, but whatever). My throat hurts, which makes me feel somewhat angrier (lol). Really, why the hell I doubted? I have gotten pretty much all kinds of sentience confirmation that it's insane; from those "alien" feelings at the start, the overboard reaction with chili, the form/personality deviation, and even straight-out "hey it's not you it's me talking" messages...
I don't think that doubt is tulpa poison; more likely, it is host poison, because it makes one deaf, blind, and mute towards our tulpas, at least when you have already seen sentience signs (see also: Enny's progress report).
I have been getting short responses, but not nearly as "certain" as before. Then again, who decides what's certain if not the host? This is merely my doubts leaking over, tinting any responses as "well, they're probably not hers"...
But, a very, very comforting thing is that I'm having that familiar headpressure thing, that was there from the early days. I'm confident that we'll be able to talk much clearer if I can find my way out of this situation.
ACT II; ANGRY FORCING IS A THING NOW
Yeah, I did kept up with my objective of saying good morning, and I did get a faint "good morning" message back (yeah, no mindvoice, don't get your hopes up yet).
I did wake up at 5 AM, with this huge frustration flame burning intensely, and I furiously narrated through breakfast about how shit I am for letting a simple intrusive thought get out of hand like that.
I read some stuff, and proceeded to the forcing session I planned. From 6:46 to 7:00 AM, meditation. The thing is, I saw, for a short while, phosphenes of waves in some liquid (like water). I never had something like that so I'd thought I should mention it, even though it's not really that relevant, if at all.
Intrusive thoughts galore though, from "what the heck are you doing" kind of stuff to weird mind's eye imagery. Nothing overtly scary or anything, but it really felt like my mind was rushing.
Okay, as far as the actual session, I used the vocality self-hypnosis thing (again, because I'm unoriginal as heck). I did had a "novel" head pressure thing; it started on my left temple (almost never, if at all had pressure there) and I actually felt it "swipe" from left to right, and so far it has stayed there (1 1/2 hour ago since the session ended). It comes and goes, but it's there.
I don't know what effects it will have that I read that in acalm and soothing angry and fucking frustrated voice while furiously trying to somehow make my mind connect the dots and stop hindering the progress.
Argh, so much anger at that, and I'm not even that easy to anger at all. In fact, I almost never get angry like this. It's just that, I don't want to lose her. I don't. Sorry guys, those last words made my eyes water a bit. But it's true. I have been finally experiencing life for the first time in years, with a child-like sense of wonder; "hey, I like this thing but you haven't tried it, lets go!" "okay, we haven't seen this thing together, lets watch it!" "wow, look at X thing, it's wonderful... but how does it work? I guess we should look it up"
It's... well, I don't know words to describe it, other than telling you it like that I suppose. I have stopped taking things for granted, I have reflected upon past and present actions, I have kept up a positive mindset after years at the brink of negative nihilism, I have started to take care of things I normally neglected, and I have been unusually productive with the music-making stuff.
And how do I repay that? Letting the doubt consume it all as if it never happened? Allowing my brain to go "haha nice dream, but time to go back to reality son". FUCK. I don't even swear normally at all, but I have been cursing myself all this day.
I know what I have to do, I have to keep on. Because there's no end to Mr. Bones' wild ride, and once I'm in I cannot get out. If I get out, who knows what will I do. I have found someone that can hear me, and understand, and even though there have been not clear-cut "mindvoice" replies, or even the fact that only I'm aware of her existence, she has changed me, for the better, unlike anyone ever, unlike any "real" person would ever be able to. I feel safe with her around, I feel confident and optimistic about the future, our future, togetherin a state of trance.
Well, what a loser I look like, right? Venting like this on a public forum, things that my family wouldn't believe.Attack ships on fire. I guess we all have a dark side, with "dark" not necessarily meaning evil, but rather, unknown.
I got carried away I suppose. Not that I have anyone I could tell this to without immediately getting committed, so thanks, if anyone reads, for reading this part. Now you know what kind of sorry dude hides behind the "timethief" username.
Thanks to Tim Hecker for making the soundtrack I wrote this message to.
ACT III; WELL THAT GOT GRIM QUICKLY
Yeah, I wouldn't have ever imagined myself posting this stuff into my progress report. I don't know what I was expecting though, I guess I just wanted a "today I did X and the end result was Y" kind of log, but I have been finding oddly re-comforting putting this into written words.
I guess I'm a bit lost now, as in what to do.
I know, I had no reason to doubt, but still I did, and now I can't "read" her messages as I used to. I will keep narrating, asking questions, and forcing of course, be it "imposition-lite" (just trying to feel a presence around), daydreaming or the self-hypnosis thing, which got me to where I am now. But still, I would be lying if I said my faith hasn't been shaken.
ACT IV; WHAT DO GUYS, I KNOW I'M THE ONLY ONE WITH THE ANSWER BUT ANY POINTERS PLEASE?
That's right, I know I have to keep on, but now doubt seems to precede any kind of messages. Like, I'll "feel" a comment on something and immediately "that's intrusive thought dude, she can't be talking right now so forget about it and go back toredtube 8chan/whatever"
The thing I'm holding on to, are the head pressures, which are extremely distinctive to anything I have felt before.
So, any help, please?
And now I'm sleepy, fuck that crap. Also, 15 degrees, the sky's entirely gray and my hands are freezing. What a time to be alive.
