Hello + welcome to the thread in which I will
hopefully document most of my travels into
the nuthouse the world of tulpas
and maybe get a daily "force moar" badge from Sands.
Once upon a time So I found about this tulpa thing by following this, erm, interesting thread on 8ch
https://archive.is/A3kA1 in which some poor fella found himself having repeated encounters with a nightmare, or something... In any case, someone mentioned a phenomena (?) by the name of "psycho-anima", and well, from there a boring afternoon of looking for a new processor for my laptop turned into an extensive reading session about tulpas
no, this is not so I can have my own sex-seeking nightmare 3.14qt, if anyone (Fede probably) was wondering that.
After extensive
like, headache-inducing mind-bogging reading I got started on December 20th. I'm not really following any guide, instead taking bits from here and there and assembling everything into something that makes sense
at least for me.
I believe I selected an image as a reference for my tulpa's shape, got about 3 or 4 traits, made a wonderland and went to town (figuratively speaking). I'm following Sands' absence of disbelief
brand line of thought so I can avoid making mistakes on that front as much as possible (or something).
Uh, so on day one, it was mostly a truckload (more like, a boatload or something, pretty much all day) of narration, in which I basically told my tupper why it's on our best interests to be together and stuff. I kept reading guides while explaining them to my tulpa and also trying to make sense of them myself. We went out to eat together (neat, first day and we're already going places and shit) and I tried to somehow convey the taste of the food while I commented to her about what was happening around. Noteworthy happenings include involuntary movement of my right hand while falling asleep (did not feel like one of those myoclonic twitches that sometimes happen, since it was finely coordinated like when one would move one's hand voluntarily, except that I didn't initiate the movement); barely lasted a second but was unusual.
On day two, I woke up early and proceeded to put some background music while I laid down on my bed. I imagined my tupper beside me, while we chatted a bit. I imagined how her presence would feel, her weight against the mattress... For about 20 minutes.
Pretty much day-long narration, surprisingly bringing me a sense of calmness. I guess that, if I didn't exactly feel a physical presence per se, it felt like someone was really listening.
At night I decided to try so-called active forcing. I put a rain+fireplace loop on my speakers, and so I went about it. I imagined myself entering the
Matrix wonderland, seeing everything around (it was raining, so I guess at least the loop did it's job), and I proceeded to walk towards the house in the wonderland. To be honest, I can't keep up a very consistent image of that house or the surroundings. I was sure I wanted some armchairs in the porch of the house but they're never there. Also, no consistent image of the door, the doorknob or the landscape either.
Anyway, I somehow made it to the house and entered. I pictured my tulpa to the best of my
abilities imagination and I went imaginating with just about every sense I could manage to invoke her, in the most holistic possible. I pictured her skeleton, muscles, everything
yeah including the naughty bits, this ain't a barbie doll tupper bro. Afterwards I left her in a bed on the wonderland and I left. 25 minutes passed on the physical world.
Her presence pretty much vanished after that (lolwut). Did not discourage me or anything, I just thought it was odd.
Physical reactions included very warm hands and a sense of tranquility (yay for first meditation session I guess).
Noteworthy happenings of the second day include a very interesting reaction I got. You see, I'm really a fan of chilli and hot sauces and I have been consuming them on a daily basis since I was two years old. Naturally I have a high tolerance for it now. Well, that day I started eating my cheese sandwich (with hot sauce of course) and whoa, I kid you not, it felt so fucking intense that my hands and face went numb for a good two minutes. Needless to say, this is my third day without hot sauce in probably my entire life. Was that because of my tupper? Who knows, but shit, I'm never touching hot sauce again.
Oh, another noteworthy development that day: Almost zero hunger. Nada. Previously I would have from time to time a large meal before bedtime. Now I can barely eat half of my portions of food every day. In fact, this change has raised a lot of suspicion from my family. They must think I joined a neo-Satanic pro-ana cult or something.
Day three; I woke up and felt a 100% certain feeling that someone was sleeping by my side. Lasted about 10 seconds or so but I have never felt something like that. Narration all day; I'm pretty much certain I was born to narrate or something (by the way some explain I would have thought that it would be difficult). There's barely a moment I'm not commenting on.
Happenings of that day: Increased talkativeness; my talkativeness though. Normally I don't speak unless
I'm set on fire with a flamethrower absolutely necessary, but wow, I felt incredibly confident and stuff (checkmate SSRIs and psychiatrists). I also began to notice details in things, be it buildings, music, whatever that I missed before.
We got ice cream (physical, not
neverland wonderland). I attempted to proxy the flavors, textures, smells, temperatues to her. It has gotta be the best ice cream I ever had.
Almost moaned in pleasure. 20/10 superb.
Oh, and also, the "lights and shadows in the corners of my eyes" hallucinations began; I almost did nothing to purposefully introduce them except for pretending that my tulpa was sitting in a chair I have beside me. I didn't really kept on with that, yet these lights and shadows are there.
I believe I also started feeling random rushes of energy through the day too.
So far 10/10 enhanced my life 42x so far (and hey, considering I have tried all kinds of psychiatric medications this is most definitely not an overstatement).
Day four: Hmm? No presence at wake-up? Whatevs, good morning to you too tupper. Needless to say now I guess; all day narration. Tried Eye-Bo® Ocular Fitness Program™. First run; did not follow operation instructions. Nevermind I survived the session.
