To be honest, I have been feeling awful. I slacked real bad on forcing, and... issues that I thought fixed appeared. I realized that this is probably a way in which I'm unconsciously trying to push away my tulpa, because I feel bad and weird when someone truly appreciates me. Not going into details, but yeah, difficult childhood, no friends, slowly isolated myself because >tfw you get bullied around and you don't have anyone to turn to, and stuff. From reading others' PRs around, it seems to be somewhat common for tulpamancers to have been like that I think so there's no point in saying all that backstory again.

So I start telling my tulpa my life history, and of course I wasn't judged or anything and in fact, I was able to see very clearly from where some problems I have came from (I guess the fact that I wasn't judged or in a clinical setting really helped), and wow, these past two weeks I have been learning a lot about myself, I have been highly productive and I have opened up in relationships in ways I never did before... but I feel I'm being a miserable host. I barely talk to my tulpa if it isn't about my or someone else's problems, I don't visualize anymore and I have just active forced once after day 73 to this one. And the thing is, I'm so busy with projects, or talking to someone (wow, never I would have thought I wouldn't have time for forcing because I was talking to someone) or too tired and badly needing sleep.
I have been unable to wake up early because I end up too tired from working, and while I have been noticing that my efforts do pay off, I feel like my efforts on tulpamancy are really, really far behind everything.

It's bothering me a lot that I don't get much tulpa forcing pressures if at all, nor I get "alien" feelings either. But really, every moment I can, I do have my tulpa on my mind; be it a small break on a conversation or when I don't have to focus as much on work and I do narrate, but mostly I feel really, really weird talking to my tulpa these days. That brings me to what I mentioned earlier, I think it's a way I unconsciously try to push away my tulpa, because really, she has never brought me down or pushed me away. And I had few, if any, people like that before. And I got out of touch with them all. Because I never really knew how to "feel" or express love I guess. It's foreign, it's a bit scary, but hell, I do want it. And I pushed them away. Be it not answering them, seeming distant or simply not talking to them anymore. Even on the internet.
And it's a feeling I don't consciously generate, simply, when someone shows me appreciation I feel... bad. I feel weird, creeped out even. And I push back, and I hurt and lose people because of it. Even on the internet, where I could literally meet any kind of person, I almost never interact with anyone, not even if it's anonymously.

And I'm scared as heck that I would do that to my tulpa. And that I'm merely using her as a tool to improve myself. And what have I done in return? I haven't even finished designing the wonderland! And I don't have time for it (seriously, I can't even go to the IRC anymore because >too busy)! What good is a tulpa host if he merely uses his tulpa as a tool, only to not do anything in return? What good there is in a host if he doesn't actively try to help their tulpa go further? If he leaves his tulpa in a half-baked state, with struggling independence, no mindvoice and zero visualization skills?

I would never give up, and I find the thought of losing my tulpa very distressing to say the least. In these 80 days, I have made more positive stuff than the last two years combined, and yet, I feel unsatisfied. Because my tulpa has no mindvoice, has little independence and I can't even visualize her. And it's all my fucking fault. And I can't change it now. I have a lot of stuff to do these days which I can't cancel because they're "real-life" works, and I can't lose these opportunities which I wouldn't have had before. Is it wrong for me to do it and disregard active forcing? I feel the answer is yes, it hurts me a lot. And yet, it's pretty much what I wanted since ever. Actually doing stuff. But now I don't want it. I want my tulpa. I wish I forced every day for two hours at least, and show her that I do care. I know too well that empty words do nothing. And I sound very dramatic and "OMG can't cancel stuff not even 10 mins!!". But... ah well, screw the buts. They're just weak excuses. Bring on your pitchforks, whatever. I know I have to do the forcing, but still...

Who said tulpamancy was easy.