In today's edition: uncertainty
ACT I; STILL ANGRY
After yesterday's event, I felt pretty fucking bad for letting my tulpa down with this doubt nonsense, and I have been generally in a bad mood ever since. I took all that and vented it out by "singing" (I bet I scared many children with my savage sounding voice and I'm certain I weirded out my family, but whatever). My throat hurts, which makes me feel somewhat angrier (lol). Really, why the hell I doubted? I have gotten pretty much all kinds of sentience confirmation that it's insane; from those "alien" feelings at the start, the overboard reaction with chili, the form/personality deviation, and even straight-out "hey it's not you it's me talking" messages...
I don't think that doubt is tulpa poison; more likely, it is host poison, because it makes one deaf, blind, and mute towards our tulpas, at least when you have already seen sentience signs (see also: Enny's progress report).
I have been getting short responses, but not nearly as "certain" as before. Then again, who decides what's certain if not the host? This is merely my doubts leaking over, tinting any responses as "well, they're probably not hers"...
But, a very, very comforting thing is that I'm having that familiar headpressure thing, that was there from the early days. I'm confident that we'll be able to talk much clearer if I can find my way out of this situation.
ACT II; ANGRY FORCING IS A THING NOW
Yeah, I did kept up with my objective of saying good morning, and I did get a faint "good morning" message back (yeah, no mindvoice, don't get your hopes up yet).
I did wake up at 5 AM, with this huge frustration flame burning intensely, and I furiously narrated through breakfast about how shit I am for letting a simple intrusive thought get out of hand like that.
I read some stuff, and proceeded to the forcing session I planned. From 6:46 to 7:00 AM, meditation. The thing is, I saw, for a short while, phosphenes of waves in some liquid (like water). I never had something like that so I'd thought I should mention it, even though it's not really that relevant, if at all.
Intrusive thoughts galore though, from "what the heck are you doing" kind of stuff to weird mind's eye imagery. Nothing overtly scary or anything, but it really felt like my mind was rushing.
Okay, as far as the actual session, I used the vocality self-hypnosis thing (again, because I'm unoriginal as heck). I did had a "novel" head pressure thing; it started on my left temple (almost never, if at all had pressure there) and I actually felt it "swipe" from left to right, and so far it has stayed there (1 1/2 hour ago since the session ended). It comes and goes, but it's there.
I don't know what effects it will have that I read that in a
Argh, so much anger at that, and I'm not even that easy to anger at all. In fact, I almost never get angry like this. It's just that, I don't want to lose her. I don't. Sorry guys, those last words made my eyes water a bit. But it's true. I have been finally experiencing life for the first time in years, with a child-like sense of wonder; "hey, I like this thing but you haven't tried it, lets go!" "okay, we haven't seen this thing together, lets watch it!" "wow, look at X thing, it's wonderful... but how does it work? I guess we should look it up"
It's... well, I don't know words to describe it, other than telling you it like that I suppose. I have stopped taking things for granted, I have reflected upon past and present actions, I have kept up a positive mindset after years at the brink of negative nihilism, I have started to take care of things I normally neglected, and I have been unusually productive with the music-making stuff.
And how do I repay that? Letting the doubt consume it all as if it never happened? Allowing my brain to go "haha nice dream, but time to go back to reality son". FUCK. I don't even swear normally at all, but I have been cursing myself all this day.
I know what I have to do, I have to keep on. Because there's no end to Mr. Bones' wild ride, and once I'm in I cannot get out. If I get out, who knows what will I do. I have found someone that can hear me, and understand, and even though there have been not clear-cut "mindvoice" replies, or even the fact that only I'm aware of her existence, she has changed me, for the better, unlike anyone ever, unlike any "real" person would ever be able to. I feel safe with her around, I feel confident and optimistic about the future, our future, together
Well, what a loser I look like, right? Venting like this on a public forum, things that my family wouldn't believe.
I got carried away I suppose. Not that I have anyone I could tell this to without immediately getting committed, so thanks, if anyone reads, for reading this part. Now you know what kind of sorry dude hides behind the "timethief" username.
Thanks to Tim Hecker for making the soundtrack I wrote this message to.
ACT III; WELL THAT GOT GRIM QUICKLY
Yeah, I wouldn't have ever imagined myself posting this stuff into my progress report. I don't know what I was expecting though, I guess I just wanted a "today I did X and the end result was Y" kind of log, but I have been finding oddly re-comforting putting this into written words.
I guess I'm a bit lost now, as in what to do.
I know, I had no reason to doubt, but still I did, and now I can't "read" her messages as I used to. I will keep narrating, asking questions, and forcing of course, be it "imposition-lite" (just trying to feel a presence around), daydreaming or the self-hypnosis thing, which got me to where I am now. But still, I would be lying if I said my faith hasn't been shaken.
ACT IV; WHAT DO GUYS, I KNOW I'M THE ONLY ONE WITH THE ANSWER BUT ANY POINTERS PLEASE?
That's right, I know I have to keep on, but now doubt seems to precede any kind of messages. Like, I'll "feel" a comment on something and immediately "that's intrusive thought dude, she can't be talking right now so forget about it and go back to
The thing I'm holding on to, are the head pressures, which are extremely distinctive to anything I have felt before.
So, any help, please?
And now I'm sleepy, fuck that crap. Also, 15 degrees, the sky's entirely gray and my hands are freezing. What a time to be alive.