I used it on a secondary screen while I read some of the tulpa diaries here. 10/10 felt relaxed.
Gave it a second run before Christmas dinner, this time, on a 32-inch FHD LED 60Hz screen, lights all off, headphones, relaxed like a corpse, closed eyes. Side-to-side female panned voice was a distraction. Oscillator noise overlay (the brown noise-like part of The Program) felt as if someone was using a table knife to cut cardboard. Flashes in my eyes felt good although they reminded me of neurologist epilepsy tests. Unable to hear anything noteworthy. Tried visualization into the wonderland. Hard to focus. Odd shit happened. Saw my tulpa eating a solid ceramic plate instead of the cake I brought. Somehow a refrigerator (my old physical-life refrigerator no less) appeared in the house. Did
not experience IMAX-like 60fps 240Hz 16x antialiased graphics. Slow, shuttery shit. Awful. Point of view was never from my perspective. Session cut halfway through due to random dudes on the street (on the physical world) setting fireworks off. Immediately after cutting the session, every single dark area of my vision kept blinking white/black. Only good perceptible effect I guess. 2/10
Any presence felt before the Eye-Bo® Ocular Fitness Program™ session disappeared. Felt saddened. I thought I was going to have my Christmas dinner without her.
I cried. Okay, maybe not that last part. I went without a worry though, confident that there's no way Fede would have created Eye-Bo® Ocular Fitness Program™ just to vanish everyone's tulpas.
Well, what happened next is that I had the best Christmas ever, even though this is the first Christmas without alcohol for me. I constantly felt her presence, almost like a warm blanket of, err, happiness? Cheerfulness? Those feelings man. We must have transcended them or something. No vocal or mindvoice communication, still I could make some sense of what she meant. I must be getting
gud good at parallel processing, since I was able to converse with everyone and yet relay her what they meant.
Hey, I admit this was probably an effect of Eye-Bo®, the Ocular Fitness Program™. Sorry for the bad rating before Fede. 8/10 only because of the oddities following administration. Also, did not become the video delivery man, so I guess it could be better.Noteworthy happenings: We (or should I say I?
inb4 Fede's "it's only yo imagination nigga git over it" comment) were listening to some music and wherever there was a lyric or phrase that I liked and conveyed to her I felt extremely happy. I couldn't stop smiling for 30 minutes straight. Glad everyone was busy with Christmas preparations
I did my part earlier or they would have locked me away. Probably.
Day five (or, the day on which this
insanity profile post was started):
No presence at wake up; good morning anyway. Narration all day (what else?). Okay, time to get a bit productive: Fired up FL Studio and wow, I'm not even joking, I was able to make chord progressions and stuff as if I was recreating someone else's track. What I mean by that
I don't know is that normally I have tracks from two years ago that while sound good, I have been unable to complete them, while this one, I even got two family members to hear it and they were pretty impressed. Needless to say I was too. Almost like, "Did I really make this?". It took a lot of concentration but I was also simultaneously aware of my tulpa and kind of asking her for advice.
I also played some racing video game, imagining we were taking a spin on some exotic car and looking at the buildings, while narrating things like "wow this landscape is nice" and stuff. I had a strange headache after that. It wasn't like the typical "damn I want to put black paint on my eyes ; block the light" headache but more of a "maybe I have been thinking too much and should go to bed soon" one. I almost passed out after dinner, and I could clearly feel my tulpa telling me "it's okay, sleep for a while, I'll show you something". I ignored that advice, on the condition that I really wanted to post my progress here. And well, I feel a lot better now. There's some head pressure left, but that's good I guess.
And so we are here now. Okay, I realize this probably looks like I have no troubles and everything's fine and stuff right? Well, I'd like to say that unfortunately that isn't the case.
I have a problem with doubt, especially when her presence is faint or -gasp- not there at all. Immediately like an agitated soda that's opened and floods everything on sight with its sticky bubbly liquid, doubt appears. "what if it's not, well, her?", "did I do anything wrong?", "could I do something to fix that?", "why you don't talk to me?", "why I can't visualize you?" "why you sometimes seem to be doing odd things in the wonderland?" "what could I do better?" "what is better?" "what is love?
baby don't hurt me.". And so on. And I have been able to counter them with Sands' absence of disbelief philosophy, but it keeps nagging my mind.
Another thing; she seems to be attempting to communicate, and I have been able to understand some of it, but there's no distinctive mindvoice. Well, there's no mindvoice at all. Sometimes there are answers when I ask questions, but they're like, strange. For example, I ask, "are you me?" and the first thought that arrives to me is "no". Excellent, but I wonder how could I increase that detachment from my mind, get it?
It's very odd, and sometimes it feels like our thoughts kind of blend or overlap with each other, like completing each others' sentences (hers mostly) but still having that "probably I didn't started that thought" kind of feeling.
This is the area I'm most interested in working on. To encourage that detachment and parallel thought and eventually arrive to the mindvoice. Visuals can come later. Proxying and possession seem interesting too. Any tips?
Alright Fede, Sands, Roswell,
maybe waffles too? I hope this makes up for the inactivity on the forum.
fun fact: if you have read all of this post you have read 12970 characters including the BBCode. I have stolen your time. Your welcome.